Hi - New member, asking for Help or Advice please...

Good Morning. This is my first post and apologise in advance for how long it might be, but I am in a situation where I really need some advice or pointing in the right direction, if anyone is able to do so please or if I am even following the correct route. I also appreciate that this isn't a relationship guidance or otherwise forum. Please bear with me and the rambling.

I am in a relationship and have been for some time now with a single parent of a single child, who is now 9. We have good times, but also a lot of bad times, which isn't healthy for anyone, especially the child. There is a chequered past - the parents split at a young age and the child is very attached to the parent that I am in a relationship with. One minute we’re best mates, the next worst enemies, which I think might be around me being seen as coming up and breaking the status quo and taking the parent away from them, which isn’t the case.

I have put a lot of everything in the past down to being a ‘normal’ kid, but at 9 years old, at least to me, things should be a lot different than they are. Trying to speak to my partner or the grandparent is getting me nowhere - I need to let up, I need to keep my mouth shut - but on the other hand they want an element of disciplinary figure in the child’s life, so either way I can’t seem to win. It’s their way or no way, which doesn’t work for me. I am being told it’s not my child, never will be and I have no idea as I haven’t any children of my own. They’re a very close family. Whilst I may not have my own kids, I have grown up around a lot of friends with kids and have been told many times that I would make a good parent one day. Also I have been around and have known many 9 year old and certain things in the current situation never applied to them. If I say anything about any of my experience, it always comes out that they’re not my child etc, that they’re just a normal child and I am too hard on them.

Now to me something isn’t quite right or they’re just lazy and need to grow up, which is very difficult in their environment as they’re molly coddled to buggery and can do no wrong. So I started looking into what I was seeing, given that I am an external factor to the family bubble of the last 9 years. This meant putting a number of things into Google. Now I am not the biggest advocate of online doctoring, but seeing everything pointing back to the same thing at least tells me there must be something to it.

While it would make sense for me to potentially walk away and keep out of everything, I love my partner and the kid, but I can’t see this all being ignored. In my eyes it is simple - I have said look into getting some input around this and if I am wrong then I’ll take that and step back or away, but they’re aren’t interested in the slightest and they aren’t having anyone ‘analysing’ the child etc etc. But my worry is, if there is something, then surely it makes sense that it is picked up and supported from now, rather than being worse or causing any problems later? They also cannot see passed their status quo/bubble. I really feel for the kid in all this. I am also certain that for all this happening, I have made a positive impact on the kids life to - they ask after me when I am not there, want me to do things which none of the parents would ordinarily do with them.

Anyway, while I don’t know exactly what the issue(s) might be and I have read that autism is usually diagnosed by age 3, I am wondering if there might be components which fall on to the Autism Spectrum. If it was a case that there was one or two things, I’d let it lie, but there are a lot more and I just think they might need some help in certain areas and don’t want them to be held back - they’re a bright kid with loads of potentially, channelled in the correct way. However the family, especially the grandparent, seems to be an ‘expert’ in everything, which my partner can’t see past. I am told I see the child ‘as a monster’ and I am always wrong. Also they have been tested/screen by SENCO for things in the past, at around age 5/6, about three times and I am told and they have never found anything. I don't know how these things work, but if being seen as school where they're good, I'd say things could possibly have been missed or not seen.

The issues, as I see them:

• Flapping - whenever watching TV, Ipad or reading, this happens.
• Repeating the same question over and over - given the correct answer, talked to, but still does this. Randomly asks the same question mid conversation. Maybe as they haven’t heard what they want to hear, I don’t know.
• Ask to do things many times - unless it is what they want to hear, this can be a nightmare at times. Appreciate as a kid things won’t usually happen first time, but for example - if asked to clean teeth, kicks off. If asked if wants to play on phone or go on Youtube, no repeating question here.
• Doesn’t like change - moved house and I came into their life around the same time.
• Cannot be on their own - if ever watching Youtube or on the ipad, this isn’t an issue, as doing something they like? But ask to go and get something in the kitchen for example, very uncertain/unsure and always asking who’s there and where they are.
• Suck thumb / rub parent arms all the time - Only at home, when the kid seems to be comfortable. I am told always been like this, as it is a comfort thing. However won’t do it when with other parent or when around peers. I have read about known textures being something that can be latched onto.
• Uncertain/Confidence - this I can put down to age, but they’re so capable of things that, even with a friendly push, the kid simply does not want to do as they don’t know it.
• Temper - when asked to do something doesn’t want to hear or come away from Youtube/Ipad, kick off - throw things, hit people.
• Phone when out - Always got to have a phone when out and play games or go on Youtube, will play with others if can be convinced/supported to do so.
• Looks past you when talking to you - looks in the eye when talking, then immediately looks away and carries on talking.
• Really good at school - started off a bit behind, needed assistance. Now better and excelling in certain areas, maths and reading. Makes friends etc fine. Comes home from school and kicks off - parent and grandparent tell me that this is fine, as long as good at school can ‘vent’ at home ‘to let off steam’. I personally don’t see it that way, but what do I know.
• Same things over and over - Likes Youtube and always asks for it, try to get to ride bike or anything else, then boy can it be hard work, even though when they’re doing it, they love doing it.
• Has a cat - loves the cat to bits, helps calm them even. Cat sleeps with them at night on their bed generally.
• Can’t sleep on their own - someone has lay in bed with them ‘to get them off to sleep’ every time. Maybe sees me as taking parent away as when I am over they don’t get to share the same bed obviously, but do let them in.
• Toilet - this is my biggest issue. When on the ipad of watching TV, has no problem soiling themselves. Apparently according the parent and grandparent this is normal and assure them that it is fine and not a problem. Just clean up/get changed and all will be well. They ‘forget’ or are ‘lazy’ when it comes to this and it is fine. If I say anything, I get shot down in a blaze of whatever. My argument here is, which miraculously never seems to happen, it that if they were to do any of this at school and they were seen, boy would it stick with them for the rest of their life and they’d very likely have a lot of problems over it. Also if this soiling happens, the child can’t understand why they have the ipad of phone taken away and why they can’t have it back, as they haven’t done anything wrong. I have suggested and tried to get them to go to the toilet by forcing a break of the iPad or phone, but I ‘need to leave them alone, its fine’. Again I don’t see it that way.

Now I appreciate that advice on here might be that I need to back off, take the parents/grandparents side or whatever, but I am genuinely concerned for the kid and I feel that if there is something wrong, they’d be better know and getting any required help/assistance now, rather than maybe later in life when it could be worse. I don’t know. If anyone has any advice or help, I would be most grateful. At the moment I am veering to I am going to have to give up and walk away, but my head is all over the place with this. Even if anyone might be able to point me in the direction of someone I could discuss this with myself.

Thank you.