Hello there

Firstly, I want to mention that I am not a native English speaker, so there may be mistakes in the text below. I am mostly fine with the language, but I can easily get carried away and forget that grammar exist, please don't mind it too much :)

Secondly, and far more importantly, I am not even sure if I'm supposed to be here. I don't have an official diagnosis, though I am pretty confident when saying that I am indeed on the spectrum. Is this fine in this place? 

I would love to have a diagnosis, and I did try to get one. The dialogue with the therapist went like this:

"I think I might be autistic."

"No you're not."

"...May I go?"

"Yes you may."

Then we spent two more minutes discussing how adults can't be autistic, especially those who have finished school. The therapist also implied that the autistic person I talked to didn't exist, because it wasn't possible for her to get the diagnosis later in live. I've honestly had a meltdown right after the appointment (though I was glad it was such a short one), but now it is mostly funny. But, however much I can laugh at the opinion of the man, this conversation nonetheless convinced me in what I had suspected before: I am not getting a diagnosis until I move out from this country to a one with better understanding of mental health. 

So, now when I'm done with the story of why I'm not diagnosed, let me quickly explain why I think I am autistic. It's a bit hard for me, since I can tell a lot of small details that suggest that I am on the spectrum (such as a lot of ways I stim, all of the situations I failed to understand people in, the meltdowns I have had, the quirks I have...) but I have problems with putting them all in a few quick sentences. May I just tell you, that for the last few years, each time I act weirdly in front of a person I care about (which happens a lot), I pause and tell them why I do it this way, saying these exact words: "This is how my brain works."

The understanding that I am different from the most of people in how I think was painfully obvious throughout my whole life, even before I found a name for it. Autism explains it. It explains everything. And the explanation... it allows me to understand myself and to hate myself less. With it, I know why I never could fit in, I know that it's not my fault, that it doesn't mean I'm a terrible person that seems to just be broken, because why else can't I do the most basic stuff?... With it, I am just different from some people -- and similar to others. With this, the biggest desire of my life, to be normal at least somewhere, can be fulfilled. 

...but oh well, I don't have the diagnosis yet, and won't get it any time soon. Is it... okay? Can I still be here? Can I still call myself autistic?

(Telling this to people who knew me was especially funny. My mom just said that she thought I could have a diagnosis, but didn't want me to, because it could be problematic for my future. My friend (who knew me for only six month) told me he thought about it before, but considered rude to mention. My cousin said she doesn't care, but she can't be counted, she's an elf, of course she doesn't care about human's diagnosis (If I'm on the spectrum, she's pretty much here with me, though, and she agrees with it), but thinks I am obviously different from other people. It is just funny how they all somewhat knew it while I was sure that I'm doing good at pretending to be normal.)

Okay, I've no idea what I want to do with this message. I want the question answered, sure. And... to talk? With someone from here. I, if we are to ignore my cousin, have talked with one autistic person, and she was the most kind and understanding person I've ever met. And the one who seemed to weirdly get thing like being annoyed with the loud noises and sleeping on the floor because my couch has the fabric I hate touching. It was... strange. But nice. Maybe I can find a friend here, huh? I'd be really glad to try :) 

Sincerely, Alyona. 
(And I will be endlessly excited if you read my name with your wonderful accents, it always seems to sound so sweet when it's happening, I can't :D)