The 23 year struggle to find friends and maintain relationships.

I'm content with being alone when I am engaging in activities that I can do by myself. (I have ASD). Other times... not so much. I yearn for meaningful relationships. I feel as though society is a secret club that everyone knows the code to get in and I am left in the dark.

I used to observe people; watch how they do it, watch how they... socialise. They're weird. "The weather is nice" "it's cold" "oh it's getting dark earlier now".

People say these things to eachother - I'm serious, they do. It's obvious, it's clearly obvious. No one has conversations taking about how the grass looked green last week and how it was green yesterday and then again today.

How do I compete with people if I can't even force myself to say these things in an attempt to join this secret club? They're so many rules and no one tells you what they are. I freeze in fear if a stranger says hi to me. I become mute. I panic in uncomfort and fear if someone goes for the hug without warning.

The scent of someone else is more telling than my intuition. Tactile functionality is my go to... - I have been in a lot of trouble for that. I fail at every chance I get to make friends. I feel like I can't do anything else to chance that.

I recently got into a sexual relationship with my girlfriend 5 months ago.

The first day I met her I had a huge meltdown, lost the power of speech filled with anxiety and bit her nose. I didn't plan to do any of that. It happened.

But she stayed. She's different, she's special...caring, I love her. There are things I don't understand here and I've screwed up so many times and she's still here... I want to show her I care too - properly but everytime I try I just keep making silly mistakes. I fear it'll end before we even start.

It makes it harder that she is 90 miles away but the travel isn't so bad because I get to ride the trains!

Coronavirus doesn't help either, with my girlfriends and finding any chance of making friends.

My new years resolution, every year, is to make friends, even if it's just one. It never happens... going into 2021 - I've become tired. It will never work. I can't order friends off amazon, and weirdly enough, my struggle extends onto social media. Despite being behind my phone the crippling fear still happens upon meeting someone new.

I'm tired of being tired and I already use the energy I have for things I don't want.

I don't know what to do.