Hi, I'm new here! Asperger's and family life..

Hi, I’m new here.

I am a 32-year-old male and it’s recently come to light that I have Asperger’s. Whilst the discovery has helped explain my whole life and why I am like I am, I’m struggling to cope with normal life. The main reason for this is the drastic change in my lifestyle over the last 2 years. I’ll try to give a brief background without going into too much detail:

I had clear autistic traits from a young age from my peculiar playtime rituals to my OCD hand washing (I sucked my thumb and I needed it to be clean!). When I started primary school, I refused to talk. Something I now know is called selective mutism which I still suffer from today albeit in much different circumstances. I wouldn’t even answer my name for the register. The school phoned my mother and asked what was wrong with me.. After they got fed up with me their solution came in the form of a new boy joining school – it was known he could be a bit of a trouble maker. So, they sat him next me in every class to ‘bring me out of my shell’. It worked: my personality flipped on its head and my behaviour deteriorated rapidly.

I don’t specifically remember too much after that. I eventually developed a way to socialise and communicate with people by replicating their traits and language, I still do this today. I was very popular at high school and got on with every type of character, I felt fine. The only time this mechanism fails is when I come across somebody who is exactly like me, its horribly awkward. But I used to put that down to them, not me. I realise I’m dragging on so fast forward:

For 10 years I worked in the same company (from home) and was married to someone who worked shifts. This meant I was getting a lot of alone time without realising just how important it was to me. This allowed me to fit in perfectly with everyday life, I could adapt and cope. We have a child together but the marriage eventually broke down. This was the first big change. I then changed jobs – I managed a team of 10 and commuted to an office everyday, it was incredibly demanding. It was not to last though as the company went into liquidation and I was made redundant on the spot. I now how a different job but still have to commute to an office. During this time I have a new partner and we have 3 kids between us and we’ve moved house twice.

I’m forced to be social everyday and my senses are very often overwhelmed and I get very little alone time to recharge. I’m very bad at going and getting my alone time though – I don’t want to abandon my family; I feel awful doing that. I have days where I’m ridiculously high and I have more energy than the kids but I also have days where I’m so low I don’t want to be around anyone or anything in the world. The worst part is I can’t communicate how I truly feel because I lack the ability to. This is when words become physically stuck in my head again (my selective mutism, I can’t talk about my inner most emotions) – this causes conflict because I appear to be functioning very normally until I breakdown and need my space. The cycles of my ups and downs are becoming shorter and shorter and are causing arguments and problems. We both have read a lot about Asperger’s but we seem powerless to cope with the issues it causes…

If you’re still reading, I thank you! I think what I’m asking is does anybody have any coping mechanisms or suggestions I could try? (Or maybe just some supportive words) I’ve read a lot but not actually addressed the community – what are your experiences on coping with family life?

Thanks for your time, it took a lot to write this. I've spent the previous 5/6 hours lying in bed in the dark after a particularly bad episode..

Parents
  • Hello and welcome Today I also get to know that my sister's son is suffering from autism my heart broke down after hearing this bad news.

  • suffering from autism my heart broke down after hearing this bad news.

    Language is important. The words above are considered ableist language in relation to autism.

    People don't suffer from autism, they suffer from lack of acceptance, lack of suitable support, from prejudices, discrimination, bullying, absence of sen provisions and reasonable adjustments. I think when a person is diagnosed, reading about a social model of disability is a good start. People are disabled by barriers in society, not by their impairment or difference.

    https://www.scope.org.uk/about-us/social-model-of-disability

    This is about equality and autonomy of people with disability. Being disabled is not the end of things, it just means you function differently and may have to achieve your goals differently. And it is about disabled person's goals, not their family's. Disabled people have autonomy, mind of their own. Yes, it is probably harder, because of societal structural barriers and lack of acceptance. 

    In relation to autism, this is an old debate, started by Jim Sinclair in his speech 'Don't mourn for us'.

    https://www.autreat.com/dont_mourn.html

    He said that parents wishing their child didn't have autism means they wish they didn't have this child but another one without a disability instead. Hardly a supportive message from the family.

    I am autistic and perhaps I like black and white thinking in this regards. Saying that a child is a tragedy to parents because he is autistic is ableism.

    This is why this language is better avoided.

Reply
  • suffering from autism my heart broke down after hearing this bad news.

    Language is important. The words above are considered ableist language in relation to autism.

    People don't suffer from autism, they suffer from lack of acceptance, lack of suitable support, from prejudices, discrimination, bullying, absence of sen provisions and reasonable adjustments. I think when a person is diagnosed, reading about a social model of disability is a good start. People are disabled by barriers in society, not by their impairment or difference.

    https://www.scope.org.uk/about-us/social-model-of-disability

    This is about equality and autonomy of people with disability. Being disabled is not the end of things, it just means you function differently and may have to achieve your goals differently. And it is about disabled person's goals, not their family's. Disabled people have autonomy, mind of their own. Yes, it is probably harder, because of societal structural barriers and lack of acceptance. 

    In relation to autism, this is an old debate, started by Jim Sinclair in his speech 'Don't mourn for us'.

    https://www.autreat.com/dont_mourn.html

    He said that parents wishing their child didn't have autism means they wish they didn't have this child but another one without a disability instead. Hardly a supportive message from the family.

    I am autistic and perhaps I like black and white thinking in this regards. Saying that a child is a tragedy to parents because he is autistic is ableism.

    This is why this language is better avoided.

Children