OK first thing
After procrastinating about this for a week, theh hours today of doing everything but write, the start writing it, in the middle of Stimming (get up/get down) and discomfort in having to stay around one place for a while, then a whole hour writing it, I managed to delete the entire post. This has left me feeling trapped, manic and almost depressed as I had opened up and been raged for a while.
In some ways this is actually proves some things I was trying to say anyway, as it's the way things are doing this kind of stuff. This post now might be disjointed as part of me will be thinking to what I wrote earlier, but doesn't come out the same. Will just write as it comes to me.
To give a backstory, was diagnosed with Aspergers/ADHD/HFA with comorbids of OCD/Anxiety and PTSD. This has only happened over the past two years, before then obviously there have been big struggles and issues but knew no different. Left a job environment also around a year and half ago and since then have been on JSA. As with school/college/job this has also caused big anxiety as although it only normally been every two weeks it's still not an environment that works for me regular on environments which you look at there are not either. The time and space away from that though have meant I have been able to learn and grow a lot more about how things are, and also realise how wrong a lot of the things I have been around (NT environments) are for me to be me. Eventually signed off sick from the JSA as after a while i was told about a work programme I would have to go to which would have been even more regular and again not a good environment. During this time have spoke with Drs etc who advised and had no issue signing fit notes to do this. Time away from that has allowed me to grow even further but only last so long and will have to convert from JSA to ESA. There are obviously issues day to day but having time and space to deal with them in my own way. There is a load I could add but that's just what got me to here.
Another thing I remember writing the first time (!!!!) was that away from all this when I am not in a medical environment or calls to advice lines/forums etc, it's not always the way I see things, a lot of it is labels. Although it is very real (and I think I take for granted how it is, the past hours frustration and episode shows that!) I am me, and it's finding and building things that work for me and knowing what is and isn't right. something iv read on here that was really well said though is the fact that when you are in a good environment for yourself (like now) it's hard to then portray how it is when the environment isn't that way, without time and space or an honest mindset for you.
Have looked and had advice on the ESA procedure and could be easy to fall into thinking of almost being too "honest" in the ways that Iv said above and not getting over the struggles, someone I called the other day said you could almost appear too positive. The support group is what I am looking to get, as the other work group option couldn't be more of what wouldn't be right in terms of environment and interaction etc, but it is getting that across well. An example of this is I can drive (took 10 times to pass/heavy test anxiety/couldn't eat etc) but it wouldn't make a driving job with targets or routine or any pressure suitable. I can use an iPad to write this, but am forever stimming (standing up/sitting down) and have heavy mental fatigue and burnout, as well as the uncomfortable feeling of being in one place. I can talk, but in environments that are uncomfortable it's shuts down or becomes a mixture of overtalking and over sharing which can make things strange, it's only since leaving the work environment I can say some things to my own mum and dad! Think sometimes the stereotype of this condition can be to be dumb or limited and that couldn't be more wrong, but it doesn't mean there aren't issues that rule out certain things. A lot of this comes to me from times when I knew no better as I didn't know any of this, and the trauma from that still affects me day to day.
I said all this a load better in the first draft I did, but have looked at the ESA setup and would be looking to the support group as the way to go, am now begining to feel burnout from all this writing and thinking what I wrote before, any thoughts would be appreciated, if only you'd seen the post I did before!
