I've hit the wall of despair

Sorry in advance, but this is going to be a fairly pessimistic post.

I've hit that point that I have named 'the wall of despair'.  I've only recently had a diagnosis, so in the past, when I hit this point, I end up circling down a dark hole that is very difficult to climb out of.

My 'ways' as they are often termed, have cost me so much over the years and it has taken a massive toll on my health and well-being at times.  My life has been spent working endlessly to fit in and navigate obstacle after obstacle.  I work hard so that I can have a successful career that helps take away the stresses of paying bills and having a roof over my head, but it all comes at a cost.  I become exhausted, overwhelmed, as well as being physically and mentally burnt out.

Recently I have had to cope with a number of changes and knee jerks at work and I don't know if it is directly related, but all aspects of life just seem totally overwhelming to me.  Every task that needs completing, bill that needs paying, food that needs prepping is one more thing pushing me closer to snapping.  The result is that I am constantly miserable, snappy, over sensitive and constantly fatigued.  My partner, bless him, tolerates it well, but it's not fair on either of us.

Today I reached that point which I try to avoid at all costs.  I am not an emotional person at all and rarely express emotion, however, today the flood gates opened where you go from nothing to feeling everything in full volume pure high definition.  This means my anxiety levels soar, my heart rate rises, I get pains in my chest and am on the verge of tears and the only way I know how to deal with it to stop me having a complete emotional breakdown, is to run away from whatever situation I am in.  As a result, I have walked out of the office today as I couldn't cope with it.

I've reached that point in my life where I am tired of constantly having to go round and round in this pattern.  I am good at my job, but me reacting in this way and making myself ill has cost me one career and I am starting to think I am hanging on to my current one by a thread.  Maybe I am not in-tune with what my body and mind is doing, but I always seem to lose when it comes to preventing hitting this stage.  When I get this bad, I become very emotional over everything, my anxiety levels go crazy and I become depressed.  I have been told countless times that life is tough, but you just have to get on with it, but when you are fighting against something that leaves you broken, how damaged do you have to become before you can fight no more?

The situation I now find myself in is feeling hopeless and vulnerable and I hate not having the answer that will solve it.

Have you had to have similar fights and what do you do to help you put the boxing gloves back on and go back into the ring?

Parents
  • Thank you all for your kind comments.  I needed a bit of space yesterday just to get my head around things.  Last night I convinced myself I would see my GP today, but now I am in two minds about it.  It's like you said QuirkyFriend, it is very hard to ask for help (this is an ongoing problem for me) and when you do ask for help, you don't really know what help you need.  I hate getting that dreaded question from a health professional - "So what do you want me to do for you then?"  Surely if I knew the magic answer to prevent getting in this situation, I would have tackled that myself?

    My biggest problem is I struggle to communicate things verbally, in that I can't talk about my emotions, thoughts etc as I just go mute.  There has only been one time I have managed to open up a bit and that was with a psychotherapist I built trust with over a prolonged period.  When I have multiple episodes, then my speech can disappear completely for a few days or weeks, although I haven't been that bad for a long time now.  I guess I will have to portray what is going on in writing as it's my best way of communicating, but there is the fear of being judged or not believed.  Hopefully, now I have a diagnosis, it will help to alleviate this problem.

    Thank you for suggesting the Maslow's Hierachy as well.  I am building a planner (new special interest) that focuses on self-care as I am not very good at it generally.  I am going to include this as part of my planner as a reference.  I have also been advised to make an emergency box.  Has anyone else created one of these?  It's a box to put soothing relaxing items in that are personal to you, where you refer to it in a  crisis. 

    Thank you for finding the information that will be useful for HR as well.  I can suggest it to see what they say, but I think they are waiting to see how the next 4 weeks play out for me.  The biggest problem is I am good at masking and pretending I am ok, unless I hit the point I did yesterday or the fatigue creeps up on me, which it has been doing.  I haven't tried the NAS helpline, but may consider it in future.  I have to use helplines or call someone before I get to severe as the muted speech issue becomes too much to overcome.

    My partner is helpful in as much as he can be.  He does help with chores and food prep, but he also feels helpless in some ways and I don't help by not being able to communicate how I feel or what is really going on.  I just brush over things or appear to be sulking.

  • Hey Starbuck

    good to hear that you are fighting hard and trying lots of different strategies.....I just worry that it might make you every more worn out. You are such a fighter!

    have you braved making an appointment? I imagine you have a fairly good idea of the structure of the appointment and the questions asked. Are you able to write down the questions and answers and have them to hand just it same you shut down? I take it a phone appointment won't help lesson the stress?

    thinking of you 

Reply
  • Hey Starbuck

    good to hear that you are fighting hard and trying lots of different strategies.....I just worry that it might make you every more worn out. You are such a fighter!

    have you braved making an appointment? I imagine you have a fairly good idea of the structure of the appointment and the questions asked. Are you able to write down the questions and answers and have them to hand just it same you shut down? I take it a phone appointment won't help lesson the stress?

    thinking of you 

Children
  • And a 4th Yayyy Slight smile

    So happy you have had a positive experience with this! I am glad that your diagnosis has carried some weight, as it should do! Its also good to know you can log the letter with your OH, but you still don't have to tell anyone else if you do not want too! And they shouldn't broadcast it out either!

    Hugs and best wishes from everyone I think!

  • Third Yayyyy!!!!

    Now make a careful note of the doctor's name and try to book any follow up with them. I hope it's a doc who's planning to stick around in your community.

    The OH letter is a great idea. If you do decide you want to complain to the OH person's employer and her professional body, I'm happy to outline the process... unfortunately I've had to become good at complaints to get my little family much needed care...

  • I second the yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!  So glad to hear you had a positive experience with the GP, I've had my share of unhelpful and traumatic experiences with various healthcare professionals so know how that feels.

    If communicating by writing is the only way we can express some of how we feel and think, what is wrong with that?  It's the conclusion I'm coming to, it's still hard to open up and be vulnerable but it starts to feel possible to be optimistic.

    I was mute too for a period in my twenties and it was a horrible place to be and it's been looming over me again lately.  With hindsight what I was presenting with then was utterly autistic but I just got the classic 'depression and anxiety' label again. Joining the conversations here when I can is definitely helping and it's really nice to know that we all managed to help you a little.

  • Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Well done for being so brave..it sounds like a good outcome...

    best wishes

    Ellie

  • Well what a day.

    I managed to pluck up the courage to visit the GP and took everyone's advice to print off what I had written here.  It was a new doctor who I hadn't met before, but I manage to explain myself as best as I could without needing written aids.  That's a big improvement for me, so I am pleased with that if nothing else.

    I'm starting to think finally having a diagnosis is paying off as for once I felt like someone was listening to me and I didn't get the usual approach of having medication thrown at me.  I am very hypersensitive to medication so have to be very careful what I take.  The GP didn't think medication was the right approach due to these sensitivities, but instead talking therapies, such as counselling, will help me get over this initial blip so that I can put my strategies back in place and pick myself up again.

    For me that feels like the right choice for the time being and it felt reassuring to have a GP and medical support backing me rather than fighting against me.  My experience with GP's in the past has been awful and traumatising to be honest.

    At the end of the day we are all human and we just want to live our lives as best as we can, it's just that we need a helping hand along the way from time to time when we stumble and fall down.

    The GP kindly offered to put my diagnosis in writing as well so that it can be logged officially in my HR files at work, due to this being questioned by OH.

    Working from home today has helped, if only to have the quiet and lack of constant distractions that are rare in a busy open plan office.

    I just need to keep my positive head on now so I can continue battling on.  Thank you everyone for you help and advice.  Hugging