Published on 12, July, 2020
Afternoon,
My fiancee, we are due to be wed in July 2022 having deferred from this year due to COVID-19, has recently realised that she is showing autistic and ADHD traits and is awaiting screening for both disabilities.
The change in our life is massive, I am struggling to come to terms with how she is changing and adjusting to this development and want to support her but finding it extremely difficult. My actions, mannerisms, choice of words, silence and other aspects trigger a different reaction from her. Her responses, levels of frustration and general attitude towards me change with every thing I say or do or don`t say or do.
I`m looking for support, as she is, albeit in a different light and for differing reasons.
Thank you.
Kevin Taylor
Staffordshire.
This might be a starting point:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners
Thank you exist. I find that the way I act or say things in my head is normal but in her world it comes across as upsetting or hurtful/loud.
She will have mood swings, is distant as regards intimacy and sex and comes across as cold at times which is her way of dealing with things in her own way. This feeling of being rejected or I make her feel that she repulses me is hard to accept and adapt to in our relationship.
I know it`s about her change in how she feels and acts and not necessarily me but I have feelings and needs too and I am sexually driven and enjoy touching and cuddling which she doesn`t; this is a hard topic.
She is awaiting an assessment for Autism and ADHD and feels she has always had traits of both growing up which she took we re her being "mad" or a "freak" and it turns out she was suffering with these disabilities.
Kevin.
Don't forget, she is still the same person, but her understanding of herself will change somewhat. There'll be a lot of stuff to put into context.
Some mannerisms might increase as a person accepts that they might be on the spectrum. This, in part, is a result of dropping the mask and possibly relaxing a bit.
This can be an emotional rollercoaster, understanding that what someone thought they were, isn't quite what they are. When I was in this position, awaiting diagnosis, I was worried that it might damage my relationship. In fact, i think it made it stronger, at least I hope it did.
It can be a very isolating time for all parties involved.
I can't really offer much advice for you personally, not being on your side of the fence. But my partner works with someone on the spectrum, so she was getting some insight while I was pursuing my diagnosis.
It might not be much help to you, but possibly the best thing to do is try to research the conditions so that you can get an understanding of it, and of why some of her behaviours might be difficult at the moment. Be careful though, there is some very negative info out there, so try hard to avoid that stuff as it is not helpful and can be quite harmful.
I suppose all I'm saying is try to be patient and understanding, as difficult as that might be. An aspect of ASD is that of not feeling understood, which can create mood swings, anger, depression etc. Some traits can become more obvious during the process of discovery.
There are resources out there for partners/parents/carers, some of which is signposted on this site.
I know relatively little about ADHD, but if she is autistic, she will always have been autistic. Realisation that one might be autistic takes some internal adjustment, but it should not change a person's behaviour in any drastic way.