Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m mum of an 18 year old young man suffering from HFASD. I work long hours, and my partner (not his dad) is my sons registered carer as he has taken early retirement. My partner insisted that my son did simple chores like bringing in the cat food tins once weekly for the binmen, emptying the house bins when they were full and filling and emptying the dishwasher daily. My son is now on strike and, refusing to do anything at all about the house. He also stopped working/ attend No college for his BTEC 3, so failed it which was demoralising for him. He has refused to start a different, easier course online or at college. He also does not want to apply for a job until he can drive (he is having driving lessons once weekly but also has dyspraxia is is uncoordinated, unable to judge distances and makes erratic decisions. I’ve advised him he needs to sign on for ESA with the government to receive his pension contributions for when he’s older so that he can receive a state pension, so he has just now grudgingly allowed me to apply for ESA now (his course finished 3 months ago. Home is uncomfortable because my partner is angry with my son for not helping around the house as he is now doing most of the work. He no longer does my sons ironing and refuses to drive him 30 miles to visit his only friend, but still cooks his meals otherwise I would do it when I got home from work (I’m doing the bins, dishwasher and cat tins now). Personally I don’t think this is worth arguing about as I feel a happy home life is more important than having a few chores done. My partner says I cow tow to my son. I believe I am accommodating to both my son and my partner, and my partner’s tone of voice and behaviour is significantly different with my son compared to his own offspring. I understand that my partner feels marginalised and angry too. This is difficult for me as I want a peaceful life. Do your ASD children do chores, and if so, how much do they do? My son doing the dishwasher takes an hour due to his dyspraxia when I can do it in a few minutes, the tins and bins roughly ten minutes each. Is it really worth the friction when I can do it so much faster? Sad.com.
You want a peaceful life. You are working yourself to death, you have to ask yourself why? Do you have to for the money your family needs to live on? .Do you enjoy your job are of the questions you have to ask yourself, if you are an employee there are trade offs, you can get out of the house and meet others, you have a presumably regular job, that is very useful for staying sane.
Your Partner you say has taken early retirement, some people can afford to do this, and good luck. You say he is your son's registered Carer, That is presumably for Carers Allowance, and the National Insurance Credits that go with it. possibly Whatever tax allowance went with your son and other children so that he avoids having to sign on at the Job centre, otherwise he will have to make National Insurance Payments in order to get his OAP pension at the age of 65 or whenever. He maybe is probably regretting the regular hours, meeting others, that his previous employment gave. I don't know when the boredom of being stuck as a "house husband" ironing set in. Your Partner needs to get signed on for a Job. and get out of the house. I don't know about the ages of your other children.of your family and what is involved in dealing with them. if your partner became active again. School, Doctor whatever. It Takes two to tango.
Your son, He is obviously from your description Like any other 18 year old and desperately wanting to grow up, as he is now legally an adult. He too needs to get employment for his own sanity, and his handicap is unfortunately going to prevent him. He has to apply for the ESA as you have said. Now his handicap may make it difficult for him to actually have to attend personally.at Job centres. He needs help from the Local Authority Adult Services. This should be His First point of Contact. He may need a carer with him on a bus, doubtful as he is trying to drive. They may also be able to house him eventually in supervised accommodation.
You say he is learning to drive a car! I find this unwise if you say he is erratic and is spatially handicapped in judging distance, he will be find it difficult to get insured, and will be a danger to others. Of Course I don't Know. I suggest he applies for a disabled Bus Pass if he is so disabled. Also for a fee a similar one is available for rail. He should be able to travel to see his friends. does he have to be supervised?
The Cat/s maybe it is the tins are upsetting.and resented being autistic, try packets for a different bin.
Surely for a family working together, its quicker and easier to wash up in a bowl as you use stuff. We gave up on dishwashers 40 years ago. As a more active family with all three of you looking for work except for weekends your meals will have to be quicker and faster.\\\\
As a Family you obviously need help, Professionally, for your partner to become employed, You to do less and for your son to consider his limitations and get advice on this website. There will be others who will be able to know exactly how he is coping with his disability.and advise better than I can as a Parent Carer.
Good luck.