Hello fellow Autistics & Allies!
I was diagnosed with Aspergers or ASD1 when I was 34 years old, I'm 37 now nearly 38. I paid privately for a test because I was told being an adult I wouldn't be able to be tested on the NHS, but then my brother in law was test on NHS for free, and I was told it was a postcode lottery type situation? I don't know what your experience has been like with getting tested as an adult? Anyway its done now, and I know I'm on the spectrum after having believed this to be the case for many years.
It has taken me 30 odd years to come to terms with who I am and what I expect from myself, meaning I'm 37 and only just now feeling like I'm becoming an adult or at least trying to think like one. By this I mean I'm really now trying hard consciously to zone people out, and not even think 'what are they thinking about me', or 'are they going to laugh at me' which obviously comes from a fear of being embarrassed. I've been like that since I don't know when and it can be very strong at times. I hope I succeed with it this time because before I've tried to do this and then always slipped back into that thought pattern.
I'm an adult in many respects but emotionally is not one of them. My two major problems I have in life now are the thought of moving out of my parents house and living alone which I know I will inevitably have to do at some point, and having major problems with intimacy. The moving house thing has been a problem even when moving home with my parents I always go into a quiet mode I think its because I feel unsettled. But I tried to move out and live with my brother but I lasted 5 days and had to go back home to my parents - major fail! I was so stressed by it and because I'd been in a job for nearly 10 years that gave me to much stress everyday, I suffered with psychosis symptoms for a year and half, and then developed Fibromyalgia - way to go me! I don't know whether the house situation has anything to do with when I was 14 we moved house in one night to get away from my father, but I never felt trauma at the time, but I was going into a new house with my now step dad, whom I didn't speak to for 3 years and couldn't be in the same room as???? Figure that one out? We're fine now though :-)
The intimacy thing I know may have something to do with a sexual incident I will call it that happened when I was around 8 or 9, I was coerced and naive enough to not even question it, when looking at it now I could have easily got out of the situation but I guess back then I just did as people told me and went along with things. Not knowing about the birds and the bees I spent like a year wondering if I was going to become pregnant and also keeping it a secret, which I think is now why I know I would feel embarrassed having to introduce a new person into my family as my boyfriend/girlfriend whatever, hence why I've never really had a significant other, I've tried and then I wouldn't even say failed more like I bailed at the first sign of them talking or approaching the subject of sex. Because I spend my whole questioning everything and wanting to know the answers to everything and always questioning why, my question is this, is my complete and probably irrational fear of sex and intimacy down to this incident in my childhood or down to the fact that I have Aspergers to boot and that has majorly exasperated the situation, because I know people who've been abused worse than me and who have no problem in that department? I know when I've tried to get there and one time I was very close I just couldn't let it go further, and during it I felt robotic like I didn't feel anything, I didn't naturally know what to do with my hands, if things had happened lets just say hypothetically it would have been me mimicking what I had seen on films and TV it would have been instinctively coming from me. I also have major self esteem issue in life generally which I'm trying to work on, but also with sex and my body so wondering if that is a an Aspergers thing or because of what happened when I was younger or both?
I'd be grateful to know what you guys think I've just wondered for so long, I'm just wondering if anyone else out there feels the same way or the same thing has happened to anyone else?
Thanks in advance for reading, sorry it was a bit long winded, but had to get it out.
Many thanks,
Embeth