Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry in advance, but this is going to be a fairly pessimistic post.
I've hit that point that I have named 'the wall of despair'. I've only recently had a diagnosis, so in the past, when I hit this point, I end up circling down a dark hole that is very difficult to climb out of.
My 'ways' as they are often termed, have cost me so much over the years and it has taken a massive toll on my health and well-being at times. My life has been spent working endlessly to fit in and navigate obstacle after obstacle. I work hard so that I can have a successful career that helps take away the stresses of paying bills and having a roof over my head, but it all comes at a cost. I become exhausted, overwhelmed, as well as being physically and mentally burnt out.
Recently I have had to cope with a number of changes and knee jerks at work and I don't know if it is directly related, but all aspects of life just seem totally overwhelming to me. Every task that needs completing, bill that needs paying, food that needs prepping is one more thing pushing me closer to snapping. The result is that I am constantly miserable, snappy, over sensitive and constantly fatigued. My partner, bless him, tolerates it well, but it's not fair on either of us.
Today I reached that point which I try to avoid at all costs. I am not an emotional person at all and rarely express emotion, however, today the flood gates opened where you go from nothing to feeling everything in full volume pure high definition. This means my anxiety levels soar, my heart rate rises, I get pains in my chest and am on the verge of tears and the only way I know how to deal with it to stop me having a complete emotional breakdown, is to run away from whatever situation I am in. As a result, I have walked out of the office today as I couldn't cope with it.
I've reached that point in my life where I am tired of constantly having to go round and round in this pattern. I am good at my job, but me reacting in this way and making myself ill has cost me one career and I am starting to think I am hanging on to my current one by a thread. Maybe I am not in-tune with what my body and mind is doing, but I always seem to lose when it comes to preventing hitting this stage. When I get this bad, I become very emotional over everything, my anxiety levels go crazy and I become depressed. I have been told countless times that life is tough, but you just have to get on with it, but when you are fighting against something that leaves you broken, how damaged do you have to become before you can fight no more?
The situation I now find myself in is feeling hopeless and vulnerable and I hate not having the answer that will solve it.
Have you had to have similar fights and what do you do to help you put the boxing gloves back on and go back into the ring?
Thank you all for your kind comments. I needed a bit of space yesterday just to get my head around things. Last night I convinced myself I would see my GP today, but now I am in two minds about it. It's like you said QuirkyFriend, it is very hard to ask for help (this is an ongoing problem for me) and when you do ask for help, you don't really know what help you need. I hate getting that dreaded question from a health professional - "So what do you want me to do for you then?" Surely if I knew the magic answer to prevent getting in this situation, I would have tackled that myself?
My biggest problem is I struggle to communicate things verbally, in that I can't talk about my emotions, thoughts etc as I just go mute. There has only been one time I have managed to open up a bit and that was with a psychotherapist I built trust with over a prolonged period. When I have multiple episodes, then my speech can disappear completely for a few days or weeks, although I haven't been that bad for a long time now. I guess I will have to portray what is going on in writing as it's my best way of communicating, but there is the fear of being judged or not believed. Hopefully, now I have a diagnosis, it will help to alleviate this problem.
Thank you for suggesting the Maslow's Hierachy as well. I am building a planner (new special interest) that focuses on self-care as I am not very good at it generally. I am going to include this as part of my planner as a reference. I have also been advised to make an emergency box. Has anyone else created one of these? It's a box to put soothing relaxing items in that are personal to you, where you refer to it in a crisis.
Thank you for finding the information that will be useful for HR as well. I can suggest it to see what they say, but I think they are waiting to see how the next 4 weeks play out for me. The biggest problem is I am good at masking and pretending I am ok, unless I hit the point I did yesterday or the fatigue creeps up on me, which it has been doing. I haven't tried the NAS helpline, but may consider it in future. I have to use helplines or call someone before I get to severe as the muted speech issue becomes too much to overcome.
My partner is helpful in as much as he can be. He does help with chores and food prep, but he also feels helpless in some ways and I don't help by not being able to communicate how I feel or what is really going on. I just brush over things or appear to be sulking.
Starbuck, with your GP, would they be amenable to you giving them something written?
The reason I'm asking is we are dealing with SD16 unmedicated for significant anxiety alongside her ASD (long story about why, not relevant to this). Anyhow, we've moved a significant amount of the conversation to Skype Messenger because it gives her processing time and helps her articulate the issues. Might even help you communicate with your partner too.
In practical terms, the most important thing my doctor ever gives me is enforced sick leave. In 2013 I also had a bad bout and my GP signed me off two weeks. Then I had to see him again and I said I could go back, so he signed me off a further two weeks. When I objected he told me that I was only going back out of guilt so it was too early.
All ND people have to make a judgement call on medication. We are not like NT folk, we can get odd reactions. It took 7 different meds before we worked out my "least bad" option. That kind of GP care is rare to find.
If you do decide to go the meds route its worth starting on half the usual starting dose. My SIL is ND and a doctor and often treats ND kids. She's found through practice ND people are sensitive to meds and get benefits if there are any on low doses.
I like Maslow's Hierarchy too. My current mind workout is trying to get SD16 doing basic self care. I think I might also use Maslow's Hierarchy as a starting point.