Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello there, just joined tonight. recently diagnosed Autistic and while my diagnosis is no surprise to me I don't know if it will be a help to me at all, unless in terms of giving me personally an explanation of how I am and how I have lived my life so far. I always have never felt quite at ease in my own skin or able to fully connect with other people the way most people do.
My main issue now at this time of life [I'm 38] is in terms of relationships. I have a few friends that have stuck with me and to whom I'm attached and very loyal to, and I don't think I could ever be one of those people that has loads of friends or even that needs that many people, I've always had a few friends and that's fine I don't think I could cope emotionally with the stress of having to keep up with so many other people.
What I'm really struggling to come to terms with is that yes I can have friends, after periods in my life when I had none I now do have a few but relationships are a whole other level of difficulty.
I've been recently putting myself back 'out there' onto dating sites and trying and struggling to find someone that is willing to accept me as I am with all my difficulties and issues and personal circumstances and now it seem with this autism diagnosis I have a whole new label, a new hurdle, a new piece of baggage to ask any potential partner to share the burden of.
I don't feel, or think any differently than I did before my diagnosis but it just means that I, as a very upfront and honest person have to be truthful with someone about my condition.
I have had relationships before but they were always a struggle and having been single for four years now it seems it gets even harder as you get older to get people to understand that these difficulties I have with socialising and connecting with people doesn't mean that I am completely unable to function or that I'm not someone who deserves as much as chance as anyone else.
I'm just rambling now I think but just wanted to introduce myself a little and tell my story - I'm sure a lot of people will relate to the difficulties with forming, or even being given a chance with 'normal' people to see the good qualities beyond their perceived notions of what autism is, and means I everyday life, and that is is a spectrum [I have no idea whereabouts I fit on that even].
Can I only even attempt to form a relationship with another fellow autistic person [is there even that many female autistics around at all?].
Is it worth even trying to meet someone 'normal' and hope for the best?
I don't know, just feeling very sort of at sea without a paddle right now.
This is maybe just me venting and letting off steam for my own sake. For that I apologise.
I'm sure this subject has come up multiple times already.
Very apprehensive about even posting here, it's been a long time since I participated on any online forums and don't really know the lay of the land and who everyone here is yet so please be gentle.
Autistic women definitely do exist- I'm one of them! So are my grandmother, my (autistic) partner's two sisters and his niece (as a family we are also great anecdotal evidence of autism being hereditary, haha!). We're actually pretty common, contrary to popular belief, but we have a tendency to hide very successfully among non-autistic people; it's only relatively recently that understanding of autism has advanced to the point we've started being noticed/diagnosed anywhere near as often as the boys.Don't limit your options by label by any means, though! There are multiple successful autistic/non-autistic and autistic/autistic relationships in my family alone. Either can work well, it's really a case of the individual personalities involved. No such thing as 'Normal' and all that.
Re. dating sites, I've never felt these a particularly good place to search for a relationship, especially as someone on the spectrum. It's better to get to know people face to face through a shared interest- have you thought about joining some social groups/clubs of some description? I met and got to know my partner of 5 years through an "assorted monthly geeky activity" group and a board gaming group. :P
Joining a group based on an activity you're already interested in takes a LOT of the pressure off. You're not there solely to find a life-partner (which is a pretty massive amount of pressure to put on yourself), you're having fun doing something you enjoy. It helps massively with your confidence around the new people you meet there too and so leads to you making much more positive interactions/impressions. You say you don't want a lot of close friends and I understand that, but you could make some very nice casual acquaintances.
Lastly, I have found that if you're very matter of fact about the whole autism thing and don't let it limit you in your own viewpoint (which I had to really train myself to do, it's not easy when you worry about what people's reactions to it might be) the vast majority of other people will follow your lead and behave the same way.The ones who don't aren't worth associating with, so bonus: you've found an easy good-person-filter! ;)
Wow thanks so much for such a long and thoughtful reply.
I have thought about joining groups and societies and things like that but even without being autistic I'm generally very shy and quiet and suffer also from extremely low self-esteem and general social anxiety. I'm just not good in group situations, even when in theory it should be easier when it's to do with something I'm interested in.
I can't really do casual acquaintances, I just don't really work like that for me, I mean there's people I talk to that aren't friends in work or whatever, but I am kind of scorched earth about things like that, I don't do anything by half.
I know for someone like me dating sites are not ideal and I try not to limit myself by my condition, or any of my other problems and am very accepting of other people, the problem is if that acceptance isn't reciprocated.
Also to be honest the fact that everyone on there in some shape or form is there for a specific reason is helpful, for me personally, I find it very difficult meet people anyway and that confusion between friendship and when you begin to have feelings for someone who is a friend is something I've experienced before and it can be very confusing and heartbreaking when you can't differentiate between someone being friendly and something more has been very painful in my life several times.
I like to know, need to know where I stand, what someones intentions are, what they are wanting out of it too.
Anyway thanks again for such a lovely reply, really appreciate it.
Yeah, that's completely understandable- I can see how knowing exactly where you are with these things helps.The low self esteem/ social anxiety was definitely a problem for me for a long time, too. I actually started doing the groups to force myself not to be that way. Trial by fire and all that! It's definitely not a strategy for everyone!As an extra note on the social anxiety, my brother's not autistic but he has always had massive problems with that (anxiety is another thing that runs in my family) and he's found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) really useful. It might be worth considering for you? Your GP can refer you if you look it up and think it could help. You're welcome, anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for!
Hey thanks for the advice, and can see the idea behind forcing yourself to take part in group things etc and don't get me wrong I do try and be part of whatever is happening around me, I'm not totally socially isolated, just find it hard to feel like I have anything to add to ay particular group/society.
AS for CBT I have been offered that before, and have sought help for those issues but I think by now it's such a part of my identity it's almost too hard to shift, and has given me a really good line in savage self-deprecation.
I always feel like I'm the lowest person in any room I walk into, like an imposter who's about to be found out at any minute so I try and keep my head down and blend in when I need to - stick on 'the mask' [as I've seen other people discuss on here] and hope it doesn't slip too far.
But again thanks and nice chatting to you.