Hi

I’m Eleanor,

Life is a bit of a mess at the moment for me. For most of my life I’ve been in what I call my bubble, my comfort zone basically, and it’s there where I feel completely safe and happy usually. Whenever I’ve been in a difficult situation I always close my eyes and picture myself in this bubble, keeping me safe from harm. The bubble is something I first thought of when I was 7 and now since then it’s become a big part of my life. Normally it gets me out of every anxiety attack and problem life throws my way. But things have become really dire now and it’s no longer working,

I’m feeling so overwhelmed and like I’m in a terrible nightmare. My whole life I’ve been so close to my mum, she has been a part of my bubble, holding me close and getting me through every problem that life threw my way. But not anymore. My mum is sick, extremely sick. For as long as I can remember she has always been healthy and I’ve always felt like she was immortal but last year she was having problems. She had digestive troubles and wasn’t feeling good after eating her meals. It turns out it was cancer and now it’s looking like my mum isn’t going to make it through this. She’s tired all the time and she’s not her old self anymore. Some days it’s like she doesn’t even recognise me anymore. Other than my mum I have no one else. I’ve no friends and no job and mum is someone I’ve always turned to when things got bad but now I have no one to turn to. Even my bubble isn’t helping me through this.

I don’t understand why this happened. I feel responsible. Did I put too much pressure and stress on my mum? Have I done something really wrong and this is punishment? It seems so wrong. My mum has never done anybody any harm. She’s the sweetest and most lovely woman you can imagine. So seeing her like this is really hard, especially as she’s usually so strong and resilient.

I just feel lost and betrayed by life. I’ve been praying and I’ve been as strong as possible but it’s not working, if anything she seems to be getting sicker.