Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I think I may be on the autistic spectrum, but I am not sure and am struggling to get any help from my GP.
Last year I started to suffer from depression for no apparent reason. A lot of the negative thoughts were focussed on having not fit in anywhere through my life, and a lot of the trauma of childhood bullying resurfaced. When I discussed this and asked if I could be on the spectrum I was shot down as 'I was displaying far too high an awareness of my emotions to be on the spectrum'. Equally when in talking therapy I raised this and was told that I was more likely displaying signs of 'learned behaviour'.
On the other side I have a loving and caring partner who has teaching specialism for SEN. She has helped me understand the way I feel in certain situations, and provided some basic information for me. We completed the AQ tests, I answered as I would and she completed one for me anticipating what I would say. They both came out around 40 points.
I've always struggled to maintain friendships other than a few longterm close friends from certain points in life. While others can talk endlessly about nothing, I struggle for conversation after a few talking points, I find that people would rather avoid me than engage in conversation. If the conversation is lively I never know when to speak, or how to interject in to the conversation. By the time I have worked it out the conversation has moved on so I just stay quiet, or I interrupt which doesn't go down well. However, give me a subject i know about and I will talk endlessly to the point others are bored, but struggle to identify when that point has arrived.
With work I find it hard to work in what my managers call the 'grey', they have deemed me to be a black and white person who is incapable of inferring subtleties of a request. From my side I don't understand why people can't just say what they want? Worse I can get hung up on subjects, or ideas, often to the point that others are sick of hearing it. I quite often get told that I can't fix the business so I should stop. I don't mean too, I just can't but help notice when things are wrong.
At this point I am not sure what to do, or where to turn. Part of me thinks to just let it all slide. I've copped for 32 years without a diagnosis, what benefit will it bring? Then there are other times when I can't make sense of a situation at work, home, or a random altercation and everything comes back to the fore.
I feel a diagnosis would give me a bit of room to breath, I wouldn't constantly feel on the edge at work worrying if I have inadvertently offended someone without realising, or missed something in an email that was implied rather than explicitly detailed.
If I do not have ASD then fine, but my world would make a lot less sense than it has with my more recent understanding of how autism affects everyday life.
Sorry for the longish rambling post. I find it incredibly hard to write about myself.
J.
NAS75914 said:displaying far too high an awareness of my emotions to be on the spectrum
That doesn't sound like a comment which springs from an informed base, to me. I have a diagnosis - and it was absolutely clear cut; but I'm very aware of my emotions. We're all different; it doesn't work like a checklist, where if one item is a cross rather than a tick, you're obviously not autistic. A formal diagnosis involves many, many questions; an interview with someone who's known you for years (you won't be in the room for that); and other stuff. You can't possibly make a decision on the basis implied by this comment.