Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing or how to approach this. I guess saying hi is the best way to start, so Hi!
I'm a woman in my 40s. I have been with my autistic partner for two years he also struggles with OCD.
I'm really starting to struggle with my relationship. I love him very much and do not want to get online and bash him, as I really believe he is a good person and has demonstrated so many times that he has my best interests at heart. He's one of the smartest people I have ever met. He is creative, practical and sensible. But at the same time I'm really starting to feel hurt, irrelevant, and lonely. I'd love to be able to talk to people who might be able to help me address this with him. Any attempts I have made so far have been somewhat clumsy. He gets upset if he thinks he has hurt my feelings, but he also gets frustrated when I can't make myself understood, which in turn makes me feel more isolated.
I feel strange going into detail on a forum. I know my inability to make myself understood is a big part of this problem. The things he does, whilst sometimes hurtful, I know are not meant as such and I feel like if I was able to explain effectively, we could sort it out fairly easily. I don't think he realises quite how unhappy I am, and I know if he did, he would be upset. He deserves better. My last partner was horrible. He took so much away from me, and my current partner has been so supportive and patient with me in that respect. He helped build me back up.
Still, because I came out of an abusive relationship, I find it very hard to know how to address issues with my current partner. I find it stressful and scary, and I always inevitably end up making things worse. I don't know what to do.
Hiya Johdan
you can contact relate by phone or by webchat for free at the below link
see if you think they can help you
www.relate.org.uk/.../talk-someone
The problem with Relate is they are likely to have no clue about dealing with an autistic person - no idea of their motives or triggers. An autistic adult will probably confuse their reading of the situation.
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time.. I feel you are being pretty hard on yourself simply because you cam out of an abusive relationship which can be very traumatic ( and cause PTSD ) . Ideally u need a professional to talk to establish where things can be improved.
have you tried these guys. u just need someone who sees ur relationship in action,,,, to see what the issue is
https://www.relate.org.uk/
Hi Craig, thank you for the kind words, it is very much appreciated. I hope you are able to work through things with your family too. I think if all parties are committed to sorting out the issue then there is always a way, even though it feels for everyone as though they are constantly hitting walls.
Being with an autistic guy can be very challenging but very rewarding if you can finally bridge the open-communication barrier.
Do you know his past? Has he been abused or bullied? OCD is often a control thing - too many variables to worry about so it's often an attempt to nail things down into a fixed state.
Does he get stressed at work? How does he wind down?
Hi Adele. I have read the link you provided. it was very reassuring and I feel less like I am going out of my mind or making a big thing out of nothing. Respect on all sides is so important, and it is so easy to lose sight of who you are when you are constantly being forced to redraw your lines in the sand. Whilst not the worst thing ever, it is an issue that needs to be addressed before it becomes much more of a problem.
Hi Anna. Thank you for the links, they made for interesting reading. I definitely know some of this already, but there are a few things I hadn't considered, or were clarifying because they were a slightly different perspective. Thanks for your help.
Welcome. I've done a post on Self respect (in the chat section) that might help people find their boundaries and articulate their feelings - I'm not brilliant at writing posts but I am good at finding links to helpful info, which is hopefully what I have done.
Hi Johdan, I can't offer an advice, but I can reassure you are not alone. Even though I am undiagnosed, I have seen the toll that my behaviours have taken on my wife and son, so I am very sympathetic to your situation. I hope that you can get the help and support that you deserve. Welcome to the community.
Hi Johdan, hello! Welcome to the online community and thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you're starting to struggle with you relationship. You may find the following information useful:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/maintaining-relationships
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autism-relationships
I hope these articles can give you some insight.
Best wishes,
Anna Mod