New Awakenings and False Beginnings

C. (M) (21)
I recently discovered that I had been diagnosed, at a young age, with what was Asperger’s Syndrome (now just ASD) and am now 21.

Through many troubles, over the last few years I have been in and out of many careers, courses and jobs, I am still feeling extremely lost as I lack the feelings (or connections to) of excitement, passion and love for any of my recent pursuits, feelings that, to me, seem paramount to a fulfilling life. Without which, I seem to very quickly run a risky road into severe depressive episodes. Although these feelings are absent now, I know that I, at least, was able to feel some of these emotions in the past, but these recent (5ish) years have left them, and most other forms of fulfilling emotions, absent. To me these are necessary for finally tackling my problems with energy levels and depression.

However, after discovering in December last year that I had an early diagnosis of Asperger’s many of the experiences I’ve had in life have been given new perspective. This knowledge may not have come as some catch-all, I do not suddenly have direction and answers to all my problems, and, at first, I didn’t even really believe that this diagnosis even meant anything for my life, I can now look to some of my problems and try to tackle them with another angle. I hope to find some inspiration from being able to look into how others with the same diagnosis dealt with similar problems in their life, how they are able to muster enough motivation to keep living, despite not having driving feelings for any actions they are taking, or ought to take. Whenever I did have an interest, I tended to exhaust it completely, overdo it by completely enamoring myself in it, until the feelings I had dried all too quick, like an empty oasis in Spring, left to wither in the Summer heat. Some examples of most recent past pursuits I have taken to include; Cryptography, Animation, Chess, (regrettably) League of Legends, and lastly before what has been a great withdrawal music (specifically composition). As for courses, careers and jobs I’ve attempted; Games design (course), Engineering (course, then later career leaning job), Psychology (course) and Private tutoring (part-time job) since only November 2018.

On another note, for the very first time, I have recently (last two-three months) experienced what I assume are feelings of romantic love, I have never had feelings for a girl (or any person for that matter) before, and frankly my social skills are lacking, so I have no idea how to understand any of those emotions or how to deal with them. Yes, I am not kidding, I have never had any emotional connection directed towards another person, so I am totally ‘in the deep end’ here and don’t know what to do, if anything. I also don’t believe a girl has ever had feelings for me, although how would I know, I can’t really read people’s emotion, it’s hard enough trying to ascribe words to my own! All I know for sure is I’ve been seeing them more, I think about them more often, I get excited when I think I might be able to see them again, and I can reciprocate happiness with them in a way that feels special to me.

In this aspect of my life, and, of late, many other aspects, I can feel greatly the lack of confidence and experience I feel, I ought to have, and it can cause me to feel like I am not the person I ought to be, I am not as capable a person as I should be and I am letting myself down. In having these thoughts, I am also likewise self-aware that I myself am a great cause of much of the depression and sadness in my life, as it is mostly generated from thoughts I hold to my own, not from those around me, and that I am just putting myself down. I hope to find a better way to approach introspection that does not leave me with emotional or physical scarring.

To anyone who has gotten this far, thank you. If you’d like to leave a reply I have much more to share and would take great interest in hearing your thoughts. C.