Published on 12, July, 2020
I AM IN MY MID-SIXTIES AND FEMALE AND HAVE JUST STARTED CO-HABITING WITH A FEMALE FRIEND WHOM I HAVE KNOWN FOR OVER 10 YEARS. WE HAVE NEVER BEFORE LIVED TOGETHER WITH JUST THE 2 OF US.. WE ARE NOT A COUPLE - JUST FRIENDS AND HAVE MOVED FROM A LARGE CITY TO THE SEASIDE TO CUT COSTS AND HAVE A SLOWER PACE. SHE KNOWS SHE HAS DYSLEXIA BUT I STRONGLY SUSPECT IT IS MORE THAN THAT. I AM FAMILIAR WITH THE SYMPTOMS OF DYSLEXIA AS MY EX-HUSBAND, DAUGHTER AND 1 GRANDCHILD HAVE IT ALSO.
I HAVE JOINED THIS FORUM FOR HELP- I WANT TO UNDERSTAND MY FRIEND BETTER AND BE A HELP TO HER BUT THERE IS A LOT OF MISCOMMUNICATION. SHE DISPLAYS A LOT OF THE SYMPTOMS OF ASPERGERS BUT I CAN'T SAY THIS TO HER. SHE IS 70 YEARS OLD... I HAVE PHONED THE NAS OVER A WEEK AGO AND SPOKEN TO A RECEPTIONIST WHO WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING. SHE GAVE ME A PHONE NUMBER IN MY LOCAL AREA OF A SUPPORT GROUP BUT THE PHONE GOES STRAIGHT TO VOICE MAIL,
PLEASE CAN ANYONE GIVE ME ADVICE? I HAVE GOOGLED THIS SUBJECT AND LOOKED AT THE SIGNS OF ASPERGERS AND MY FRIEND TICKS A LOT OF THE BOXES. HOWEVER, SHE IS 70 AND HAS NEVER BEEN DIAGNOSED.... I THINK DEEP DOWN SHE KNOWS SHE IS DIFFERENT AND I WOULD REALLY LIKE HER TO GET HELP AND I NEED HELP TOO. WE LIVE FAR FROM ANY FRIENDS OR RELATIVES NOW AND I PERSONALLY DON'T HAVE ANY ADULT AUTISTIC FRIENDS.
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THANKS!
Beautifully expressed, exist.
It is admirable that you want to understand your friend better. That in itself is a powerful thing. But, do you want to go down the diagnostic route for her benefit, or for yours?
Does your friend feel like she has unexplained difficulties or problems? If not, she might not need to be diagnosed at all. I look at it this way, if a person feels they need the diagnosis, they probably do, but if not, they probably/possibly don't.
It seems that you already have an understanding of how your friend is different to you and the other people around you. You already make some adjustments when around her. Adjustments/accommodations are usually the things that are asked for after diagnosis anyway. So, why not just continue to be accepting of your friend's differences and continue to make those small adjustments when you're around your friend? It takes a little effort on your part, to remember to do it, but it seems you are doing it already.
It's great that you are concerned for your friend, but unless there is a distinct and obvious issue, or she is very unhappy, or having mental health issues, I don't see what more is required beyond you continuing to be a caring and understanding friend.
No one is judging you, but I'm sorry you feel that way. I can see that this is a sensitive issue for you and so I will not make any further contributions other than to repeat what I said previously. Talk to her about your concerns—and if you genuinely feel that she should take a test, then suggest this to her. There are only two possible outcomes. Either she will take the test, or she won't. It doesn't get more complicated than that. Best of luck.
just to explain more... i want my friend to take an online test so she can feel better as i believe getting diagnosed would help her... i have read many posts on this site from adults who got diagnosed with high functioning ASD later in life and it helped them understand themselves better as they put it... i wish this for my friend but its a very sensitive subject...
we have of course talked about our differences and there is a lot of give and take in our relationship... we are 2 older single women who have lived alone for many years and are now co-habiting... bound to not be easy... im asking for help... not here to judge ... im a mess myself
I dont think you have understood my message... i cant speak to her about her possibly being autistic- she might get very offended... i am not wanting to treat her differently... just understand her better... as i said in the above post i spoke on the phone to a receptionist at NAS for about 20 mins recently and she understood my dilemma... we have spoken about our problems with communication but believe me i am not 'assuming ' anything- i know she has not been diagnosed but i need to behave a little differently towards her or she gets triggered.. she takes a lot i say literally and doesn't undertstand my sense of humour- English dry humour- like the rest of my friends so i have to act differently somewhat around her... but i love her and she is a precious friend and i want to keep living together... we have just signed a 12 month contract on a flat ... i KNOW we are put together to teach me lessons of love... so im seeking help here... not judgement...
Have you talked to her about this? I ask this because it would be a mistake, in my opinion, for me to treat a friend (or anyone) differently based on the assumptions I've made about their neurotype. It's a bit like putting the horse before the cart. I understand the motivation to better understand someone, but it would think it better to talk to your friend first, and work through this together, rather than deciding unilaterally to behave differently towards her.
she has not told me she thinks she is autistic- but she has told me she is not into people-including her kids and grandkids and likes to be alone, likes puzzles, reading and gardening and much prefers to do that than be around people. she also takes a lot of things i say literally and many more signs of autism... too many to get into here... i need help so we don't keep having miscommunication and so i can undertstand her better and how she views the world etc
no she has not told me that-- im asking for help so i can understand her better and be a better friend...
Hello. Welcome to the forum. You say your friend is 70 years old and that she does not have a diagnosis. Has she told you she thinks she may be autistic and you are reaching out on her behalf?