Hate Social Media, I’ve got a mountain that’s turned into a behemoth and I can’t climb over it...

The lockdown has sent me into a frenzy.  I have Aspergers.  Got diagnosed in 2017.  Have worked in a Supermarket for 20yrs.  Always been a weirdo and now they know why.  I hate Social Media.  Into books.  Have over a thousand and counting.  Only non fiction.  Especially True Crime.  The Dr who diagnosed me said I was fascinated by violence but I actually just like reading True Crime.  I therefore have a Non Proper Drs Report as it was full of inaccuracies and it really does my head in that I haven’t got a proper Dr’s report and other people have.  I haven’t had any help since my diagnosis.  Don’t know where to look for it.  I’m over 45 but under 47.  I never take any sick time off cos I don’t like filling out Return To Work’s although I did collapse in 2014 and it ruined my 10 year run of sick free work attendance and I took one sick day about 3 years ago after I found my ex nasty neighbour from hell who made my life miserable for 4 years with her nightly partying with her mates, every weekend, people coming and going all night, screaming and shouting, had been talking about me on her Instagram page and suggested one her mates come round and basically rape me.  It upset me so much every weekend for 8 weeks everything I ate went straight through me.  She got busted for drug dealing but she didn’t get kicked out.  She did a runner about two years ago and it’s been ok since the new bloke moved in but I have to have white noise on all night cos I don’t like listening to him and his girlfriend getting intimate.  Single, relationships are too complicated and I like using my own loo.  I don’t eat meat, vegetables, pasta, rice, bread, eggs, fish.  Basically just potatoes and cheese.  I love potatoes instant mash and one type of cereal Mini Wheats.  I love mature cheddar cheese sticks and vinegar.  If it’s not Cadbury’s it’s not proper chocolate.  Love Salt and Vinegar Walkers.  Eat Delmonte Tinned Pears in fruit juice but no other fruit except bananas but it has to be days old and sliced so I don’t bother with them.  Don’t smoke it’s disgusting and don’t drink alcohol cos that is vile and I don’t understand why people smoke or drink.  I love a cup of strong PG Tips.  Have two cats, one dead and one alive.  The alive one has extremely bad breath and loves purring to lull you into a false sense of security before she turns round and bites you.  The dead one is my one and truly, incomparable Misty Carpenter Blue.  Named after Karen Carpenter and my favourite colour.  Blue is everywhere.  Next cat I want to call Whitney Carpenter Blue after Whitney Houston.  Love tv.  Just come out of a mini obsession with the 80’s cop show Hunter.  It’s all I’ve watched since Coronavirus.  Oh yes, that.   It’s a mountain that’s become a behemoth and I can’t climb over it.  I can’t even listen to LBC radio at night cos they will be talking about it.  It’s been hell the last few weeks.  So tired and stressed and now the lockdown has come and I can’t understand why they say everyone must stay at home but I still have to go to work 5 days a week.  I’m just a checkout cashier.  I’ve been getting upset trying to cope with the relentless crowds at the till.  People getting stroppy cos of restrictions.  One bloke in my queue on Sunday said you lot must be making a huge profit and I said it’s not all about profit and that people like him annoy me when they go on about Supermarkets profiting from the Coronavirus.  He said he was only joking and called me rude.  I tried to explain to him I had Aspergers and I don’t always get when people are joking but he said he wasn’t interested.  I said don’t you want to understand about autism and he said he didn’t care.  That upset me and later a woman came in later and it looked like she was holding up her phone and taking video off me and I started overthinking like I always do and thought what if she is linked to the man from earlier and was taking video of me cos of what happened to take to the online papers.  I got upset and had to get off the till.  The online papers fuel my daily rants.  I rant and rave to cope with my stress.  When I was younger I used to hit my fist against walls.  Now I like to put my hand under my bedside lamp cos it’s warm.  I don’t do it so often now but I used to burn it and my skin was like paper.  I am scared cos they have tape marked on the floor so there is Social distance between the customers but there is no Social distance between the customer and cashier.  You cannot Social distance in a Supermarket.  I’ve been fretting for weeks.  It’s been building up.  Still I cannot understand why we are told STAY HOME but I still have to work.  It contradicts what’s in my head.  All I want to do is stay home.  I don’t want to work but I have to in order to pay the bills but if I didn’t have any bills I would stay home 24/7.  Never socialise.  Never travel.  Never go on holiday.  I always wear the same clothes when I see my mother every Wednesday not now cos she is self isolating with my irritating father.  Can’t drive, too complicated.  Have trouble crossing a road, have to go to end of the line of cars cos I don’t like crossing in between.  Have terrible perspective and awful at directions.  I have one friend from work who I focus on. She was the one who figured out I was autistic.  Always felt different to my sisters.  Often asked my mother if I was adopted.  Always need to be reassured.  Don’t do hugs.  Can’t express myself with physical affection.  It feels awkward.  I cry a lot.  I am not very good at talking but can write everything down.  I even wrote my friend's Biography.  Hugely embellished it.  Outrageous claims that are entirely fiction.  I’m dreading going back into work on Thursday cos I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to be at work.  Coronavirus is in my head and it keeps going around and around like a hamster in a wheel.  It’s taken over everything.