Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I know you may think the last bit of my sentence sounds rather ominous. Rest assured it's not. I've watched Youtubers and people in news articles talk about autism but I never gave it much thought until I realised the penny had dropped and all this time I myself might be autistic. I'm in my late twenties and overall I'm somewhat shy but only when I'm around people I hardly know. I need to spend a long time with someone before I can really be myself. Sometimes I suppress my true self. Several months ago, I was stressed out at work to the point I was crying. I made a self referral to a advice service to cope with my stress. I did some self reflection on my life at that time and certain aspects of my childhood and adult life alludes to me being on the spectrum. I haven't had an official diagnosis.
I was sort of in denial but then it dawned on me that it was the facade I have put up to try and blend in. This is not something I can discuss with my mum because she's not very understanding. She got so angry on one occasion when I was 14 when I told her I was seeing a learning mentor but in actual fact it was a debating club which was being run by a learning mentor.
Between the ages of 4 - 7 I had to see a speech therapist as I struggled to talk properly. Back then my grandmother said I had a heavy tongue. Actually it was a stammer (which I still have on very rare occasions to this day). At school I used to talk to the other kids but I felt invisible as if what I said was ignored. I did make some friends but nothing really lasted. From then on I think I put up the barrier and facade until I was at university when I read an article about indigo children and it shared similarities with me. At university I made some lifelong friends and these friendships have lasted this long because of the things I have in common with them.
I know this message isn't structured well. Normally I write better than this but I wanted to share just a few parts of my life and get some thoughts from other people on the forum.
Thank you and I hope to discuss this further with you all and try to find out whether I should be officially diagnosed or just remain as I am. Without knowing for certain is leaving me scratching my head and worrying though.
Welcome to the forum.
As Rach has pointed out, there certainly can be advantages to having a formal diagnosis - for many people just the feeling of certainty that it gives them. But it's not essential, and some people prefer not to. It doesn't matter to us here, nor on most other autism forums - shared experiences that you identify with and useful advice are just as valuable whether you have a diagnosis or not, and autism shows itself in such a broad diversity of ways that a formal diagnosis is a pretty blunt instrument anyway.
Online forums, on the other hand? I wouldn't be without them - they're the best "therapy" that I've ever had, and I hope you'll find the same.
Best wishes.