Hi everyone! I am a 41-year-old female and I have spent pretty much all of my life feeling alienated from society and not fitting in. About a year ago I saw a film, Max and Mary, about a little girl who became friends with a man with Asperger's. Out of curiosity I googled Asperger's and found that many of the difficulties which I've encountered through my life can be explained or linked to autism. I also score quite high on online Asperger's tests. The final straw came a month ago when I was told that my contract at work would not be renewed and the reason I was given for this was rather vague and unspecific. When I questioned one of my colleagues she said that she thought it was because I didn't fit in.
I'm convinced that I'm on the spectrum and I've been toying with the idea of seeking a professional diagnosis for some time, but I'm not sure because from what I've read on this and other forums adults seeking diagnosis aren't always taken seriously.
Some of the problems I have are:
I have always found it difficult to make and keep friends. When I do, it's one at a time. Two's company and three's a crowd. The ones I have had, especially at school, tended to be people on the fringes because the others formed cliques which wouldn't have anything to do with me because I was a bit wierd and uncool and so they rejected me.
It is difficult for me to take part in a discussion between more than about two other people because I'm slow to respond. It takes a bit longer for what the other person said to register in my mind and for me to come up with a response. By the time I've thought of what I want to say, someone else in the group has already responded, the discussion moves on and I'm no longer able to say what I want to say. Sometimes I hear something which interests me, I run it through my mind and want to continue with it but the discussion has already moved on. So mostly I just sit there, say nothing and people think I'm uninterested or very shy. I listen to the conversation but it often goes too fast for me to process. I feel disconnected and it's just like watching TV. I know I must concentrate to follow the discussion but I find it difficult to maintain concentation and sooner or later my mind will start to wander. I have a limit of about two hours after which I'll find some excuse to leave or take a walk, which helps me a lot to digest the information from the discussion.
In most social situations I'm ok as long as I can stick to the script. But if anyone says anything unexpected or I'm in a new situation, it throws me completely and I need time to think about what the appropiate response would be and this delay confuses people. I know I sound awkward and sometimes I say something slightly inappropiate and I can unintentionally offend people. I often overexplain things or go on about something too long in order to prove my point and people become impatient with me.
Small talk has always been an issue for me. In my early teens I noticed that my classmates would say "hi, how are you" to me, and then spend the rest of the day ignoring me. I came to see this as hypocritical, began to hate small talk and avoid it at all cost, including in my family. I guess people considered me aloof, unfriendly or just plain wierd. As I got older and more mature I realised that I must engage in small talk if I want to make friends and I've got a lot better at this though I still have to restrain myself from giving honest answers to the question "how are you?"
In my first year of primary school I got bullied. They would stand in a circle around my and chant "why" because once when I was teased I shouted at them "Why me?" Then I moved school and it stopped for some reason, though I was considered gullible and easy to wind, teased and ostracised. As a result I have very low self confidence. At school I prefered to stay in the library rather than go outside with the other kids.
I used to throw temper tantrums and once even hit a teacher. Even now I react badly to stress and sometimes am physically sick. I don't mind routine changes, but need advance warning to prepare mentally. This helps me to rehearse things in my mind and if I can't do this, I get stressed out. I think this is one of the reasons my contract isn't being renewed at work.
I have frequent mood swings, sometimes I feel depressed and at other times optimistic. When I was 14 years old I went through a period of about 6 months when I didn't want to talk to anyone, neither family nor schoolmates. My parents put this down to puberty but in retrospect I think it was depression.
I have intense likes and dislikes. At school I was into anything to do with science, sci fi and particularly astronomy. I learnt the magnitude of all the brightest stars off by heart, the distance of each planet from the sun, etc. Now I like progressive rock and learning languages. But I prefer to keep my hobbies to myself because I know it bores others if they don't share the same interests and they think I'm wierd if I go on about them. I even try to hide them, mainly because people find it strange, don't see the point of them and will ask me why but I can't explain why. As for dislikes I can't stand smoking and commercials on TV.
I can't tolerate high pitched noises such as whistles, smoke alarms, car alarms, ambulances and small kids screaming.
I can't multitask to save my life. I need to do things one at a time. Once at work someone suggested to me that I should go to the doctor because I didn't seem to be hearing things and might be partially deaf. But what happens is that if I'm listening to one person talking and another person interrupts I'm aware of it but won't hear because I can't deal with two stimuli at once - my mind seems to block out the second stimulus.
When I was 11 years old my class teacher told my parents I was getting behind at school and I needed tuition for maths. My parents took me to a private teacher to whom I didn't respond very well. This teacher said she thought I was autistic and I should see a doctor, so my parents took me to the family doctor. I must have responded to him much better because he said he didn't think I was autistic because I answered his questions and looked him in the eye. It's true that I can make eye contact in most situations but when I'm stressed, emotional or feeling awkward I find it very difficult if not impossible.
It's difficult for me to know what other people are thinking or intending to do. I recognise when someone is happy, sad or angry but miss the more subtle ones. I worry too much about what people are thinking about me, get paranoid and sometimes wrongly accuse people. I get most jokes when I'm expecting it and it's accompanied by a laugh or smile, or I know the person and his or her style of humour well but if it's said seriously or unexpected either I don't get it or don't know how to react. I don't do banter, often don't understand it and it makes me very uncomfortable. However, I understand most idioms and metaphors.
Recognising faces is very difficult for me.
I apologise for the length of this and thank those who have taken the time to read what I have to say. It helps me to share my experiences with people who can relate to them and understand me.
I'm now fairly sure I have an ASD.