If you strongly suspect that somebody you know has Asperger syndrome, do you tell them what you think or not?

Hi, 

My name is John Gaffen, I don't have Autism, but I very strongly suspect that  someone I know very well, has undiagnosed  Asperger's Syndrome. This person was married to my sister, who sadly passed away back in April of this year.  He has all the classic  characteristics of this syndrome and has even mentioned to me directly that he has no real friends.  I have known this person for many years and  it has been extremely difficult  sometimes to  get along with my brother-in-law.  This person is  now in his  70's,  he has a very high IQ,  but his social interactions can be very awkward and one sided. He gets very focused on very narrow  areas of interest and or conversations and finds it difficult  to empathize with other people at times. He uses his considerable intelligence to try and navigate around some of these issues, but not always successfully. 

My question is 1). Should  I tell him what I think, that he probably has Aspergers,   2). If so, how should I approach or  I go about doing this  3). What other advice should I offer to him if I go ahead and tell him?

This is a difficult one, as I am worried about doing more harm than good.  

Parents
  • I would say that a crucial factor is this; is your brother-in-law himself at all concerned that his behaviour has negative consequences? If he's happy in himself to tick along as he always has, then it's less likely that he'll consider the suggestion useful or informative. If, on the other hand, he has intimated that he has unanswered questions about his social relationships, and he's concerned to know why, then it might be worth asking him if he has ever considered an underlying condition. His general disposition towards mental health may play a big part in this, too; it's something you'd be unlikely to get through to someone who sees "just pull your sock up" as a panacea for poor mental health, which is a very common attitude generally, and more so for people of his generation, in my experience.

    The big problem if you do suggest it, is that most people have very little idea what autism really is; even if they know about it and are sympathetic, they often have a lot of prejudices and misunderstandings about it. So, to justify the suggestion may involve an awful lot of explanation about what exactly autism is and how it fits his behaviour; something you may not get the chance to do if he rejects the initial suggestion. Another aspect of this problem is that there are very few autistic behaviours which couldn't have other explanations, and people can become very comfortable with their existing rationalisations for their behaviour (this is partly why I had never considered it in the forty-odd years before my diagnosis.)

    I have mentioned my suspicions once before to somebody, with some success. However, this is a person who has always enjoyed long, deep conversations about psychology, has a long history of mental health problems, already understood that there may be an underlying cause and is desperate to know what it is, and who's descriptions of the inner working of their mind tally very closely with my own (I never have to explain for long when describing my own autistic traits - he seems to implicitly understand them.)

Reply
  • I would say that a crucial factor is this; is your brother-in-law himself at all concerned that his behaviour has negative consequences? If he's happy in himself to tick along as he always has, then it's less likely that he'll consider the suggestion useful or informative. If, on the other hand, he has intimated that he has unanswered questions about his social relationships, and he's concerned to know why, then it might be worth asking him if he has ever considered an underlying condition. His general disposition towards mental health may play a big part in this, too; it's something you'd be unlikely to get through to someone who sees "just pull your sock up" as a panacea for poor mental health, which is a very common attitude generally, and more so for people of his generation, in my experience.

    The big problem if you do suggest it, is that most people have very little idea what autism really is; even if they know about it and are sympathetic, they often have a lot of prejudices and misunderstandings about it. So, to justify the suggestion may involve an awful lot of explanation about what exactly autism is and how it fits his behaviour; something you may not get the chance to do if he rejects the initial suggestion. Another aspect of this problem is that there are very few autistic behaviours which couldn't have other explanations, and people can become very comfortable with their existing rationalisations for their behaviour (this is partly why I had never considered it in the forty-odd years before my diagnosis.)

    I have mentioned my suspicions once before to somebody, with some success. However, this is a person who has always enjoyed long, deep conversations about psychology, has a long history of mental health problems, already understood that there may be an underlying cause and is desperate to know what it is, and who's descriptions of the inner working of their mind tally very closely with my own (I never have to explain for long when describing my own autistic traits - he seems to implicitly understand them.)

Children
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