An Introduction

Hi I'm a twenty-eight year old graduate coming to terms with (hence the user name) with the fact I have autism, and have since the age of eight. Due to various circumstances I can't remember being diagnosed and it has been kept from me by my parents and family, who feared me having another label placed on me. I say another label because I also have dyspraxia and dyscalculia, both diagnosed at the age of four. 

The circumstances surrounding my diagnosis have only just recently come to light in the past week or so. It was thought by the directors at my voluntary placement that I might have autistic traits, and they discussed this with me. I quite honestly agreed as I have always thought the same, but was never able to put a name to it. So, I went to my GP on another routine matter, and asked if I could be tested for autism. He looked through my records, and said it wouldn't be necessary as I had been diagnosed at the age of eight. As I have said previously, I have no recollection of this, so it came as something of a shock, even if I had always suspected it.

Since then I've had mixed feelings, part relief that I can finally put a name to some of the behaviours I have experienced, part fear of how people would react and I think I'm quite angry too, at my parents and family for keeping it from me, and myself. Anger at myself for not recognising or doing something about it earlier, for some of the things I have done, for being the way I am.

I must admit I have been isolating myself ever since from my family, friends and colleauges, I can't explain why. I have only told a few people, mainly at my voluntary placement, the directors who I had the inital discussion with, and three other colleauges. One of the directors has told two of the colleauges I mentioned at my request, and I told the other colleauge myself today. All concerned have been very understanding, especially one of the ladies who has a son with autism. But I can't help but think they will see me differently, not quite the same person I was before.

As for signs and symptoms, which is perhaps the wrong term, I'm not quite sure what classifies me as autistic, apart from the fact I'm not brilliant at small talk, struggle to read facial expressions and body language, and have certain behaviours when I become anxious such as pacing. I recognise now that some of the emotional outbursts I have had in the past might well be classed as meltdowns, but that's about all I recognise. 

I think it is harder for me to recognise them because I have only found recently that I was ever diagnosed, and have difficulty percieving what's in my character and personality and what is the autism.

I suspect I'm still coming to terms with the diagnosis and will be for some time, but at least I can put a name to it now.

On a lighter note, I have many varied interests including the study of history, mainly the First World War and American political history, a throwback to my days studying for my History degree. I also like to read a variety of books, write creatively and have recently taken up knitting, which I thought was no mean feat for a dyspraxic, and would never have got there without the support of my friends.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to talking with you all.

  • Hello and welcome!

    difficulty percieving what's in my character and personality and what is the autism.

    This is an awkward thing I still go through myself at times. A wise woman once told me "I have Autism, Autism doesn't have me". You can't lose your identity. You are still you. A diagnosis is a good time to recognise the things that are obstacles and work on managing them. It's not a good time to re-evaluate who we are. You are still you. Don't second guess who you are, you have no reason to. Autism isn't a separate part of us. Oh I just read Emma's comment and she's covered it well.

    I'd just add don't feel like you are now an "other", you are as much a part of the world as anyone else. I think doing this can make you feel alienated.

    Again welcome!

  • Welcome to the forum, ComingToTerms.

    Well, wow, that must have been a shock!

    I can understand how angry you feel about it; to have been needlessly in that limbo of 'pre-diagnosis' for all these years, knowing you were different but not why when you could have had the answer all along.
    Please try not to direct that anger towards yourself though. It's not your fault you didn't realise- one of my friends has only just been able to put the name to his own autistic traits and he's in his 40s, it's not uncommon- and it's absolutely not anyone's 'fault' you are the way you are. The way you are is brilliant; from your hobbies I can see you're creative, academically bright and determined (you must have been to learn to knit despite knowing you might struggle due to dyspraxia).

    If I could give you any advice it would be to try not to pick apart "what's in [your] character and personality and what is the autism"; they're one and the same and trying to separate them, in my experience, isn't exactly helpful in terms of self-knowledge and acceptance.
    You've always been autistic, even though you didn't know it, and the way you were diagnosed is further proof of that than most of us have!

    Again, welcome Smiley

    Emma x