I think I'm autistic. But I don't know and can't find out.

Hi. I guess I don't really know what I'm doing or why I'm writing this. I don't even know why I joined this forum exactly. I'm not from the UK (if that's even allowed), so any suggestions for local resources won't really help me.

I guess I feel like an alien. I kinda like the term alien, since I follow a comic creator whose comic is called "ADHD Alien." I found it after receiving an ADHD diagnosis last year. Since then, I've learned a lot about ADHD, as well as how much it has in common with ASD. In fact, some sources say that in brain scans of ADHD and autistic people, there's no difference except that they're both different from neurotypicals. Not to say they're the same, just that scientists haven't figured out what part of the brain is responsible for which. I'm really into medicine and anatomy so it fascinates me. 

Some days, ADHD feels like it fits. My meds work, I've improved a lot with them, but other times, I still feel like I'm not who I tell people I am. I'm chronically ill, I'm bipolar, I'm ADHD, I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm... weird. I don't have friends. I can't make friends. When I do, they often turn out to be abusive, even years and years down the line. Last year I flew across an ocean to visit friends for my birthday. By Christmas, they had abused me so bad, I'm pretty sure I'm now having symptoms of PTSD too.

I don't get people. I don't really care about how they feel, any more than is socially necessary, assuming I understand how they feel at all. At the same time, everyone says I care a lot. I don't think I do, maybe only sometimes with people I really like? I'm more concerned with what they think of me or how they're going to treat me if I say this or do that. It seems like everyone around me gets along... like they're part of an inside joke I was never privy to. I'm told I talk too much, I'm told I'm weird, I'm told I'm obsessive and no one cares about my interests. I understand fictional characters more than people, so I like to roleplay. Like I can make another person who makes sense. I don't voice call or FaceTime to get through this pandemic... I just stuck a bunch of googly eyes on stuff until I laughed for ten minutes straight. I joked to everyone that they all told me to "make friends" so that's what I did. Not quite what they meant, I know. 

I feel like everyone is just trying to fix me and make me more normal. Maybe that's why I don't spot abuse until it's too late. I think they're being nice because they say that they care.

I'm alone and I've always been alone. I think this pandemic has brought out more questions because I keep being asked... will I go back to school? Will I get a job? I'm on disability now. And I don't know. Going back to school has never been great for me. I don't do well. And I just go to class (assuming I feel well enough) and go home. Everyone says to get a study buddy to help me but I can't even make a friend. I'm in my mid-twenties and I just sometimes feel like it's easier to stop trying to include people in my life. That maybe if I finally try hard enough, I can do it all by myself.

I feel more myself alone anyway. I can flap or rub my hands together and touch myself and bite (gently) at my hands and no one looks at me weird or tells me to stop. I can have a meltdown and no one yells at me. No one tells me to "grow up." Sometimes I feel like I'm still a kid because I don't understand my emotions or people and even though I feed myself and stay clean and pay my rent and bills, I'm stagnant. I don't grow. At least, the kind of things I've survived aren't the kind of things you can put on a resume. I fight so hard for justice and accessibility and still don't feel like I belong in any space. 

Everything lately makes me feel angry and hated and alone. I guess that's why I'm here. I'm hoping maybe I'm not any of those things. That maybe I'm just me and that's okay. I can't get a formal diagnosis (even though I'm pretty obsessed with formal diagnoses; doctors don't get it, they ask why it matters and I say it's because I want to know and understand but they just tell me it won't change anything) because of the pandemic. Everything is closed down or I'm a low priority and I'm high risk so I can't go see a doctor anyway. I don't have anyone to talk to and it's starting to feel exhausting, wondering if a part of me is missing, all by myself. I don't want to self-diagnose because I don't like it. Not when anyone else does, but for me. Official diagnoses are made by doctors and scientists and experts. It's more exact, it's made on the basis of criteria and differential diagnosis and comorbidities. Even though I understand all these things, if a doctor confirms it, it's almost like peer-review (even though I'm not a doctor myself; I wish I could be.)

I'm Josie, by the way. Maybe I should have started with that. It's not my real name but it's a name. It's about as meaningful as any other one I use. I'm also a non-binary femme (she/her) but you can call me a woman if you want. I don't really fit in anywhere else, either, as you can see.

I really needed to get this out somewhere.

EDIT: I don't mean to use the alien analogy to be offensive. I just feel like it describes me best. Like at some time, before I was born, I existed somewhere and I decided to be born as a human and I made a terrible mistake in doing so. I thought I'd learn to understand other humans, but I just don't. I exist in my own world and sometimes it's okay but sometimes it's terribly lonely.