Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, everyone
I'm a 36 yo woman waiting for an assessment. I am very shy, I would say even more on the internet so forgive me if I don’t participate actively.
Your community seems welcoming and there are lots of interesting people and point of views to discover. And you seem to be so considerate, much more than what I am usually accustomed, it looks like a safe place :)
The short version is that I’ve discovered recently about women with Asperger and it was the first time that I could connect with what these women were experiencing, at different levels. The main difference is that I am really disorganized and that I think I’m good with non-verbal signals.
All tests I took online put me on the spectrum (aspie quiz; autism quotient, RAADS, etc.), except the one with the eyes, mainly dealt through deduction.
You can stop reading now if you don’t want to go through my hundreds pages of self-assessment (I feel like I’m allowing you when you might have already hit the back button...)
I think I have no difficulty reading body language. It was part of what I wanted to understand as a child, so that nobody would be able to lie to me (I was so naive). I spend my time observing others and end up being pretty good at spotting typical behaviours.
I'm a lame detective because I’m still baffled to learn aftermath that some people lied, though, and I tend to think everything's transparent. I never took it as a particular issue as everybody can be deceived and as I thought that, if there is a need for documentaries and books about body language, it’s because it was not that obvious anyway. What do you think? I would be really interested to know how you guys experience it.
About bluntness, I’ve never had any issues with it. As a little girl, I lied or just shut my mouth. I was bullied both at school and at home so it was difficult to understand that I had some value. Most of all, I wanted to please, to appease, to be accepted. Now that I’ve learned to express myself a bit (thanks to my recent friends), I find it really difficult to lie. Truth is too important. Some of my friends have been hurt by the way I’ve said things – I could see it was not the answer they were expecting - but globally, people are ok with the truth and I might have a good way to present things.
I hate to say hello, I just never know which tone I have to take, same thing for “thank you”s. I never know how much I should thank a person, exactly when, which tone to adopt. I can look someone in the eyes, face to face, but if I really have to listen, I’ll have to look somewhere else. I feel uncomfortable meeting someone’s eyes in the streets, in a hall, in the middle of an action. So I walk like a car exploded behind me and any occasion to wear sunglasses is good.
I overthink everything in my behavior, in the message I’m sending to others. It’s getting ridiculous because it’s to the point that it becomes automatic: someone I don’t know smiles on the streets about a random reason, and I’ll smile too. I'm aware of the paradox.
I struggle with innuendos, I tend to take things literally. One example is when years ago my boss asked if I wanted to do more hours. What kind of crazy person would love to work more? It took me days to understand that she was talking about a full time job hence more money…
I get jokes. Humor is my main way of communicating. I struggle when I have to approach serious or personal subjects. On the latter matter, I am unable to put words on what I feel, how I feel. It’s incredibly frustrating. The best way for me to explain it to my friends is when I take the time to process everything and then write it. Sometimes, they rush me with questions but it makes me really anxious and I get defensive, the pace of my speech gets faster, the voice high-pitched.
I don’t like being touched. It doesn’t hurt me but I’m shaking violently and if the touch is light, I am too aware of the contact. I’ve been so resilient my whole life that I don’t react, I don’t reject but I hate it. Paradoxically, I love hugs, with pressure, but only from people I trust.
I’m a funny and kind colleague but I’m afraid of getting too close to people as they might discover the real me. I’m not good at small talk but the illusion is ok with me being able to play goof.
I lose all my means when there are more than 2 people with me. I then get really quiet. I avoid parties at the max; too much noise and stimulation; I kind of put myself in an automatic mode. On the topic of sensory issues, I am very sensitive to sounds, smells (oh that one…), and lights. I don’t know about you, I haven’t seen it anywhere else but I also crave for certain sounds, smells and colours.
My hands are never at rest. Anxiety is my middle name. I work in a social department and my GP thought this fact was actually showing that I was not autistic (+ a PTSD) but what he doesn’t know is that it drains me and that in my field, we are mainly dealing through emails. I have more and more “tantrums” and I don’t know if these can be called meltdowns. An object falls or doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to work, a change happens, a train is late etc. and this burst of anger happens. Only when I’m alone, though: due to family context, I just learned to hide it. Outside, I struggle to contain it.
I’m constantly exhausted and the rare interactions that I allowed in my life, I had to cut them even shorter. On the week-ends, I feel the need to cut myself from the rest of the world. I do not feel depressed, just tired and – as someone here said – in a permanent turmoil since I’ve learned about women with Asperger.
I’ve never established routines consciously. They just impose themselves, if I may say. They are few but important. For example, I feel uncomfortable changing my path and I like to go to the same places, eat the same dishes, doing shopping the same day at the same places, delivery on Fridays etc. I like habits.
I can’t share my personal space with anyone, I can’t travel if it’s not under my conditions, which led me to turn down many opportunities (I had to pretend I financially couldn’t).
Oh and one thing that had confused me for so many years: I weirdly smiled when someone was telling me something sad. I felt so horrible about that, really. I thought I might be unconsciously a horrible person. I’ve read it was possible for people with autism.
As a child, I could easily be obsessive about something to the point it was making me uncomfortable and a bit “crazy”. I am very careful now but I still tend to obsess over things and feel the need to know and learn. Right now, my main focus is autism and it’s difficult to share my time for other things (except tv shows and video games). I have to restrain myself from getting too obsessed. Before that, it was politics (on Twitter, mind you. But because there are very well educated people with interesting point of views and analysis and proposing other sources of information). I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, still can’t, and that’s not appropriate in the work place. I can’t understand why it’s not more important.
There are many other things (empathy, etc.) but I’ll stop now. Thank you very much if you had the courage to read everything. I’m certain there are mistakes, sorry. I’m French, I don’t know if it can be an excuse :D
Now, I’ve not written all of this so that the topic can be just about me. Please please, share with me your experiences, your views. I’m always doubting, not knowing where I belong exactly so I’m sure your stories will be nothing but interesting and helping.
All the best to you!
Hi Minzel and welcome to the forum. I enjoyed reading your post and can related to it in many ways. I am 33 years old and suspect I have ASC but have not yet sought a diagnosis. I started reading about it all a couple of years ago and it resonates with me and has helped me manage my life better now I can identify things within myself. I have posted about this on other threads.
Being blunt. I think you hit the nail on the head there when you said it's not what you say but the way you say it. I think this is me too.
Yes I overthink everything in my behaviour too. This is most often an automatic thing. There's also analysis after the event.
I love jokes. I absolutely love playing on words. (e.g. the song "two can play that game by bobby brown I imagine as "toucan! play that game!" I do think I'm a bit slow on the uptake with things sometimes and this tends to be when I'm in group situations. I think it's cos my energies are focused on trying to fit in etc that I miss things.
You mention about the pace of things with your friends. On the occasion that I am in group I can sometimes get lost in the midst of conversation and topics and I don't automatically flow between one topic and the next. So sometimes I haven't realised we have moved on. That becomes frustrating cos I'm trying to work out what we are now talking about but trying to fit in without looking stupid.
You talk about paradoxes a lot. I can related to this. Example. I can manage well on a 1:1 basis but the thought of being left in a 1:1 situation often scares me as the onus is all on me (and, well, the other person I suppose too but when you struggle with conversation it can be more obvious). Another 2 or 3 people is best. I think 4 is the golden number for socailising. I can sit and observe or join in when I like. It's fairly easy to follow the topics and there's opportunity for some 1:1 interaction without as much pressure. I am always self conscious when I have to explain or talk about something to more than 1 person when all eyes are on me. I hate it. Even if it's round the dinner table with family. Or if I am explaining to one person but other people can hear or listen in. (However when I in class teaching my students this all goes out the window as I know my role and feel comfortable about what I'm talking about). It's if I have to "go in cold" when I struggle. I've realised I need time to prepare what I want to say. Also, I realised when I was about 16 that I don't "expand" enough when people ask me a question so have learned to give more information or quite often I'll just turn it around to them "so what about you?". I think this is cos I don't feel comfortable waffling on about myself. (My other half would probably say different though so again it depends on the context!) I hate the question "so what have you been up to?" I used to joke with an old colleague about this "I never know what to say!". It's too vague and I need time to think seeing as I've been up to a heck of a lot since I last saw you and it depends what detail you want!
I struggle with the online tests. The first time I took one I got in the range of a likelihood having ASC but not definitive. The one about emotions and expressions I scored well above the average NT score. When I first started reading about ASC and body language and eye contact I thought I didn;t have any problems. However, as I have started to become more aware of it I can see how I might have problems. I know that I do find eye contact uncomfortable some of the time and it depends who it's with and in what context. I know that sometimes if someone tells me something I can't work out if they're having me on or being genuine. I have been able to identify when I have missed some cues and I think these were when I was in a relatively stressful situation. I remember one time I was just completely clueless. When you get a question like "Can you read people easily?" well how do I know?? Shouldn't they be asking the other person? I think your point of the powers of deduction are a valid and interesting point which I haven't thought about before. In saying this it shows the process for your is cognitive rather than intuitive.
You don't want to get too close to others. I feel I can relate to this. I am well respected at work but enjoy being on the periphery.
I think you've also hit the nail on the head when you said about habits rather than routines. Routines are more habits that have just found their way into my life and I've never really had any cause for them to be disrupted. I can think of a few examples when they have changed and I have found it difficult. I can't explain why. When I say "found it difficult" i mean caused me anxiety. e.g. travelling a new way to work after moving house, moving house itself, going to a different supermarket (a busier, smaller one, with everything in a different order). This is one of the reasons why I have been thinking a lot about whether to have children or not as habits and routines have to change.Another was that our new place is a different aspect to the old one. So the light comes in differently and the window is on a different side to the bed. I think even a year later I'm still adjusting but now we have been here almost a year I have seen the house through all the wonderful seasons and weather so know what to expect now. (I remember on our moving day I really didn't want to move even though it was to a better place. The whole anxiety of it made me feel sick. I distracted myself by listening to TedX talks about intelligence in dolphins as that was my hot topic of the moment. Is that really what a "normal" person would do???)
RE obssessions. I am not sure, but I feel I can identify with this. I think researching about Autism in Women is one of them!!! I do feel that I read about it more when I am more stressed because things "come out" of me more and I want to try and understand it more.
I would love to hear more about other traits you feel you have.
I'm sorry if this is long and ive gone a bit off piste. I'm not sure that I want to go through with the stress of a diagnosis although I can see where a lot of my anxieties have come from.
I would also like to add that when I started learning about teaching foreign languages 6 years ago, there is something called a "spiky profile" where the student has better reading ability than, say, writing in the foreign language. I then realised I had this spiky profile myself. I have always been able to put my feelings and thoughts down in the written form better than orally. Since reading Sarah Hendrickx this is something she has mentioned about people with autism.