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Multiple Problems

Jake Lawrence

I was only diagnosed in December 2016 with ASD, and have suffered from severe depression and severe anxiety for well over 2 years now. 

It could all be related to my younger sister passing away in October last year, but I've found in the past couple of months that I've started heading really downhill. Over the past couple of weeks, most days I will randomly burst into tears some point throughout the day for no apparent reason (this is proving difficult to hold in whilst at work!). I have lost motivation to do any thing. I have no interest in anyone, I have no sex drive nothing.

Only 2 weeks ago I moved into my own house with my partner and our little boy. And we are expecting our 2nd little boy April 21st this year. Everything is positive! There are so many good things going on around me, yet for some reason, I feel like the world is against me and that I should just be indoors out the way and pretending I don't exist.

Now this is where I'm getting confused. Last Wednesday I had a day booked off work to have some new gas and electric meters fitted at my house. Spent the day doing bits and pieces around the house, and I'd say it was your normal average boring day. That night, I didn't sleep well, had multiple nightmares and woke up on the Thursday feeling awful. I phoned in sick to work, refused to get out of bed and have breakfast (quite a strict morning routine I usually stick too) didn't want to shower and ended up spending the whole day in my pyjamas sat playing on the xbox disappearing into a virtual world. Also crying multiple times throughout the day. Exactly the same happened again on the Friday, almost mirrored the Thursday. Saturday, I managed to get showered in the morning, but still didn't feel right. My partner eventually convinced me to go out the house for a bit, just for a drive around to get me outside as I hadn't left the house in 3 days.
We ended up going and buying me a Lego set to try and cheer me up. I wasn't interested, it still didn't appeal too me (which is incredibly strange!) and then later that evening, out of no where, I had more energy than I have ever had. I was bouncing off the walls, running round the house, shouting laughing joking, it was like someone flicked a switch and all of a sudden I was this happy excited person!
Then Sunday morning, back to being depressed and sad, but come lunch time, I'd flipped the other way again.
And now today, I just want to cry, I just want to hide, pretend I don't exist. But I've forced myself into work through fear of losing my job and losing money (I don't get sick pay) and am sat at my desk, fighting to hold back tears, typing this.
I have no idea what's wrong with me and after taking note of how my moods change, which I've been doing for a few months now, and they are all similar to the example I have just given, I really think I may have BiPolar Disorder on top of my ASD. I have just been in touch with Talking Change my local counselling service through the NHS. They should get back to me within a week, I wasn't sure where to turn or who to turn too and they seemed the best option, then I remembered this site too.

I really hope that something clicks and I head back up again soon, I hate this feeling of having no self worth and no confidence and wanting to just hide. I'm better than that, I know I am, but it's difficult to fight :( 

  • Hi Jake,

    I would suggest the cause is related to grief over the loss of your younger sister.

    She is one of the closest genetical links you have in the world and someone you are therefore most closely linked to. The link is sub-conscious so not obvious.

    Grief has many stages and they all need to be gone through if you are to overcome it.

    First stage is denial, followed by anger at the loss, then depression which can last for a long time, eventually this will be followed by acceptance and a pathway to recovery to equilibrium.

    I wish you well in that journey.

    Take care , Laddie.

    PS I would add that giving in  to the tears will help.

  • I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes through this! It's so erratic! Riding round on a shopping trolley sounds exactly like it though! One extreme to the other! 

    I'm already on anti depressants unfortunately :( Desperate to come off them but I know it won't do me any good at first! I'm on 150mg Sertraline daily! Have been for about a year now.

    I will definitely get in touch with my GP about the vitamin levels though, not heard of that one before and is something to definitely ruke out! ! 

  • Hello Jake, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so low/high.  May I suggest you talk to your GP?  Ask for a blood test (all your vitamin B's and D levels)  I recognise your pattens as I too tend to do this and really struggle to function some days and then for no apparent reason find myself riding around on the shopping trolly in M&S with a stupid grin on my face as though I've just won the lottery jackpot!  I was seriously low on Vit D though and once I started high doses (I would only ever do this on prescription, never self mediated) I felt more balanced and able to focus.

    If your vitamin levels do come back OK, a multi vit wouldn't hurt, but you then know you are looking at a condition your GP will hopefully be able to guide you.

    (I wouldn't recommend antidepressants though, experience tells me they just exasperate the condition and leave you feeling flat and addicted.)   

    Good luck with everything.  There really is light at the end of the tunnel.  

    YM x