Published on 12, July, 2020
If anyone has experienced a similar problem around my sort of age (16 - 24, I'm 18) please could I ask for some help or assistance?
For months (since February/March) I've finally gotten myself out of the house, absent myself from the screen, and attempt to get a lot of stuff done giving myself positive experiences and merit for myself (Gym 3 - 5 days a week has been my greatest). But I've started to realise a problem I've had for a long time right in front of myself, I have very few people I see outside of school (I go to an autistic specialist school) and have gone through most of my teen years without a peer group and now I don't feel as though I have ANYTHING to do at weekends or most days during my time off school/work, it's negatively impacted both my confidence in myself and my future and my constant sanity from day to day and week to week. Going out and doing things (or having enjoyment from them) requires interaction with peers or person(s) with similar interests and genuinely having mutually positive relations.
This wasn't so much an issue for me last year, partly I didn't feel so isolated because I had video games, Paint.net, Cartography, Art, and I still felt as though I would be able to reunite with distant friends who I still have contact with through Facebook, Instagram, Quora, Minds.com, etc. But each time I've tried to contact anyone and asked to meet up; I've either received no further response from "Yo, How ya doing, Hey, Hi, What's Up", been declined with "I'm Busy" "I can't do this weekend, sorry" "I've got no time or interest today maybe another time" or not been able to meet up when we'd planned month or two weeks ago. I was even meant to meet up with two people from school to go to Greenwich and Thorpe Park both had to be cancelled because they were busy or unable to meet up. The other problem is that I don't even feel I have family anymore, My Dad says he wants to help (and I trust and believe him, he's doing what he can since he's gone through similar phases to me) but doesn't often use his time to book or make arrangements to do things at weekends and has become increasingly lazy recently. Whereas My Mum has no genuine interest in sorting out my depression instead replying "You're entitled, you should be grateful of all the good things I give and do for you", "I'm depressed, we're depressed it's not all about you", "But you wouldn't be able to cope, or what if it doesn't work out". Yet for years she's been holding me back from non-autistic-specialist events, clubs, etc. and constantly treating me as though I'm a child or lower functioning autistic person "because I'm autistic" not even giving me a path for the same opportunities most people my age would likely have (again "because I'm autistic"). Like when she cancelled my NCS (once in a lifetime opportunity now gone) for similar reasons to the above.
Lastly, we lately traveled to Lucca (Tuscany, Italy) for a week (Jul 30th - August 6th) and although I enjoyed it, I felt really left out since Mum (I went with my Stepfather, Mother, Sister and Sister's friend) wanted to stay in The Villa (by the pool or in the kitchen or vinyard nearby) whilst I asked to go to see historic, cultural and natural landmarks as well as enjoy the local cities, towns, mountains, things to do, etc. Though we did go out a couple of times (mainly in the evenings to grab food out or take a quick view of our surroundings). I had two major arguments with Mum, one was when I felt she was treating me like a ten year old child in Pisa so I made myself appear big and aggressive to show her I was not one in response, and she accused me of being 'physically aggressive' when the only time I touched her was when I patted her shoulder twice in reassurance, we had to leave after 25 minutes. The other back at The Villa, when I tried to talk calmly with her about why I was feeling anxious and depressed she threwback "who are you to constantly blame me for everything bad in your life" and "be grateful, I give you (x), (x), (x), (x), (.....)" and "I've given you enough freedom so what do you possibly want more of?" so we argued instead, I was worried sick I'd made her or my stepfather uncomfortable to travel with me in the foreseeable future (though I will soon hopefully have my own job and will be able to book my own trips. What's the point or enjoyment involved in doing it completely solo? I really am grateful for all the good I've had, but all I would like is relations/friendships with leads to advance and create opportunities and things for myself to do and increase my pursuit of happiness .
My OH will try and make plans with his groups of friends and people often either cancel last minute or don't reply to the group message. If you have lots of friends it's easy to be dismissive if you're getting numerous offers. He keeps the door open and is accepting that sometimes these individuals will be interested and other times they won't. As an autistic individual, I will often need alone time to avoid serious MH issues, which is why I've cancelled social plans.
It sounds like your family have a lot of issues going on and are unable to support you effectively because of their own MH issues. I know how isolating and tough this can be. Unfortunately, I found I had to take responsibility and sort out all of my challenges on my own as my family were often unreliable/incapable.
How do you make friends? For example, I often see Meet Up recommended but this wouldn't work for me. All the friends I've had have been gained through consistent regular contact, such as sitting next to them at work or in a class. I've never made friends from the gym or by attending a class for a few hours a week. Do you currently work? If not, is this something you could explore?
I’m glad for you that you’ve found group(s) to communicate and hang out with, although I’m taking work experience a couple of days a week, each time I’ve looked for work through my employment agency (indeed/reed) 86% of the jobs I was looking for (retail/retail assistant/receptionist) (although I set the locator to only find jobs in my local area) happened to be in Luton, Manchester or even Cardiff.
I signed up to meet-up.com yesterday and I’m hoping for good results (Going to National Art Gallery on August 22nd) and will start a new lead. Most of my Mental health (depression rather) has come from a lack of social opportunities, though I did feel previously the need for long periods of time alone which has now made it worse for me since.
Thanks for sharing