I'm new, boyfriend has autism, want advice

Welcome to the forum.

I'm an autistic man, and I have to be honest, pretty hopeless at relationships; you're certainly right that we can often find them "confusing"! So firstly, it's really good of you to try to find out more, and this is just the place to do that. When I think of some of the problems that I've had with relationships, there are a few things which stand out...

• Don't assume that he knows how you feel. The trouble is that when we look at and listen to other people, their tone of voice, eye-contact and body-language don't automatically tell us very much about how the other person feels. We do care about how other people feel, but when we can't tell, it's very hard for us to know what to do or say. So, if you're in a particular mood, or have even the slightest concerns about where the relationship is going, and he doesn't seem to be reacting as you'd expect, you may need to have a chat where you make your feelings clear in very straight-forward words; hinting and flirting can very easily go straight over our heads.
• Don't assume that he knows how he feels. Sometimes autistic people get very confused by their own emotions, especially ones that they're not used to feeling. It's not that we're all robots with no feelings, it's just that we can find emotions very hard to put a name to, or that it takes a while for them to sink in properly, so they don't show on the outside like they do for other people. So, if he says that he doesn't know how something makes him feel, don't assume that he's trying to hide something or doesn't care. Sometimes, you might have to give him a bit of time and space to let the emotions sink in, or even help him to work them out by pointing out parts of his behaviour that might give him some clues (I know it sounds weird, but people who know me well can sometimes tell what I'm feeling long before I know it myself!)
• He may need more time alone than you expect. For an autistic person, dealing with the non-autistic world can be really hard work. It massively tires our brain out, and can even make parts of our brain just switch off (I can sometimes become unable to speak or understand other people's words, for example.) The only way to recover from this is lots of rest in a very quiet place, and we often need to completely avoid talking to people at these times. We're not trying to avoid any person in particular, just the world in general. Besides making a bit of an allowance for this, encourage him to be open with you about the things which tire his brain out. A few small adjustments to your dates etc. could make things a lot easier for him; for example, less time in places where there are crowds, or even just going home early sometimes because he's starting to struggle a bit - that's a lot better for both of you than letting it get to the point where he just has to shut down.
• Sensory sensitivities and intimacy. This might be a delicate subject, and I don't know how old you both are, so my apologies if this isn't appropriate. The experiences of intimacy and sex can be very overwhelming for an autistic person, especially if we don't have much experience. Even gentle physical touches can be extremely intense for some of us, and might take some time for us to get used to before we can experience how pleasurable they can be. It can also mean that we have a lot harder time appreciating how things feel for our partner, or judging what kind of intimacy is or isn't appropriate (including what we're allowed to do if we're in public rather than alone.) You might find that he's reluctant to be the one who offers intimacy, and always waits for you to get things started; but this is often because of anxiety about doing the right thing, not lack of desire for our partner. You need to be sure that each of you is clear about what you do and don't like, and how much you're comfortable being cuddly with each other when you're around other people. This, of course, is true of any relationship, but again, you may need to be quite explicit rather than assuming he'll pick up on hints or flirting.
• You can help him with his autistic traits, but you can't fix him. The suggestions above can help him to be more comfortable in the relationship, and help him to overcome any anxiety that he has about showing his affection and talking about his feelings. However, you must accept totally that autism is a life-long condition, and it's wired into our brains. His autistic traits are something that you both have to deal with for as long as you are together. You must be honest with yourself and with him, if his autistic behaviour is making you uncomfortable or if you are feeling unfulfilled in some way. Don't just hang in there hoping that problems will just sort themselves out, talk to him very directly and honestly about them (as I said before, he may not have any other way to know if things are going wrong.)

Autism can add extra difficulties to a relationship. Don't ever forget that a relationship must be satisfying for both partners. If you feel that his autistic behaviours leave you feeling unappreciated, unfulfilled, or even lonely, there is no shame in this; you shouldn't ever feel that you should feel guilty or suppress your genuine feelings. You must be honest and get talking about it if you feel that he is using his autism as an excuse to have everything his own way, or if he treats you more like his Mum or a cuddly-toy than as a partner (being autistic doesn't automatically make us saints!) If you ever feel that things really aren't working out, try to make a clean break, and don't feel that you must force yourself to hang around because you're part of his "autism support". However, relationships between autistic and non-autistic people can work very well if both sides learn to communicate well; I have spoken to quite a few who ended up getting married and have wonderful lives together!

Best wishes for both of you!

Great advice.

Great advice.