Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I have just joined this community and feel that it is something that I should have done some time ago. It is difficult to parent a child with special needs and the added support is invaluable. My son is 20 and has had additional help at school since pre-school. Unfortunately no-one ever advised me to investigate further or where to turn to for extra help, hence the fact that he has only just received a diagnosis. He did really well at secondary school and had extra support from the SENCO and his head of year, he has passed his automatic driving test and got himself a part-time job at a supermarket and is planning on going to university this year.
We went to the GP last year and he has been prescribed Fluoxetine for anxiety which has helped, but his biggest problem at the moment is racing thoughts at night. Whatever we try does not help and the usual things such as meditation, sleep apps etc., don't help him.
Has anyone experienced this and have any recommendations please? He is struggling to sleep and is permanently exhausted at the moment which is compacting other problems.
Thanks in advance
Debbie
I would take the anxiety medication before bed if he can (or if he doesn't already). While this drug is good for a short period of time to use as a way to de-intensify the surge of emotions we can be overwhelmed by, it can cause anxiety. So, it can be good to down dose occasionally and use yoga breathing techniques to breathe past an onset. It can also be smart to not take it exactly at the same time.
Individuals like your son, possibly without added severe learning difficulties might be better suited working in fields which require a good deal of intense study, research, calculations. He might not be exhausting his capacity and so when things wind down around him, his brain is not done for the day. Whatever he is planning on majoring in, he should start investigating now. Mindless work might make it worse as there is a whole block of time during the day he's forced to not focus and that is what should happen when he's sleeping. Alternately a part time job which incurs a bit of a physical work-out, like construction, would be better.
Another issue will most likely be Unresolved personal issues. Absolutely anything left open ended, unresolved, whether it's a problem with a family member or a social mishap with a friend will cause a grave amount of impact. This is the dark side of the Monotropistic Mind: https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism
It can be crucial to learn how to negotiate with matters that impact the heart, how to work through relational complexities, roles, responsibilities and manage expectations. Learning what's mine to control and what's not. Erich Fromm is a good read when learning to negotiate life as he has a bit of wisdom, psychology and sociology along with a good dose of fundamental and proven old school ethics.
Anxiety medication can help with quieting the brain at night, but all the males in my family (composer, physicist, neurology, maths professor, etc.), they all play video games to shut down properly at night. Redirecting problem-solving to fantsay quests seems to do the trick for all of them. My father bought my son a gameboy at 8 and every one ever since. He's in his 20's and sometimes it's the only resort.
Hi Juniper, thank you for your reply, there is plenty to think about there and some good tips. He is currently having EMDR therapy once a week to deal with relationship trauma's that he has experienced. Unfortunately, the girls that he has met and had a relationship with (only 2), have caused him no end of stress and heartache. I will have a look at the suggested reads and speak to him and the GP about his medication.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
OH. Heartbreaking. The impact is incredibly intense for us. It's really important to learn to guard one's heart and that he spend time learning how to invest in a relationship and traits of someone worth trusting.
This isn't for everyone, but sometimes a well balanced church group can have a benefit when it comes to understanding how to assess healthy ethics and how to build a good relationship. Just an idea, as some of the best self-help books I've found on creating boundaries and taking practical and responsible conscious action in growth and maturity have all been PhDs writing on these topics from a Christian perspective. Personally, a better perspective and having and understanding of how to assume personal agency can provide a good deal of grounding.
Letting go of one thing usually involves having something else to take hold of in it's place. Because we are hyper-sensory, we are deeply impacted. If he's not able to get some kind of closure from these relationships, it can take some time to find this on his own. My son is in his 20's and had a few bad ones. I've try to encourage him to open up as and when he feels, and let him talk through this stuff. So, I definitely feel this x
Yes, audible books might be useful, but I would avoid anything too emotionally stimulating - a crime thriller would have the opposite effect to that desired. Something light-hearted, like Jeeves and Wooster, might do the trick. I think that autistic men start becoming attractive to women when they begin looking for long-term commitment. Autistic men tend to be kinder, more considerate and more loyal than the average neurotypical man.
Hi Martin, thanks for your reply. Unfortunately Ben doesn't like to read, he has read a couple of books that he enjoyed when he was younger (i had hoped that it was the start of his reading journey - I am an avid reader) but nothing since. Maybe he could try an audible book. I will suggest it to him. He has been contacting girls on snapchat and arranging to meet or for them to come and stay after only chatting to them for a few weeks! He gets bored and lonely and thinks that it is a good way to meet girls. He has realised that it really isn't Relationships are a minefield at the best of times! He would really love to meet someone special and get married and have children too.
I tend to read non-fiction books on technical subjects in bed to relax me. Anything that does not provoke emotions - like much fiction is designed to do - works for me. The drier the subject the better. If your son has had two relationships by 20, he is doing exceptionally well for an autistic male. The first time I kissed a woman I was 24 years of age. I later married and have two children, so I eventually got the hang of initiating romantic relationships, but it took a while.