"Up Top" Again

Hello everyone,

It's been quite a while now since I posted here (or on any autism forum). As is my usual MO, online or IRL, I snuck away to my cave as quietly as possible (I always prefer to think that no-one will notice me slipping away - I find goodbyes even harder to deal with than introductions!) But I've found myself over the last few weeks indulging in a little lurking, and much to my surprise, even finding that I might like to have a voice in the world again. It's heartening to see both familiar and new members supporting each other so kindly, as they always have here. So, as we (ex-)cavers like to say, I thought I'd return "up top" again, if only to say "Hello".

So, erm; Hello! Grinning

Why did I disappear? Well, that old catch-22 of being autistic, I suppose. The times when one is struggling to interact with the world, and maybe could most do with a little comfort and support, are so often the times when the interaction required seems most unattainable. Not that things have really been so terrible, with the possible exception of having DWP shennanigans to deal with yet again. Ennui would probably describe it more accurately - the days have all been so similar and humdrum that I have no sense whatever of how long I've been like that. I would ask for help with this more often, if only there was someone to help me to do the asking!

Much as I'm thankful for the support and education that I've received over the years in places like this, when I start to feel that the problems of dealing with the world outside my head are perennial and insurmountable, intense discussions about autism can lead me into vicious cycles of procrastination and rumination which I just have to give myself a break from - though, of course, this is a totally unintended side-effect, not a criticism of the forums or any of you lovely people. I get so that I can parrot my little scripts for getting through the essentials of survival - but really, that's no more than a robot playing back a bunch of recordings. On an interpersonal level, I lose my voice, so to (not) speak (ouch - I do apologise for the awful, though unintentional, mixed metaphors and puns there! - if only I could learn to use words to communicate thoughts and feelings better rather than as toys for my mind to play distracting games with! Laughing)

Whether I'll have much to say, or will stick around very long this time, I wouldn't like to even attempt to predict - but for now, it feels nice to be back and to have broken the ice!

Best wishes, everybody.

Parents
  • How rude of me! All these lovely, heartwarming replies, and there's me wandering off and forgetting that I even made this thread! (thanks for the bump, CM!)

    [Yes, I know I could use notifications and all those other fandangled features - but I'm a stick in the mud with a bad case of inboxophobia!]

    Thank you all for your greetings and kind compliments! I'm really enjoying getting to know some new people and seeing some familiar faces again! Grinning

    but often because it just seems too hard to keep conversing

    That's often the way it goes for me. No matter how nice the people or how autism-friendly the site, I still struggle a lot with social anxiety when I'm on the forums - it's just too deeply ingrained. I'm constantly fretting about whether I hit the right tone, written something that could be misinterpreted badly, etc. It doesn't stop after I've posted it either - I go to bed ruminating about them quite often.

    While it's lovely that people have appreciated my writing, that too can be part of the problem. My apparent "way with words" is the result of a pretty deep obsession with them for their own sake, combined with relentless editing sessions which can go on for over an hour just to write a couple of paragraphs (and a good chance that I still won't post it!). I can never resist one more tweak to get the words absolutely perfect, not just in the sense of getting across what I'm saying, but in a far more abstract way that (ironically!) I can't really put into words (I suspect this may have something to do with hyperlexia - I had the characteristic precocious reading ability as a kid). The end result is a hell of a lot more coherent than I can manage in a face-to-face conversation, but it's a laborious process very often.

    So, yeah - I can burn myself out posting on forums pretty easily. It's still worth the effort though, and I would be gutted if I lost access to the communities that I take part in - I just need to learn to temper my anxiety and perfectionism (or keep taking a break now and then!)

  • You put into words so well what I cannot about myself. Yet I feel pretty much similar. Welcome back.

  • Thankyou. Experience definitely helps with the writing. I've been using autism forums for getting on five years now, so there are many topics that I've written about many, many times - I like to think that my writing about them improves a little with each attempt, and just as importantly (though maybe a little selfishly) my thoughts and feelings become clearer to me, too. It's something that I'd encourage anyone to do, even if they don't make it public; I find it the best thing for dealing with the procrastination and rumination which can trap me in "analysis paralysis" if I'm not careful.

  • Haha - now you mention it, it does.

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