Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am a male in my late 30's. As a child I was diagnosed with ADD and medicated on Ritalin. I remember having to see a load of counsellors and I was even banned from eating sugar and E numbers for a whole year. My childhood was awful. I always felt completely misunderstood and could never understand how what I had said created so much drama. I had literally no friends, self-harmed and generally hated myself. My IQ was very high, and my spatial reasoning was graded in some high percentile. But school was out for me. Also, as a result I hardly speak to any of my family.
As an adult I have been extremely high functioning. I get extremely obsessive. I remember completing a masters degree and locked myself in a room for three months. I got a distinction but also developed some agoraphobia. My life is filled with similar stories where I have taken things to the extreme and then had to get counselling to bring myself back to homeostasis. However, I have been told I have Asperger's on many occasions, usually preceded by "I can't believe you just said that you must have ...". my usual response is to look confused having completely missed any social cues.
I saw a presentation a while back about autism having been misdiagnosed as ADHD back in the day. I evaluated every online test I could find and scored 44 out of 50. I then asked my wife, best friend and mum to complete the test on my behalf and scored very high again. My wife said, "I always knew you had autism" and my mum said, "this makes so much sense now".
I could have cried when I did the test...textures, yes toilet paper packaging makes me want to throw up. Numbers, yes I multiply numbers in the weirdest way I have ever heard. Struggle socially, literally this is my life. Anxiety in new situations...do panic attacks count. And so on...
I am finding it hard to comprehend and really don't know where to turn or what to do now. It feels quite overwhelming and emotional to know that something that literally destroyed my childhood and relationship with family was completely mis diagnosed. I've learnt so many coping mechanisms as an adult, I've literally read How to wind friends and influence people dozens of times. Just knowing there's a community out there who feel the same is ... I can't even find the words it's so amazing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated? Am I even allowed to say it's autism without a formal diagnosis? I feel like I am wasting the GPs time as an adult, do I pay private? Is there any benefit to mentioning it to work or will it throw up more issues?
Good morning all, I just thought I would share a quick update. I still feel utterly shocked but almost relieved at the same time. There is a huge part of me that wonders what life would be like had I been diagnosed as a child. As an aside I looked through my medical records on an app yesterday and saw two small entries 1992 - behavioural issues other 1995 - ADHD. My family felt that it was only right to beat the crap out of me until I behaved in school, I just felt like I was living in a dystopian world where I spoke another language.
My wife and I sat down and discussed this at length last night. In the past when we have been walking together, she will try to change direction and will guide me in the direction she wants to go. Push is far too strong a word, but she will touch my arm. I cannot describe the feeling I get but it is overwhelming. I absolutely love my wife, but I literally get so distressed and then feel so guilty for overreacting. She could never work it out either and it's something she has really had to work hard at to avoid.
As I said, I have little relationship with family as a result of my childhood. I am, however, aware that my dad was sent away to boarding school due to his behavioural issues and my half-brother was also diagnosed with having some sort of behavioural issue. Is autism genetic?
I don't know if it's helpful, but I have made the biggest list of all the stuff that I do. I get the feeling that when I go for formal assessment, I'll just send them the list and they will understand.
I cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to respond to me. Although this is a great relief, I am reluctant to announce anything until formal diagnosis and this has meant I am limited in who I can speak to.