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I'm new, neuro-typical, and dating an autistic man

NAS71024
over 3 years ago

Met a guy on a dating app, he's super sweet and good looking and he was really open and honest with me about his autism and ADHD diagnosis. 

I've never dated someone with autism before and I know nothing about autism other than a few vague facts. 

I know it's a spectrum but any advice or knowledge you guys can share would be great. 

My main questions are: 

Is it "normal" for people with autism to form attachments super quickly?

Are there any general communication techniques or tips? I have found having to constantly reassure this guy to be really draining. 

How do I stop them from getting overwhelmed?

So sorry if these are offensive questions. 

I'm just trying to understand this guy better.

Parents
  • over 3 years ago

    Your narrative has a lot of resemblance to the one of my wife and I. Me being the autistic husband and her being the neuro-typical wife.

    Acceptance has been the key word for us. 

    We have difference neurological wirings, which means that we will inevitably misunderstand each other often. 

    My wife has had to accept that the life she has come to live with me and our two autistic children is different than the one she thought she would be living. Not better or worse, just different. 

    With regards to your questions: 

    1. I don't know of what is normal, but I can confirm that this was the case for me as well. I believe this is because I do not adhere to any societal or cultural norms e.g. "don't rush into a relationship". To me this seems like a vague and arbitrary rule made up by an individualistic and fundamentally capitalistic culture. Not a human trait. 

    2. First, make sure that you are in fact perceiving your partner as an equal. Not someone with a dysfunction, simple a person who understands the world differently than you. Next, try imagining your partner coming from another country with a very different culture and language. This can help you open your mind and strive to understand what he is trying to communicate. There is a very good chance that he has felt misunderstood in the majority of his human relations. Furthermore, there is a good chance that these misunderstandings has had severe - and to him surprising - consequences. This is how it is for me and I often need to ask, If what I experience is what other experience as well. 

    3. You can't. It's part of being autistic in this world to sometimes be overwhelmed. How the western societies work today is absolutely not inclusive of autistic traits and needs. We are bound to be overwhelmed from time to time. 

    It does take dedication to make a neuro-divergent relationship work. But it can hold a lot of value, which it seems is also clear to you. 

    I wish you both all the best :) 

Reply
  • over 3 years ago

    Your narrative has a lot of resemblance to the one of my wife and I. Me being the autistic husband and her being the neuro-typical wife.

    Acceptance has been the key word for us. 

    We have difference neurological wirings, which means that we will inevitably misunderstand each other often. 

    My wife has had to accept that the life she has come to live with me and our two autistic children is different than the one she thought she would be living. Not better or worse, just different. 

    With regards to your questions: 

    1. I don't know of what is normal, but I can confirm that this was the case for me as well. I believe this is because I do not adhere to any societal or cultural norms e.g. "don't rush into a relationship". To me this seems like a vague and arbitrary rule made up by an individualistic and fundamentally capitalistic culture. Not a human trait. 

    2. First, make sure that you are in fact perceiving your partner as an equal. Not someone with a dysfunction, simple a person who understands the world differently than you. Next, try imagining your partner coming from another country with a very different culture and language. This can help you open your mind and strive to understand what he is trying to communicate. There is a very good chance that he has felt misunderstood in the majority of his human relations. Furthermore, there is a good chance that these misunderstandings has had severe - and to him surprising - consequences. This is how it is for me and I often need to ask, If what I experience is what other experience as well. 

    3. You can't. It's part of being autistic in this world to sometimes be overwhelmed. How the western societies work today is absolutely not inclusive of autistic traits and needs. We are bound to be overwhelmed from time to time. 

    It does take dedication to make a neuro-divergent relationship work. But it can hold a lot of value, which it seems is also clear to you. 

    I wish you both all the best :) 

Children
  • over 3 years ago in reply to Charlie Timm

    Just wanted to say I appreciate you explaining that it helps to open one's mind by viewing someone as potentially from a different culture and language, as i often feel my son speaks a different language and I get annoyed with myself for not being more patient. It can be so frustrating and I wish i could do it better, any other suggestions?