Long wait for diagnosis, feeling a bit lost

Hi everyone

My name is James. I'm 33 years old and and have suffered from anxiety, depression and isolation since I was a child.

This year I hit rock bottom and started counselling sessions at a local church as I did not want to pursue medication. My counsellor was interested by my diverse interests and talents and encouraged me to read about autism. I knew absolutely nothing about either autism or Aspergers. I've now read a few different books and have filled in various online tests and am totally sure that I am living with Aspergers. The realisation was very sudden and emotional. I experienced a massive surge in energy and alleviation of guilt for my past failures, e.g. inability to maintain steady jobs or friendships, constant and humiliating social fumblings. This was followed by a crisis of confidence, as it began to sink in that I have quite serious deficits which will never go away. I have been dwelling a lot on my past and experiencing sadness for my child self who was constantly excluded and did not receive any support. It has been very frustrating. 

I visited my GP in March, who has referred me to a psychologist. I have filled out an autism/ADHD screening questionnaire and am now waiting for a formal diagnosis. I am quite worried about the actual diagnosis procedure as I do not really speak to my parents and I have no-one to bring anyone along that knew me as a child. I feel that I require some extra support, as I am half way through a PhD and struggling with my work, not because of technical difficulties, but due to problems with people, loud noises and lack of attention. I also worry what lies ahead once my PhD is through - I'm not sure I'll be able to hold down a steady job, especially not in high level science.

Anyway, that is my story so far. I'd be especially keen to hear from anyone who also works in academia, or has ever considered downgrading their career, despite expectations, to live a simpler life. 

Cheers!

Parents
  • Hi James

    Hello and welcome to the forum. Other people may chip in here, or you might just want to look at some current threads or start your own on a particular topic.

    I kind of went through the curve you describe, although I was very open minded about the official diagnosis. Realisation that being fundamentally different probably explained a lot of the things I did and my depression was liberating, but after that the fact that I don't know what difference the diagnosis really makes, and no particular support means I've had some down times since. I'm older than you, and sad at a lot of missed opportunities regarding career and relationships. I'm glad I tried to take many of the opportunities there were.

    lack of attention

    Wasn't quite sure what you meant here: lack of attention by you, I presume, or lack of attention given to you?

    The question of who to take to the diagnostic sessions comes up a lot here. I didn't take anyone, although perhaps could have. Just describing my own childhood (thinking it wasn't massively abnormal apart from losing a parent) was enough for the assessors. Maybe try to talk to your parents anyway and see if they can help - maybe they'd write something?

    It seems to me there been quite a lot of autistic PhD candidates and scientists on this forum recently (they're just not all yet tagged 'phd' like yours!). I think science would have been a good career for me, but I never made it. Here's just one thread:

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/

    Also people who have simplified their lives.

    Likewise, cheers.

  • Thanks for your reply. To clarify, by lack of attention, I meant difficulty concentrating and completing tasks. 

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