The past year or so, I've been having a really weird relationship with food. I've gone several months where I refuse to eat willingly, and would only eat the bare minimum, in order to function. Now, for the past 12 weeks, I've started being much worse.
When I eat anything remotely fattening, I feel so disgusted with myself. I've always struggled with my weight, never to obesity levels, but nearly aways been overweight. I've apparently lost a lot of weight in the past few months. I know that I've lost some. But all I see is flabby arms, rolls of belly fat and jiggly thighs. A fleshy face. Objectively, I know that I'm not that big, because I've never been what is considered plus size. Always kept my weight down below a certain point.
I know I'm concerning my mother, who has been watching my eating (or lack of at times) habits very closely lately.
I only eat to appease her, and then inside I'm plotting on how to avoid food or meals for the next few days. So, yes, I am eating and I've not been purging. But I'm worried that I'm just exchanging my depression with something different. I've not been able to avoid eating proper meals this week and I ended up buying laxatives. And that shocked me because I know better - intellectually I know that is bad.
I'm on 40mg of Fluoexetine and I don't think I'm particularly depressed anymore. But I'm unsuccessfully job hunting, my savings are running out. And intellectually (from the university intro - PSych) I did, I know that this may be me trying to assert control. Probably.
I know this isn't rational, and I know I'm doing harm to myself. I feel really ashamed but at the same time I like that my smaller size jeans are getting looser. I do know I should broach this before I let it get too far and out of hand. But I've tried to confess to my mother, and I just can't find the words. One part of me is egging me on, the other is telling me that I need to stop this and deal with it in a healthy way.
But my parents have been so relieved lately, seeing me come back from the shell I was. Escstatic that I'm on the list for an Adult Autism assessment. We've had years of misunderstandings and fights, but they've not once wavered in supporting and loving me, when I finally broke down.
How do I broach this? Has anybody had an experience like this? I know I can't let this spiral any further, but my past history suggests that if I don't take action... it will. I don't want to see my GP, I'm not due to see her until June again. I just don't know.
