Autistic stepson

Hi - looking for any advice out there on what to do! My eldest stepson was diagnosed with Aytipical Autism as a teenager - he managed school until his A levels when he dropped out at 17.Since then he's become more and more reclusive - he's now 23 - rarely leaves the house ,no friends ,interests(fiercely preachy vegan but thats a  llfestyle not an interest) - he's now completely cut off his family - won't even acknowledge his brothers - turns his back on his mum and stands in the corner if she tries to talk to him.He's always refused point blank any help - councilling or medication.Basically he shuts himself away in his room(annexed to the house) - sleeps in the day , comes in and eats when he knows the household is asleep.His mum still cooks for him - sometimes he eats it sometimes throws it in the bin - dumps his washing in the basket.Last time he spoke to any of us he basically said he hates life,hates living with other people ,doesn't see the point in anything.His only contact with the outside world is the internet - who knows what he reads.He has self harmed in the past but we dont feel he is suicidal.His mum has a history of depression - this year as a direct result of her eldests downturn she is particularly bad - i guess thats'why i've come on here - a summer of running my business,cooking,cleaning ,shopping,feeding 5 (21 year old lazy brother,12 year old stepbrother) people on my wage and generally trying to prop up my partner has taken its' toll, i'm always aware of the effect the situation has on the other kids,especially my 12 year old.This sounds really awful when you write it down ! Being a practical  bloke i find the situation incredibly frustrating as i cant just fix it.I need to feel that there is some kind of positive future for our eldest - and that in turn would change his mums life dramatically.How do you help someone who refuses help? 

  • All it takes is one little spark and until it happens we often can't predict what it will be. One thing about this forum is that I've gone from knowing only 2 other autistic people to knowing many more. It's lovely to be part of the majority for a change in this online community! 

    When I was at my GP last week I noticed they have a new service whereby you can email a GP. Obviously that is only going to work if your stepson decides he wants to accept help. If your GP does offer this it might be worth asking them to let him know. 

    My rescue dog has gone from being nervous and shy to super-demanding. It is lovely to see her wagging her tail at last though! 

  • Hi - thank you so much for your kind reply - i really do appreciate it.It's very helpful to hear from someone with personal experience .The vegan thing is an odd one - although our son chooses this lifestyle - he's actually said in the past that he finds nature cruel,we're fortunate to live on the edge of woodland in a rural area ,and although we can step out the door into trees and fields he struggles with the concept of a food chain - birds eating insects eating plants etc.but yes,i have suggested joining an online community may help.We have been down the CAMHS and GP route in the past - at one point we even managed to get home visits as our son wont leave the house,but after several refusals' to see her the GP had to reluctantly give up due to limited time/resources.You mention having low days,in the past our son would almost always come out and talk to his cousin (who lives abroad) but upon their visit this summer he refused to answer his door - the first time he's done this to his favourite cousin.Its almost like he's struggling with the concept of his younger brother and cousins all growing up,getting girlfriends/boyfriends/jobs and leaving him behind? As for the pet - yes we've always had a dog- the current one is a rescue dog - maybe it wasn't the brightest thing i've ever done bringing a mixed up /unwanted crazy mutt into the house but my youngest son bonded with him and the dog is good natured at heart - however he doesn't get our eldests moods- and our eldest son doesn't get him.The dog can sense when he's stressed/on edge and so barks at him - he cant take the noise and has on occasion kicked out at the dog- making the situation worse.On other occasions in the past when his mood was good i've seen son and dog playing tug of war in the yard having a great time - its so unpredictable! I'm just hoping some little spark will help him as you say "see the wood for the trees" - this in turn would lift his mum's depression.Best wishes to you too - thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

  • It's a tough question to answer which is why I have been thinking about it for a while. I was a horrible teenager - rude, thoughtless, untidy. One of my mum's friends took me on one side and gave me a right telling off about borrowing my mum's clothes without asking and ruining them. I was shocked but it didn't change my behaviour. 

    Problem was if my parents tried to speak to me about anything I just thought they were ridiculous and stupid (sorry!). I shut myself in my room and refused to eat so my mum would come and beg me to have something. I preferred going down in the night with no one around. 

    As he is vegan I wonder if one of your stepson's imterests might be animal welfare? There are lots of online groups for this. He might also find joining this online community helpful. Autism often feels totally different from the inside than it seems from the outside. It might reassure him to discover he's not so different here. 

    When I am having a low energy day the only thing that drags me up is my dog needing to be walked. Having to look after her does me good. She's very anxious and soothing her seems to soothe me. A dog might not be practical but pets can be many different species! 

    My other thought is whether there is someone slightly apart from the immediate family your stepson might find it easier to talk to. I felt very ashamed at times of not really being able to sort my life out. It can be easier to talk to someone at a distance. 

    You say your step-son has self-harmed in the past and feels life is pointless. It is often difficult to know exactly what is going on and why. If it were my son I think I might talk to my GP so that they are aware of his low mood.

    Contrary to popular perceptions of autism many of us are highly sensitive. Your stepson may be aware of the strain you and your wife are under. It's important to try and make sure your own needs are met, which is difficult when you are looking after everyone else in the family.

    There are local carers' organisations who advise and support people in situations like this. It often helps just to talk to someone in confidence. They may also be able to help you identify solutions. GPs will make a referral if you ask them to. I've found it very helpful myself - they helped me to see the wood for the trees and gave me free massage sessions which helped with the stress

    Very best wishes 

  • Hi - thanks for your kind message - i recognise many of the behaviour patterns on your help page - and i do kind of get the reasons our son acts the way he does - however he's really got himself stuck in a rut - and i don't believe its' where he wants to be - how we get him to accept some help i don't know - thanks anyway

  • Hi NAS49713,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time, and I just wanted to flag a couple of things which might help for you to consider.  

    We have a page on our website that centres around challenging behaviour and includes possible causes as well as strategies and interventions which you might find helpful: https://www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/challenging-behaviour.aspx

    You may also like to contact our Autism Helpline team for further advise and information. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm).  The Helpline is often very busy, so it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.

    Kind regards,

    Kerri-Mod