Shy or autistic?

I'm reviving this thread because it came up in a web search. I've been thinking about the subject since being told I was autistic more than five years ago. Despite discussing it a few times, I don't necessarily have a firm answer.

Obviously not all autistic people are shy and not all shy people are autistic, and wanting to not interact is only a fraction of autistic experience.  But many of my behaviours have and could be described as shy.  Shyness isn't always linked to low self-esteem or to modesty, but a personality characteristic.  Articles attempting to distinguish between an autistic behaviour and shyness, and what might help reduce barriers in each case, seem contradictory.

After being diagnosed, I looked back at many of the things that I've done in my life and 'was that autism or shyness?' was one of the ways I tried to reevaluate the event and whether 'autism' was a useful concept there.  There would be a time when I'd be nervous or reluctant to address a roomful of people, whether strangers or classmates.  I can now do it, and tend to ignore any anxiety I am aware of.  You could call that overcoming shyness.  However, what you can steel yourself to do depends on context, comfort and familiarity with that context.  If I am having to make conversation to someone I barely know, I will likewise force myself, but may say very strange and idiosyncratic things.  I'm weird as well as shy, although am less odd than many of my earlier stranger behaviours, hiding away, going into lists or impulsively showing off, I am quite content to have suppressed.  I am conscious of the other person perceiving oddity when I force myself to make conversation.

In both shyness and autistic social behaviour, the social situation can be overwhelming, and the reaction of not being able to interact is similar.  I think depression or lack of confidence can contribute to the difficulty in saying things, but it's not an essential part of either difficulty.  Back in the 1970s Tina Weymouth of Talking Heads described David Byrne as 'organically shy'.  That's a potential distinction for old-fashioned psychiatry: there's functional shyness, which can be partially overcome by positive experience and encouragement, and then on the other hand there are 'organic' or neurological traits that contribute to the functional shyness.

A key example from my teenage years was when a very nice girl in class said, via her friend, that she loved me. My reaction which I could never completely explain, was kind of overwhelm, shutdown, extreme uncertainty, embarrassment, not knowing what to do, possibly unacknowledged anxiety or even panic, holding all kinds of implications and future and past thoughts at bay, and I could never speak to her again, which hurt both of us.  Was that shyness or an autism trait?  After some years, I think I get it. It was autistic overwhelm and kind of internal demand avoidance on my part; the fact the girl asked her friend to tell me was shyness.

There is a blurry line between, shyness, autism and social anxiety.  Personally, I don't like social interaction if I can help it BUT I can if I need to and if the people I am dealing with are familiar to me. A shy person would still act shy when interacting with someone but I am not (That's Social Masking for you) - but I find this a real effort and eventually run out of steam and go quiet :( Before I was diagnosed with Autism, I was convinced I had social anxiety and although my son was diagnosed with Autism, I was really surprised when I was diagnosed (twice in fact :) )

Thanks for mentioning social anxiety.  There's a kind of blurry line or I'd say overlap with that too.  I think familiarity can help for people who can be described in any of those three ways: it's just that shyness isn't a medicalised term, and in general if I can explain in plain language, I'd prefer to do that.

I do think shy people can also mask their shyness.  People could also do the opposite and act shy or bashful.  So not sure that's a distinction.  I force myself to do some things knowing I lack confidence, but then so can shy people trying to overcome their shyness.  Can autistic people have full confidence and yet still not be able to interact?

If you are really welcomed into a group, they accommodate you, accept any differences, and try to cater to them. That's what welcoming means to me, although sometimes it's imperfect because of preconceptions.  So I think anyone who is shy, autistic and/or has social anxiety would do better in a welcoming group. I think I can see reasons for embarrassment, guilt or shame in maintaining society or social status, but shyness is a bit of a mystery.

How did you get diagnosed twice, by the way?

Thanks for mentioning social anxiety.  There's a kind of blurry line or I'd say overlap with that too.  I think familiarity can help for people who can be described in any of those three ways: it's just that shyness isn't a medicalised term, and in general if I can explain in plain language, I'd prefer to do that.

I do think shy people can also mask their shyness.  People could also do the opposite and act shy or bashful.  So not sure that's a distinction.  I force myself to do some things knowing I lack confidence, but then so can shy people trying to overcome their shyness.  Can autistic people have full confidence and yet still not be able to interact?

If you are really welcomed into a group, they accommodate you, accept any differences, and try to cater to them. That's what welcoming means to me, although sometimes it's imperfect because of preconceptions.  So I think anyone who is shy, autistic and/or has social anxiety would do better in a welcoming group. I think I can see reasons for embarrassment, guilt or shame in maintaining society or social status, but shyness is a bit of a mystery.

How did you get diagnosed twice, by the way?