Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, I’m in a family of 5. My partner and I have been together for 16 years. We have 3 daughters age 14.11 and 7. The 2 older girls are diagnosed with autism and they both have learning difficulties, the little one has possible ADHD and my partner (I would bet my life is autistic) I’ve put up with many of his ways for years because I love him more than life. Last year out of the blue he proposed to me (in private obviously bless him) he booked the venue etc etc we are 2 months away and his personality has changed, his off, he’s quiet and moody. He is still going ahead with suit alternations, buying rings etc so hasn’t tried to stop anything. I know he is nervous about speaking at the ceremony and showing affection in public but it was all his idea and I never pushed him into anything. I have also tried to sort most things myself and not bother him with all of it and he will end up with sensory overload. He is very black and white and shows no empathy when I explain I’m upset he doesn’t understand that he’s done nothing wrong so can’t understand why I get so sad. I think overthink everything and get mad which then he shuts down. I can’t talk to many friends and on the outside neurotypical world, they would say he is being nasty or even narcissistic or gaslighting but I know this isn’t the case. Having been with him for so many years and seeing his struggles with friendships, keeping a job, his ways with clothes and shoes and routines I know his autistic. I don’t know what I’m asking to be honest, I just feel lonely and lost and want to support him aswell as be a mum to my 3 kids x
Hi. You sound very supportive!
It sounds like there's a dynamic here which has been difficult.
NAS80017 said:He is very black and white and shows no empathy when I explain I’m upset he doesn’t understand that he’s done nothing wrong so can’t understand why I get so sad. I think overthink everything and get mad which then he shuts down
We all have needs and connexion is necessary for intimacy and trust, which a healthy (un-stressful) relationship is built on. For any partnership to thrive, both individuals should help negotiate ways and give each other a chance to have them met.
Autistic to Non-Austist, there will be a lack of mind-reading or telepathy (empathy). But there is no shortage of compassion and the ability to work out how to find an understanding.
I often find being autistic, I've been told I can be B&W, but I'm actually in need of precision, discernment, distinctions, exacting-ness, due to the overwhelming amount of 'stuff' going on in my head and how organic and in flux language - semiotics can be with NeuroTypical society. For instance, I just read an article about how Yoga has become something for narcissistic indulgence and now wonder: 1. How long has it been associated with this (have I come across this way when talking about it) and 2. How do now talk about it genuinely now it's probably taboo or perhaps it's one more thing I need to remember to shelve. This can get exhausting...
I also do not take commitment lightly. And apparently this is something of the autistic brain due to how our Gamma waves oscillate (from what I understand) which can make it easy for us to be loyal, dependable & reliable but the downside is transition can destroy me (even if I want it). When I was small, climbing up a slide was horrifying. My father would keep reminding me I would enjoy it once down, which was true. But not with out a good deal of protest going up.
It's not unreasonable to write out everything you feel you're 'overthinking' -we may use that word different. I'll naturally see causation or think about variations on a thing add what I might not know, and believe critical reasoning, including embracing doubt, calculating possible outcomes and everything else which is involved in responsible decision-making is what I'll have considered and voiced, when told I'm over-thinking. So I've been perplexed at how non-autistic individuals make decisions. Either way, something is genuinely causing distress and from an outside perspective, it sounds like you are picking up emotions of some sort and also you're picking up a sort of severing / distancing in the relationship which makes being intimate and vulnerable difficult. You might feel him pulling away rather than building connexion. He just may feel like he's battling a massive storm and it will all subside after the wedding.
He may not be able to talk about this or sort through an overwhelming amount of feeling and weight associated with this next very big step. Most of my life, I will just keep putting one foot in front of the next, making difficult decisions which I know are valid, while everything inside of me is protesting the change. I have always had to learn to recognise "The truth below the truth" - fundamental principles which are deeper than feelings. And this can be a M.O. for us. Especially when we cannot really identify our feelings or our some strange biological function is out of alignment with our ideals and goals and things we desire. Better to just carry on and to not allow a poor dance with language complicate a thing even more.
However, it's OK for you to pick a date to connect and express that the distance is stressful and you want to be supportive. Can you help? Can he express these difficulties? I think it's better to give one's partner a chance to meet our needs rather than desire they would which, can over time, maybe send us into the arms of someone who will. Though this doesn't sound like your situation, but just in general. Growing together rather than apart is a simple enough concept to aspire to
Autism as a mismatch for society aside, we do have much to offer when everyone is working with the same fundamental principles and values. But also, perhaps you need a weekend off! x