Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m a 31 year old female. A family member recently told me they think I’m autistic. It is something that crossed my mind a few years ago after watching something on TV as I felt I shared some of the difficulties that the autistic person showed, but I didn’t really look into it for whatever reason. But since my family member said this I recently decided to look into it and honestly I’ve never ever resonated with anything so much in my life. I feel like it explains everything, my childhood, why I am the way I am, the reasons why I’ve always struggled. I have been diagnosed social anxiety since I was about 20, and I blamed this for so many things … the reason why I get overwhelmed in crowded places, the reason why I have a meltdown after doing anything social (thought it was a panic attack but now thinking otherwise). So many things. I feel like it just makes sense. I’ve been researching it daily for weeks now and I know that I’m autistic based on what I’ve found.
I have made a doctors appointment for Monday, but apart from that.. I really don’t know how to deal with (what I feel is) a massive discovery about myself. I find it really difficult to deal with my emotions and I’m finding it all really overwhelming. It’s made me realise that I mask everywhere I go. I even try and mask in front of my partner (usually can’t handle it for so long and then have huge meltdowns and shut myself away from him). I don’t know how to act around him anymore. (He’s also read into autism now and he also thinks I have it and that it explains a lot). Another reason for my head being all over the place and feeling emotional about it all is I feel like I’ve had no support from my mum. I told her everything, showed her the list I made of all the difficulties I’ve had and have and instead of supporting me her reaction wasn’t very nice. I just feel a bit lost.
Sorry if this post is all over the place. That is just how my head feels right now and I don’t know how to deal with everything. Please help.
I understand that or feels overwhelming. It is a huge discovery about yourself and it will take time to adapt. It's like when you have to update your computer and it has to download all the files and then install them. You've been given the files, but you need time to work out how they fit in your life and affect the way it works.
Let yourself have that time. Let it trickle through your system gradually. You don't need to come up with a response or a strategy straight away. You can just sit and experience the emotions and the impact of it all.
In time, you'll get to know your own specific needs and then you'll learn how best to accommodate them, but it's a step by step process. Don't rush it. Don't panic.
I also understand a bit about your mum. My own mother is not emotionally supportive or reliable and never has been. Luckily I've got other people to turn to. If you get an assessment, they may ask for information from a parent or family member but if she's not the right person for that, you can say that she is not appropriate.
If you've already are THE LIST (I thinkost of us have one in one form of another) make sure you take it with you to the doctors. Give them specifics about what is hard and examples from your life and think about how it relates to the diagnostic criteria.
I hope this helps, and I hope it goes well for you.