Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello there, just joined tonight. recently diagnosed Autistic and while my diagnosis is no surprise to me I don't know if it will be a help to me at all, unless in terms of giving me personally an explanation of how I am and how I have lived my life so far. I always have never felt quite at ease in my own skin or able to fully connect with other people the way most people do.
My main issue now at this time of life [I'm 38] is in terms of relationships. I have a few friends that have stuck with me and to whom I'm attached and very loyal to, and I don't think I could ever be one of those people that has loads of friends or even that needs that many people, I've always had a few friends and that's fine I don't think I could cope emotionally with the stress of having to keep up with so many other people.
What I'm really struggling to come to terms with is that yes I can have friends, after periods in my life when I had none I now do have a few but relationships are a whole other level of difficulty.
I've been recently putting myself back 'out there' onto dating sites and trying and struggling to find someone that is willing to accept me as I am with all my difficulties and issues and personal circumstances and now it seem with this autism diagnosis I have a whole new label, a new hurdle, a new piece of baggage to ask any potential partner to share the burden of.
I don't feel, or think any differently than I did before my diagnosis but it just means that I, as a very upfront and honest person have to be truthful with someone about my condition.
I have had relationships before but they were always a struggle and having been single for four years now it seems it gets even harder as you get older to get people to understand that these difficulties I have with socialising and connecting with people doesn't mean that I am completely unable to function or that I'm not someone who deserves as much as chance as anyone else.
I'm just rambling now I think but just wanted to introduce myself a little and tell my story - I'm sure a lot of people will relate to the difficulties with forming, or even being given a chance with 'normal' people to see the good qualities beyond their perceived notions of what autism is, and means I everyday life, and that is is a spectrum [I have no idea whereabouts I fit on that even].
Can I only even attempt to form a relationship with another fellow autistic person [is there even that many female autistics around at all?].
Is it worth even trying to meet someone 'normal' and hope for the best?
I don't know, just feeling very sort of at sea without a paddle right now.
This is maybe just me venting and letting off steam for my own sake. For that I apologise.
I'm sure this subject has come up multiple times already.
Very apprehensive about even posting here, it's been a long time since I participated on any online forums and don't really know the lay of the land and who everyone here is yet so please be gentle.
Welcome to the forum. There are lots of women on here and also many people who are struggling regarding relationships, so you are not alone. Just a thought on Emma's suggestion of joining a group of some kind...maybe it would be possible for you to take a friend with you to one? I also really struggle with groups of people, especially if i don't know them yet, but it has helped me in the past to take my sister with me for example.
Thanks for the suggestion. Not really possible to bring someone with me, don't really have a friend that would be able to do that for me, they are either too far away, or unable to face groups of people like that either.
Good idea though, maybe meeting people 'IRL' as the kids say is maybe the way forward, as the online dating thing is pretty depressing, but again in a way that's scarier to me.
It's not just anything to do with autism or being socially anxious it's even more having to like answer the normal kind of questions people ask, about what you do, about work and your life etc, I find that really stressful and invasive, which I know is just people being interested or wanting to get to know you etc but my circumstances aren't great at all, my situation in life by this stage is not where it is for most people, there's a lot of questions that are very awkward and difficult that I can't bear to answer.
Anyway thanks for taking the time to answer.
Oh i know that feeling. I'm always trying to avoid those sort of questions, but as you say unfortunately they are often the first things strangers will ask to try to get to know you. I find it very hard to answer those type of questions because i don't conform to the social norm for my age group. Sometimes if you have some stock phrases prepared and try to say them confidently, you can then ask the other person some questions and get the focus back onto them instead. (This isn't something i've got the hang of yet, more my intention!)
These are the kinds of conversations I love. I honestly adore listening to somebody else talk about their special interest, I do find it calming and there's no effort required on my part, I simply get to enjoy and revel in the massively interesting things we get interested in. And of course I love talking about my special interests, especially when the other person gets as much joy from the conversation as me. When I'm talking to my autistic friends, often times our conversations appear totally random with nothing one person says following on or relating to what another person says and they're so utterly innocent and honest and real and often quite childlike but I love them so much. You can get the cards from this site but make sure you order the right one. I ordered the wrong one by mistake so now have to reorder the correct one but the 'wrong' one turned out to be a pack of similar cards which I'll give to my autism group for anybody who wants one. I could talk to you all day long about my special interests. I know I appear to talk 'at' people but I like the way you put it ~ I'm simply giving an informative lecture, because afterall, that is what I'm doing :-) thanks for that, I like it
That's brilliant. I'd really like it if someone came up to me in a group situation and started telling me about their special interests. I think that would be quite calming as it wouldn't be a conversation exactly, more like an informative lecture. I didn't know those cards existed! Maybe i should get some!
I tell people straight out that I spend hours researching facts about Henry Ford. I’m fascinated by him. I also tell them how I love spending endless hours alone, in my bedroom or that I love going for walks or I might dive straight into a full on speech about my special interest of the moment. Thankfully, I’m organising my life so that I’m no longer in situations where I endure dreary boring nt conversations and now when I talk to them, I’m usually talking ‘at’ them about any one of my special subjects or I’m pointing out a solution for them to a problem they never even knew they had! Lol! They no longer play a significant part in my life and in fact, I’ve just got one of those ‘I’m on the spectrum’ cards and I’ll just whip it out and hand it to people who I simply don’t want to talk to. I’m in my own little world and sometimes it coincides with that of other autistics and I enjoy their company when I’m with them and I enjoy my company when I’m alone.