Hi - Recently diagnosed and wanting to chat with others with ASD.

Well where to start? I got diagnosed at the "ripe"old age of 54. I might have been diagnosed earlier had been for a Therapist saying that I didn't have Autism (he was one our work therapists, who I saw after returning to work from stress).

In fact that is the theme of my life, anxiety - which can evolve into stress depression. I couldn't work out why I got so up tight while everyone else seemed to breeze through life. My anxiety was getting worse as I got older ( not less as is normal ) and that led my GP to suggest there was a deep rooted mental angle to my anxiety.  As he said to me a lot of these "disorders" were unheard of in the 70' & 80's.

I was first diagnosed with Aspergers from a Psychiatrist and then went on to have a formal assessment with two Psychologists (last year May to September).

Like you, the diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Condition (ASC - they dont like referring it as a disorder anymore) was a relief. But in a way didn't really help, maybe because many people I know do not believe it. And that made me question the Soecialists just got it wrong and that I'm just one of lifes born worriers? 

But then you reflect on how tough life has been (it does get easier as you get older to cope, but clearly in my case with increased anxiety).

From my youth, I remember going to clubs and nightclubs and watching my friends chatting girls up and me thinking how do they do that? Any poor girl that smiled at me was greeted with a blank look. And of course I could never hear anyone and just gave up trying to talk to anyone. I only got close to girls, who I managed to get to know over a period of time. I would never try anything on, even when my friends said that certain girl were interested, because I never saw the "signs". I look back now and think you "idiot" why didn't you do something?.

I managed OK through University and was lucky enough to get a job locally. I hate to think how I would coped if I had to move and find housing for a job in a new place, I just don't think about it,

I've been in that same job for over 30 years and although its caused a lot of stress at times, it is very much the devil you, than the devil you dont - another running theme in my life. And as I got older, I realised I really wanted the routine of travel and familar work surroundings and was prepared to put up with the periods of stress the job generated.

Looking back, I just wished that in social situations I had been more switched on and able to cope with change. 

My social skills on a 1:1 are fairly OK now, but i still go away from meeting someone, analysing the encounter and wishing i had said something relevant/ interesting (thinking of things I should have said hours or days later) and maybe wishing I had not said some things.

Over the years I have devised coping mechanisms, alas in my case they are mostly avoidance mechanisms though, which can be quite negative. For example, I initially get quite excited when invited out by some friends but then I get more anxious nearer the time, looking at reviews of the pubs they want to go to, how to get there, train times or nearest car parks etc etc. In the end I overthink the whole thing that I usually make up an excuse not to go.

The one thing that has helped me is medication. I know it's not for everyone but, I found that certain medication dampened my mental and physical anxiety. It just greatly raises the threshold and frees my mind to work properly, especially in social situations.

A lot of people seem to rejoice in their Autism, but I would say that it has been very much a curse in my life.

If I had been NT, I might have experienced more relationships, tried working for different companies, travelled more, changed careers, lived considerably less anxious life and less inclined to rigidity follow the rules.

But as they "Hay Ho" you are still young enough to seek professional help if you feel you need it, to help re-program your mind. But at the being diagnosed is the first step on the path to a better life ??

Hi JohnS,

Thank you for your message, for sharing your story and for the reflections.  I hope you're well and managing in this strange period of lockdown.

I can relate to much of what you say and similarly, survived through university, whilst still feeling different. Since then though, I have made many changes in my life and each time my mental health spiralled and I struggled to cope with my ASC. 

I think you're right that I may need professional help to process what a diagnosis means and to think about what a managable, but also fulfilling life might look like.

Do you ever look at what others have, their achievements or experienecs and feel like you're missing out? I guess I feel like life could be more fun if I was more spontaneous and if I had less need for routine and to know outcomes. I guess I fear that diagnosis will become a time when I gave up trying and just survived not thrived.

What do you think would have been different for you if you had been diagnosed younger? Maybe its not to late to try some of them... feel the fear and do it anyway type thing?!

I think the priority for me is to rediscover my true identity, with the ASC puzzle piece included, find a fulfilling and manageable career and stay physically and mentally well. I would also like to make some new friends who know, understand and accept me as I am now, rather than the masked me of so many years; this is proving hard to do, partly because of lockdown (obviously), but also because of my age and my limited circles within mental health services and at work.

Take care, stay safe and keep in touch.

Camilla 

Hi JohnS,

Thank you for your message, for sharing your story and for the reflections.  I hope you're well and managing in this strange period of lockdown.

I can relate to much of what you say and similarly, survived through university, whilst still feeling different. Since then though, I have made many changes in my life and each time my mental health spiralled and I struggled to cope with my ASC. 

I think you're right that I may need professional help to process what a diagnosis means and to think about what a managable, but also fulfilling life might look like.

Do you ever look at what others have, their achievements or experienecs and feel like you're missing out? I guess I feel like life could be more fun if I was more spontaneous and if I had less need for routine and to know outcomes. I guess I fear that diagnosis will become a time when I gave up trying and just survived not thrived.

What do you think would have been different for you if you had been diagnosed younger? Maybe its not to late to try some of them... feel the fear and do it anyway type thing?!

I think the priority for me is to rediscover my true identity, with the ASC puzzle piece included, find a fulfilling and manageable career and stay physically and mentally well. I would also like to make some new friends who know, understand and accept me as I am now, rather than the masked me of so many years; this is proving hard to do, partly because of lockdown (obviously), but also because of my age and my limited circles within mental health services and at work.

Take care, stay safe and keep in touch.

Camilla