Introduction and some questions!

Hello, everyone!

I want to make this as easy to read and quick as possible, but I do warn that I tend to ramble. And I'm also not a native English speaker, so I apologize for any mistakes. Also, if anyone has any tips for me on how to format things better or how it's best to set up these discussions, please let me know! (Should I post all my questions somewhere separately, for example?) <3

So, to start off, I'll give a quick and simple introduction. Hi, I'm Momet, an 18-year-old girl who just a few months ago got finally diagnosed with Aspergers (although it did start off as different diagnoses, for the sake of my own sanity they put it into simpler words and finally decided that Aspergers was the easiest for me to grasp.) Now, this is a huge achievement for me! I had been struggling for years in therapy, trying to understand what's so wrong with me, why I am so different, getting this diagnosis was just such a relief. But, since I'm still quite new to this whole concept, I wish to educate myself more and hopefully get some of my own questions answered and in general, I wish to simply speak with people who also have Aspergers/autism since I haven't really met anyone (who's at least been open about) having it and I feel like hearing about other people's lives is quite important. And this community feels like the best place for me to start!

I hope it's okay if I just number my questions, write them out and maybe write a bit more for context.

1. Is anyone else REALLY sensitive about the way they and others look?

So far, as much as I've looked around on the internet, I have seen no one speak about this. And it does make me worry and hurt. This is the main question I wanted to get an answer to. What I mean by this "sensitivity on looks" is quite literal... I cannot stand going out of my house if I feel like I don't look presentable, if I don't have make-up on, if I am not wearing clothes that look flattering... Of course, this all is very subjective! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... But still, I cannot help but feel like a monster for simply having chronic eye bags and pimples. And the worst thing is, this is also really interfering with my relationships. I was in an online relationship, my first real boyfriend (although I'm pansexual, so the gender doesn't matter much), for a few months, but it ended when I decided to be stupid and confess to him that I couldn't bear the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him. To this day I regret what I said, it was horribly mean and selfish. I have apologized to him and we're still friends, but this lingering feeling of just dread has never left me. I feel just so hypocritical, I couldn't care less about how others looked, but when it comes to attraction and love (including self-love), it means the world to me and it makes me feel so mean and empty. As if looks are all I care about, even though that's definitely not true. I simply have extremely low self-esteem, always have had it, so that's probably where this comes from. But I'm just so sick of having literal breakdowns when I realize I cannot look like animated or drawn characters from cartoons. I know that's physically not possible, I'm aware that perfection is impossible. Yet I still strive to be like one of the characters I've created, wanting to change everything about myself, from my voice and looks to the way I act. But does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have some ideas on how to deal with these feelings and thoughts? Sadly I haven't gotten too much help with therapy on this part...

2. Does anyone else feel really happy, yet guilty for merely existing and having Aspergers/autism?

So, this may just be the fact that I got this diagnosis while I was, in general, in a really stressful spot in my life. And new, life-changing discoveries do mess me up for a while. But I just feel so horrible, honestly, I feel bad that now it's "confirmed" that I'm "more broken" and "need more help" than most people. None of this is actually true, I am aware these are just my negative thought patterns trying to pull me down... But I just want some closure, does anyone else get these thoughts and feelings? Like you're a burden? Do these feelings fade away with time?

3. How and what sort of support should I start seeking for now?

I have struggled with school since about the 7th grade, since about the beginning of my depression and anxiety. And now I have dropped out 2 times from 10th grade, almost the third time this year. It's so embarrassing. Because I know I'm not dumb. But for me, literal school trauma from my first school that I spent 9 years in and now just an anxiety disorder really don't let me go to school without breaking into tears every day spent there. I am just never comfortable. And I genuinely love the teachers and vibe of the school I now go to! But I still can't go there without being a mess. I am just ashamed, I didn't befriend anyone at the new school, just in general had no one in that new environment I could go to, so I am not comfortable going there anymore, my snotty breakdown during a test near the first months of school really just scared everyone away from me, along with me accidentally getting involved in drama because I didn't communicate "right". Luckily with covid, I could finish this school year by doing most of my work from home, it's truly a blessing! I never thought the day would come where I could finish this 10th grade, it's such a big step for me, but I do feel as if I "cheated" to this victory by doing most things from home. But now I am extremely afraid of how I am supposed to continue if I physically can't find a way to force myself to school, I do wish to continue, I love studying! I'm also old enough, I feel guilty for depending on people, I feel as if I should really start working and move out soon, just like everyone my age around me, (let's not even get started with the guilt I feel when I see all my friends finishing 12th grade this year) but that just feels so impossible... But yes... Does anyone have any ideas on what I should talk to my school about? What can I do to stay sane yet still be able to get my education? What kind of support should I be seeking? Does anyone have similar experiences?

Okay but this is where I'll be leaving all of this, for now, I apologize for it being so long, I do want to hear feedback on how I should ask my future questions though! If you read this far, thank you so much, it means the world to me when people care enough to read about my experiences and I really wanna read about everyone else's too!

Well, that's enough for now, love you all and hope you have a fantastic day~! <3

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