Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been with my partner for the last 10 years. He is undiagnosed but I am 100% sure is aspie although I’m also pretty sure he would deny it himself. I’ve been aware of his traits for the entire duration of our relationship and in the main, we get along great. He is very high functioning, clever, sweet, kind and creative and I believe our relationship has been generally fulfilling for both of us. I continue to struggle, however, with lack of physical contact. Only on a handful of occasions has he initiated a hug or a kiss himself.
I got overwhelmed and upset due to feelings of rejection about 4 years ago and we separated for 6 months. There were issues going on in my life and I felt that he wasn’t able support me nor give me the comfort I was needing at that time. Despite this, I always knew that he loved me and we got back together. He struggles so much with expressing his emotions and in spite of that he agreed to go to relationship counselling with me which made me realise how much he wanted to make it work. Plus I simply missed him so much when we were apart.
At that time I decided that if I needed a hug I would just hug him if I wanted, regardless of whether he reciprocated. I’ve carried on that way since then and I believe we’ve been pretty good since. Although I have had spells of feeling sad about us not being a ‘normal’ couple they’ve passed pretty quickly in the face of all the good things we have together.
Very recently though I have started to wonder about whether me ‘taking’ the comfort I wanted is the right thing to do. I have been plagued by the worry that I am violating him and his personal space in some way. I have tried to talk to him about it and tell him that I am sorry if I have caused him discomfort. He said it was ‘fine’ but didn’t deny it, which just about broke my heart. He has also promised to try harder to be affectionate with me, but I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t like. I haven’t touched him since and he has gingerly touched me a couple of times but he is clearly uncomfortable when he does it.
I don’t know what to do now - whether I should just continue doing as I have the last few years, or whether I should stop contact unless he initiates it himself. I wondered whether we could reach an agreement that he would speak up if he wasn’t happy with anything I was doing, but I know he is aware of how important physical contact is to me and I don’t really trust that he would let me know.
I love him to bits but I have no idea how to handle this.
Hi Nettle,
I can probably tell both sides of the story for you so hopefully this will be of some help. I have Aspergers myself but I’ve also been convinced for a long term that my husband has at least autistic traits if not Aspergers. Neither of us is spontaneously affectionate with each other (rather hilariously he has berated me before for my lack of spontaneous affection but he’s worse than I am!) which most of the time suits me just fine BUT sometimes I really want a cuddle, like the first few weeks after I gave birth to our daughters when I was feeling a bit vulnerable or when I’m upset about something and even if I ask for a cuddle I kind of get held at arms length and patted like a dog! Or not cuddled at all depending on what mood he’s in. It’s difficult and it makes me feel rejected and like my emotional needs are not being met. Would your partner give you a cuddle if you asked for one? The next thing I was going to say is that it might be better to ask him rather than just cuddle him. I can handle cuddles up to a point, I have 3 children, two of which are under 5 so I have to be ok with cuddling BUT I do have my limits, my middle daughter is the definitely NT of the bunch and she’s very very tactile, sometimes she’ll start stroking my hair without warning or start stroking my tummy while she’s cuddling me and I absolutely can’t hack it, I feel bad as she’s just a child being affectionate to her mummy so I usually try to grin and bear it but it makes me feel really squirmy! My eldest will sometimes rest her feet in my lap while watching tv and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, I can handle the polite brief hug and kiss that you do to greet people at social events but if someone came up and full on hugged me, if my husband came up and full on hugged me, I really wouldn’t like it. If however, I was asked/warned about the impending cuddle first though, I’d have time to mentally prepare for it and I’d be able to tolerate it better.
Hey Kitsun,
Thank you so much for your response. It must give you a pretty unique insight to be on both sides of this!
Recently I have thought about asking up front if it’s ok or at least telling him what I’m going to do before I do it, but it feels so stiff and formal, lacking in spontaneity to do so.
The words you use to describe hugs and cuddles , ‘handle’ and ‘tolerate’, indicate reluctance. Do you have more positive feelings associated with contact too? Is it possible to foster them? Or am I asking for more change than my partner is able to make? He manages to lavish great affection on our cats and I would just occasionally to see a bit of it myself! To be fair, he takes great enjoyment from tickling my feet even though he knows I cannot stand it :)
I assume that your husband hasn’t been formally diagnosed? I have never raised with my partner my belief that he is autistic because I’m not sure how he would react and I have always been uncertain of what benefit it would actually be. At various points in time we have spoken about his traits such as not getting social cues, his obsessions etc and have over time developed our own little ways to manage them which has involved compromise on both sides, but I have never been explicit with him as to what I think is their cause. Do you think it would be worthwhile to do so? I worry it would upset him if he thought I thought there was something ‘wrong’’ with him and that he would think I am trying to blame him for our problems.
thanks
Nettle