Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am currently 26 years old and a male. I have Asperger’s syndrome. I am also gay and over the few years I have suffered from poor levels of socialisation and loneliness which is leading to sadness and isolation. There have been many groups of people that I have been involved with and want to be involved more however my main barrier is making friends and communicating better with the people that I love being around. However most of the time I seem to be standing or sitting on my own as I don’t have the confidence or know what too say when sitting next too people. It feels like I’m invisible to them and it really gets too me that I can’t push myself to go and talk too people properly or sit with them. I am currently part of a club which is female dominated and it breaks my heart too see that I can’t get involved with the social side of things with them. I just feel so pushed aside and different too everyone else. My social skills are very poor and want to be involved much more with people socially because I do suffer from loneliness and it really hurts me mentally.
Can anyone help?
I can completely relate to what you have described - the overwhelming desire to make connection with people but the frustration and sadness when that doesn't happen despite your best efforts.
It's tough and lonely. There is no easy answer, all you can do is what you are doing - putting yourself 'out there' and hoping you eventually meet people who are deserving of your company and happy to accept you as you are.
I have struggled in this way my whole life too. Most recently I have joined a walking group and book club in the hope of meeting people I might get along with. I am very quiet and find talking difficult especially with unfamiliar people. Perhaps meeting people through one of your interests would help you too and take the pressure off just making 'small talk'?
My youngest son feels very much like this. He really wants to make friends but has a lot of social anxiety and also has Selective Mutism when at college (and previously when he was at school). It causes him to feel profound unhappiness that he cannot seem to connect with others in the way he wants to.
I don’t have the answer to this - if I did I would have been able to help my son more than I have. I often think when I read messages on this community however that so many autistic people feel this way and want to make friends (although I realise not everyone wants or needs friends) that surely there should be a way for autistic people who do want friends to get together in some way? I’m surprised how little there is to help that to happen. I’m surprised there aren’t more things online etc too to enable autistic people to form friendships and social groups. Perhaps there are but I just don’t know about them?!
Anyway - I’m sorry I can’t help more, but I just wanted to say that you are far from alone in this respect,
I think the ‘find your tribe’ advice is good - shared interests really do help when trying to form friendships. And as AnnieH says - getting ‘out there’ - that’s important as the temptation is to hide yourself away and avoid any social contact because it feels so awkward, but you can only make progress with this by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone - even if it’s in very gradual, small steps.
Online things like this are good - I’ve really enjoyed talking to people on here. It strikes me from talking to people in this community just how friendly most autistic people are - so much empathy, understanding and ability to connect with each other - not at all like the stereotypes about autistic people! I think many of us have all the ‘ingredients’ to connect with people but don’t always have the ‘recipe’ when it comes to meeting actual people in social situations.
I definitely think that neurodiverse people are more likely to form good friendships with other neurodivergent people - if they can get over the initial challenge of connecting in the first place. My eldest really struggled to make friends until he joined a society at Uni and through the shared interest of that society met other autistic and neurodivergent people and made great friendships that he still has 4 years later, So it can be done - don’t lose hope! :)