Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My son is recently been referred, I’m very clueless and feel very lost. I don’t really no where to start, he’s 8 years old, and back in may the school said they had someone coming in to assess him, the lady called me after the assessment and said that she thinks he may be on the spectrum and also shows signs of adhd, it was all very vague and over the phone due to covid, she said she was putting through a referral. I haven’t heard anything else since, I plan too ring the school and ask for a meeting now they are back, but I didn’t even receive the report from his assessment.
since the phone call, I can notice several things, he really struggles socially and spends most playtimes on his own (this breaks me). In some social situations I.e this weekend he’s been at his dads and I’ve had several phone calls because of his behaviour. His dad took him to the park with friends children and adults, he was playing football and kicked off massively because they wouldn’t play his way, he hit one of them and raised his fist to another. He hates people cheering and I think that’s what set him off, but he couldn’t explain this or get his feelings across. He struggles to sit still or do simple tasks like getting himself dressed. He is also very literal.
I’m just struggling with how I should be dealing with it, should I tell him to sit still? Should I try and get him to play with other kids? Sounds still writing it but I don’t no how to deal with the behaviours and I don’t want to make things worse..
any help appreciated
thank you x
When my son was 8, he wanted to understand massive philosophical concepts and this created frustration. I felt for him because I was the same at his age, so frustrated I couldn't understand the maths to infinity or why everyone needed symbols and region... and where my parents failed I decided I wouldn't and that was to help my son learn to communicate - internally and with logic. I also committed to give him every reason to Always Trust me. To never be cruel or offended but always seek to understand and simply redirect or reason with him. (after all offence is a matter for an opponent, never a mother).
At 8, it's difficult to explain why something is hurtful or maddening. And many times Autistic children can see all these invisible forms of exchange in society, which might be how things are done, but literally don't make sense, especially when invasive or demeaning or cruel. And while noticing morally wrong exchanges also won't be able to explain why they feel they're wrong, which compounds the frustration, and one's better off in that moment in a gym.
I would worry less about him playing on his own. Many of us can feel as though others are overwhelming or irritating. One good friend is better than a hundred one barely knows and those take time to develop, but are worth-while.
I have tried to focus on helping my son find the particular identification for his emotions (labelling a thing gives us a type of power over it) and respecting his needs, especially if he asks to be alone. I just make sure he's eating and wait for him to talk. And then always be a calm, unwavering force for him to grow or fail or be emotional around. This one took some personal work and takes continual growth. He's 25 now, I intend to be a SAGE. Haha
The best thing for me to remember was that behaviour is secondary, it's a response to a perception or belief or experience. It's rarely if never the issue. There are many incredible things about autistic individuals and we learn by understanding and identifying the full structure of a thing, and I don't mind being hyper-focused on that one thing for days with out socialising. We are needed in society even though we might understand a thing a light speed or see details everyone else missed... But to feel confident that I can tell my father anything and he'll help me with it and to have my son feel confident that he can tell me anything and I'll help him with it. At least with this kind of relationship in working order, one can take on the world.
But yes... Don't make him sit still unless his life depends on it! Help him understand there are assigned moments when he'll need to but he can be 100% himself around you :)
I was curious for knowledge as a boy, but growing up I was unwilling to become teachable again, especially during driving lessons. However, I am becoming curious again.
I'm sorry to hear! I wonder why that was... There are so many things to learn and be curious about! Perhaps something spark a wonder and awe in you!