Hi,
Not really sure what to say here. I am new to the site, I guess you can call me Dom. Today I finally forced myself to go to my (not very understanding) GP and ask for help. I am pretty sure I have Aspergers, it seems to be the only thing that fits with the problems I have had throughout my life.
As a kid I would have screaming tantrums over the slightest thing, I wouldn't talk to anyone I hadn't met at least 10 times and barely even then. I used to have frequent 'accidents' up until the age of 7 when I was finally able to recognise the need to go to the bathroom to pee. I would sort pennies, coloured sweets etc religiously into piles. I would get into arguments because I took everything so personally, I couldn't understand teasing and interpreted it as an attack. I think my parents just thought I was a difficult child, I don't think people even knew about Aspergers back then.
As an almost 30 year old I have made it through several years of depression and self-harm (thankfully I am way past that) trying to figure out why I always felt like the lonely 'weird' girl. Why I have a better relationship with my cats than any other human being! I drank my way through college and university (thankfully I have a high enough IQ so that I didn't fail) which at least allowed me to make friends. I find having a drink relaxes me enough to talk to people I don't know - the penalty being that my ability to keep myself from saying anything that might be considered rude pretty much disappears, so I have also lost a lot of friends along the way. I came through all that though, felt like I had got my life together somewhat. I had managed to hold down a good job, I felt like I had learned to adapt, cope with social life and even learn to enjoy it. I even have some good friends who are used to my weird ways.
Believe it or not I am a mental health nurse. I have finally faced up to the fact that I often have more in common with some of the kids I look after than with any other woman my age. I guess I went into the field in order to learn more about myself than anything else (that and someone suggested I give it a go so I said okay). As it turns out I am fairly suited to it because I can understand what some of the kids are going through. On the other hand coping with staff changes, paperwork changes, the noise and having to talk to people all day often leaves me locked in the bathroom with my hands over my ears, rocking just to calm myself down.
I decided to finally seek a diagnosis after I got a new boss along with a new rotation of doctors in the same week. I really struggle with new people, my boss told me people have complained I am 'rude'. They changed they layout of this sheet we fill in every morning, I all but had a tantrum about it and it kept me awake at night worrying about it. We are also in a new building which is echoey and loud. I feel like I can hear every noise at once which makes it impossible to concentrate on anything. I have felt myself getting more and more anxious, I am sleeping less and eating less as a result. So I finally plucked up the courage.
My doctor was a little bit reluctant to accept what I was saying - he just said 'well everyone is different, some people have a harder time than others, that's just life'. But he did say he would refer me to the local mental health team (of course I am petrified of running into someone I know but it is unlikely) and so I await what I hope will be an assessment.
I am sorry if I wrote too much, it just feels good to finally be able to talk about this stuff - or write about it in this case.
Dom
no worries I enjoy reading 