Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello ! I'm glad I found this forum as I wanted a safe space to talk about the possibility of having autism myself but it isn't something I have ever discussed with anyone . I have always felt out of place , disconnected and somehow different to other people. I find it very difficult to make friends and maintain the few friendships that I do have . I can have conversations with people if they are leading what topic we are talking about so it appears like I can be a good conversationalist but I'm always thinking how I wouldn't know where to start if it were up to me me. In situations where there are groups of people I notice how everyone else can make constant discussion and go up and talk to people they don't know and I have always been the only person sitting alone , and I always notice but never know what to do about it . I am 26 years old. I think people might think I'm weird or hostile for not socially interacting the way that they do. I can make small talk with someone once but then become scared of seeing them again because I won't know what to say next time. I have a gut feeling that this is more than anxiety. I am also scared to say that I have been feeling that I might be autistic because I might not be believed or seen as 'high functioning ' or 'autistic enough' (I don't believe in that but I think it's a view point) but I also had self doubts believing if I was down enough to be diagnosed with depression or exhausted enough or in pain enough to be diagnosed with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia but I am diagnosed with all three. I don't have any obsessive interests and I'm not made of facts , but I have always loved art , it is my life long hobby , when I was too depressed to make art for two years I felt like I genuinely did not know who I was anymore. I was really shy and quiet as a child and experienced depression and anxiety from around the age of 6 or 7 years old. I am quite intelligent and did well in school. I'm a really messy person and a bit of a hoarder. I am a perfectionist. I really struggle with noise and get overwhelmed by noise so easily and it can take over everything, if it's a room of people talking, children , or the radio being one notch too loud, or the washing machine is on while someone is trying to talk to me I find it unbearable , my intolerance to this has gotten worse as I am getting older. Thank you if you took the time to read this. I would really appreciate a response from anyone it would make me feel a bit less isolated.
A lot of what you wrote is similar to my own experiences. I agree with Dawn about researching as you decide whether to pursue a diagnosis.
Thank you for your insight, were you also unsure/nervous ?
Oh yes, very much so. As I just wrote in another comment on this forum tonight, my first assessment told me that I wasn't on the spectrum. It was a long journey after that to realising that I really am on the spectrum and getting a diagnosis, and it was full of self-doubt and anxiety, sadly.