Hi - 31yo female / upcoming assessment / Very anxious

Hi,

I think this is going to be a very long post, I am sorry about that. 

I have my first autism assessment on 9th November, and I am very worried about it and feel upset about it too. It was first suggested that I may have aspergers when I went to university when I was 28 years old. I had autistic class mates approach me and ask when I discovered I was autistic (which left me rather confused). I also had a support tutor that would help me with my anxiety while at university. She was not given any details on why I was provided with her services, but she asked me if I had aspergers because I have many attributes that other women have had who have aspergers. I said no and told her it was because of my anxiety, which I've had diagnosed for over 10 years (along with agoraphobia and depression). She recommended I get tested. A few months before this, I discovered I had 'visual stress' and dyslexia too. The GP wanted me to do an ADHD test, so I did a screening at university for it. The results were inconclusive and the assessor said that all the attributes that were raised are also present in autism, so it would be best to have an autism assessment first and come back for an ADHD screening so I am not misdiagnosed. That is my background with why I am getting an autism assessment.

I've been waiting for a year now and I finally have the date. I tried to go private, but I just can't afford it. I don't remember a lot about my early childhood but my mum said I was a very happy child who was always smiling. I was always talking to people and making jokes. This doesn't sound very autistic to me? I could not feel pain at all or got sick until I was somewhere between 3 or 5 years old. After that, I got sick a lot and now sometimes my skin gets way too sensitive and it hurts. I'm not sure if this is a childhood autistic characteristic? Apparently I used to like the drums and those echo microphones as a young child... which definitely does not sound autistic! Therefore, I am concerned about this "early childhood questionnaire" I have been hearing about. I have a lot of ASD characteristics as an adult, but maybe because I do not appear to have had them, or remember them, as a child I do not have ASD? Please can someone advise me if this is a correct assessment? My mum said I spoke and developed everything else at a normal age.

I remember that it has always been hard for me to make friends. I don't see the point or need to socialise or understand what is expected from you as a friend. I remember I did a LOT of research online as a teenager on 'how to be liked' or 'how to make friends' and also researched how people act (including body language and facial expressions). Whenever I make friends, I feel like it is something I am expected to do to be normal. I don't think it is something I like to do because I find it very pressuring and stressful. I don't know how often I am meant to communicate with them. I've been told by colleagues in my previous jobs that they would avoid me because I was too intense and I came across as desperate. I think I kind of gave up after that because I'm just following what Google suggested :-/ Now, I constantly have to analyse people while I am in a conversation to gauge whether I am received correctly or if I have offended them. I am often misunderstood and have to apologise.

I get obsessions that come and go. I think they average for around 6 months each? That is all I want to do during these times. Also, sensitivity wise, I have visual stress anyway but I also went to the hospital about my hearing. I cannot hear or understand what is being said if there is background noise or, 2 TV programmes on at the same time. It sounds like a big mess. I get migraines from both the visual and audio things. I have to watch the TV with subtitles because if a car drives past the house I miss what they are saying. When I was a mid-aged kid, I couldn't eat anything "mushy", like mushy peas or mashed potato.

As I've gotten older, I've developed "tics" and a stutter. These get worse when I am stressed or anxious, the GP basically fobbed me off and said it was part of my anxiety. It could be! But I'm not sure? I flap my hands about quite frequently. I get an intense feeling when I don't do it so I almost 'need' to do it. I get a sort of relief and comfort from these repetitive movements. I get very embarrassed and ashamed about it though. 

I also find a huge relief when I know I'll be staying alone in the house all day and get very stressed if I know I will be going out for whatever reason. I normally get anxious maybe a week in advance and often cancel attending social engagements. I don't think I can handle it. I have a lot of panic attacks when I am overwhelmed. I think these may be melt downs. When I have a social engagement I need a lot of time to 'normalise' afterwards too, sometimes up to a week if it was a group gathering.

Please, I am very nervous about my autism assessment and if they tell me I am not autistic. I did the AQ test and scored 42/50 too, if that helps? I definitely feel like I am autistic, but I have so many unanswered questions, like the childhood aspects of it. Can anyone relate to me? Or perhaps offer some advice? When I have to go through these assessments I often breakdown or "act too normal" and get dismissed (this happened the first time I went to the GP about my depression. I was raised to always smile, and he dismissed me because I was smiling... but that's what you're meant to do?). 

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Even your own stories would be very greatly accepted.

Thank you.

Amy