My Story

I’m a 25 year old man who was diagnosed with mild high functioning autism at a young age but until today continuously denied it and kept it a total secret to everyone outside my family.

Thanks to the incredible support of my mum and dad, who at one point were convinced I would never leave home for my whole life due to the severity of my autism as a young child, I made huge improvements and would go on to finish school with 5 A* and 7 A grades at GCSE and AAB at A level. I also have been in full time employment since leaving school and obtained Level 2 and 3 qualifications in fitness instructing, personal training and team leadership. I bought a flat almost five years ago and was a homeowner for three years before selling it as me and my family planned to relocate (which never happened thanks to Covid), but with lockdowns easing bought a flat in May and have almost completed the sale, my first flat was my proudest moment so can’t wait to be a home owner again. I have also had a lot of success in middle and long distance running, having done this for over 10 years for a local athletics club, and in December ran 16:35 for 5K, my best ever time on the road.

However, the one thing that has never been resolved is that I struggle to control my emotions, particularly anger. I care greatly about the patients I transport (work in patient transport), so when patients are let down by hospitals or other institutions I rarely, but did on Monday lose control of my temper and it’s now left me in a situation where I may lose my job in days, as it’s not the first time this has happened. No one was hurt, so it wasn’t physical, but verbal, not directed at anyone I spoke to specifically, but my boss thinks otherwise, so now I’m waiting for the dreaded phone call from her. Other examples, I had to resign from my position as coach of the school cross country and middle distance athletics teams when I left school as I exploded at a local athletics meet at the organising school via email and got my school into a lot of trouble, and at a local park-run a few years back went berserk at another runner who had a go at me for my loud wheezing while struggling to the finish line (was unfit at the time coming back from injury), and ended up getting confrontational and using expletive language in front of families and children. I’m not proud of this, and feel a great amount of shame to this day over these incidents. I seem to have two extremes, on and off, with no middle ground, and now it has cost me my job, having handed in my notice to try and get out of this job as soon as possible before something worse happens, and trying to find something else in a different industry before I end up unemployed.

In addition, I was diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety in February although thanks again to my parents and medication I am in a much better place. I mention this because it is of my understanding that people with autism often struggle with their mental health. Having the flat to look forward to has really helped, as until I bought it, I felt I had nothing to show for myself and felt like a failure.

Until today I kept my autism a complete secret, even to my employers and everyone I know outside my family. I feel a great amount of shame for how much of a complete nightmare I was to my parents as a kid and wanted to bury it, but now that I am in a position where I may be unemployed in a month, I have had to reflect on my life and have now accepted that autism is and will always be a part of my life and I hope this is the first step forward in resolving my extremes of emotions and how I feel about myself, so I don’t end up in this situation again in a future job.

Even writing this is a tough thing for me to do, but my parents said it would be beneficial to join a group of like minded people to talk to, so here I am with my story. Sorry to ramble on, but I hope it may help those of you out there who have been through similar things that you’re not alone.

I look forward to playing my part in this community and am always happy to help anyone who needs help, whether they have autism or someone they know has it.