Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I am not sure what to write really, I am 43 years old and diagnosed with ADHD two years ago and am now fighting to get a diagnosis for Autism as the assessors lost my paperwork. I seem to find so many people with Autism that want to make friends and be more social when all I want is the opposite, I have spent all my life masking to try to fit in and be 'normal' and now I am so tired of being a billion other people I just want to be me, full on weirdness/eccentricity the works.I don't care if people find me annoying, I don't care if people don't like my bluntness, I don't care if I am bought presents and say no thank you and it hurts their feelings because I think it time people started taking note of what I want and who I am.I have had 3 real-life breakdowns to the point I no longer want to leave my home, the daily grind of life literally does my head in as people are either ignorant or rude and it's as if this shiny 'influencer' culture is taking over and I cannot get my head around people watching people on tv. Nobody has manners anymore, where are the 'excuse mes', 'thank yous' and the people who say please?I literally feel like a one-woman island and I am happy to surround myself with shark-infested waters if it means I can be left alone.But then put me online, behind a mic where I don't have to look at anybody or I can just close down a page or block someone and I am the most social person you know. (not an influencer i worked on radio, and won't do YT or this Tik Tok stuff) I don't want people looking at me and I cannot stand up in front of people and talk omg meltdown!I do have a partner and how he puts up with me I don't know, but I am glad he does and I love him to the moon and back, I have a son who is 26 and he so has ADHD but won't admit it, and I have a Step-Daughter who is 14 and I am trying my hardest to make sure she is seen, heard and listened to as I was not, but I know my own 'issues' can keep me away from her at times because I really don't want her growing up like me but even more so not like her own mum who is horrid and my SD had to come to live with us via court order.I am all in all a complicated being and really cannot find any other 'complicated' beings like me. So maybe I was hoping to find some here? I am not really sure, and that really sums up my life... not really sure lol
everyone is complicated... or maybe i just dont understand anyone lolbut yet to them they wont understand me either.its ok to be complicated, because to me i find everyone complicated. but im not sure i find myself complicated, because im me, although they claim others will know you better than yourself but thats complete tosh as others wont know whats running through your head and base assumptions off facial expressions but my facial expression is often totally wrong or plain blank or maybe hostile looking or bored looking when i dont feel that way... although someone said i was smiling weird one time, didnt feel like i was smiling, perhaps thats the pfizer vaccine kicking in on my face lmaobut yeah, being complicated is kinda... normal... because people who think they have things figured out, they actually dont and their assumptions are always wrong. no one can actually read body language as they claim, and everyone struggles to fit the norm but everyone seems to try hard to do it and seemingly succeed but yet stress out internally over it. influencer culture is cancer, and its probably the same phenomena that gave us chav culture.
Hear you on the facial expressions, my partner says I have the best-resting b-face that people wouldn't want to approach me anyway lolI have to disagree on the body language aspect as I can read body language all too well, but facial expressions and tone of voice - nothing, I am forever getting conversations wrong because my brain tells me they didn't say that they said this... and no, they did say that pffthaha influencer culture gave us chav culture, that is funny, i like that idea haha Thank you for your reply, it's appreciated.
Fifteen minutes of fame, to quote Warhol.
Too much money, and not enough common sense.
I wanted fame, as a boy. But I'm older and wiser, now.