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Autism or just shy?

rebecca88

Hello all,

I'm new to this site, so hello everyone! I just wanted to post something about my youngest son, I'm pretty worried about his development.

He's 4 (will be 5 in October), and has always been a very quiet child. He didn't speak at all untill he was 2.5, and then when he turned three his speech at home suddenly took off and he was speaking in full sentences. He still mispronounces nearly all of his words however, but we have come to understand what he means. Grandparents and others outside the family do rarely understand him, which I think he finds frustrating.

At his two year check I did mention this delay, but was advised not to worry as he had no trouble following instructions like 'please get your coat' etc, so I've never persued it and just considered him a quiet, introverted child. And all children are different aren't they? I've always tried not to compare either of my children to eachother or others.

Aside from that, he has no awareness of danger, no matter how many times we explain to him or discipline him. He will run out of our front door, climb to the top of the garden fence, climb up onto the windowsil and try to open the window, run out into roads and run around corners so you can't see him. When telling him off, he will just laugh and not make eye contact.

He is a very fussy eater (doesn't like the smell of a lot of foods) and wakes 2-4 times a night. 

Those are my main concerns, but he is also extremely affectionate to those he loves. As a baby he wanted to be carried by me constantly, and he will still follow me around the house when we're alone, even into the bathroom. However, if he doesn't like someone or trust them, he will ignore them completely or hit randomly. He has also begun hitting himself for no apparent reason.

At nursey he will not interact with any of the other children, or speak at all to adults. He will play on his own, but quite often complains about the loud noises in the nursery. He's told me that he puts his hands over his ears a lot when there, but the ladies pull his hands away. This worries me too. His key worker has commented that she's been unable to assess his development because he will not interact with her, but she seems unwilling to label him, and just says that some children can be very shy. I've always told the nursery that he is very chatty at home, and it's only now that I've begun putting all these niggles together to see the bigger picture.

Sorry for the rant! Hope I didn't bore you with it :)

Becky x

  • Thanks for your kind remarks, you're most welcome.

    The apparent shifting in symptoms is often reported as autistic people mature.  However, I think that this can often be quite misleading.  Different environments and people can bring out different traits of conditions like autism, such that they can be invisible sometimes, but at other times very apparent.

    To take the sensitivity to noises as an example.  Exactly which noises an autistic person finds disturbing is an incredibly personal thing - and some don't have this problem at all, or even have the opposite problem of being too insensitive.  I find the sound of many voices all speaking at once frightening still even in my forties, and it is a really visceral reaction that gets my hackles up instantly, even when there is nothing threatening going on.  Yet, I can enjoy going to a gig and watching a punk band play with their guitars all "turned up to eleven".  To many people, this seems contradictory.  But it's not the loudness that is a problem for me, it's really the "kind" of sound that determines how I'll react.

    So, the changes that you are seeing may not really be a change in his natural traits, but because of the change of environment, and having different people around him.  It is quite possible that there's something your son is reacting to at nursery which he doesn't normally encounter at home.  Maybe like me, it's the sound of too many excited voices all at once?  When we do encounter something which triggers us like that, it can make us very difficult to communcate with, as it stops our thoughts from forming properly until we can get away from it.

    This can then have an effect on our behaviour when we get back to our "sanctuary" at home, too.  Once we feel safe again, we often begin a process of winding down from it all - often noticed as an increase in stimming, tiredness, or changes in how we communicate.  It can also make us seems less tolerant of other things around us, because we've already "had our fill" of sensations for the day.

    A good way to think of it is that autistic people sometimes have to work a bit harder to understand the world around us than other people of the same age - so naturally, we need a little more time at the end of the day to re-charge our batteries.  Stimming or immersing ourselves in a special interest are great ways for us to relieve the pressure and get back to our usual selves - just so long as those activities aren't harmful, or getting in the way of more important things, of course!

  • Hi,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I really appreciate it. This is all so new to me, I don't really know what to think. 

    I'll definitely take your advice and speak to his keyworker at nursery. She's also the head of inclusion in the Early Years setting at the school (he was moved into her group because of his shyness), so she's generally very understanding about everything. I agree that they shouldn't be stopping him from covering his ears, it upsets me that they do. 

    Is it a sign that the symptoms I mentioned are getting worse as he gets older? For instance, while until he was around 3 he was pretty much silent, and refused to play or interact, he's now (in the last year) begun covering his ears, being sensitive to smells and hitting himself? 

    You've explained a lot of the behaviour to me, thank you. I definitely feel in a better position to help him now, and to ask others for help too.

    Becky

  • Hi Becky, welcome to the forum.

    I think you're right to be concerned.  The traits you describe, such as his intolerance for the other children's noise and certain smells, not comprehending danger, and hitting himself, go beyond shyness or introversion and are suggestive of some common autistic traits.  The notable difference in his behaviour between home and nursery is quite common too for autistic people - anywhere other than home can feel very "unsafe" because it's a whole new set of social rules to try and understand.  Autistic people do also tend to be very "black and white" in our opinions about people.

    While we're not qualified here on the forum to say one way or the other for sure, I think it would be wise to look into this more closely.

    I also don't think that the behaviour of the nursery staff is appropriate.  Forcing him to uncover his ears when the noise is too much isn't really acceptable, as your son's sensory sensitivity is not a matter of choice, and it could be extremely uncomfortable or even painful for him to be forced to listen.  He might find someone forcibly touching him like that very uncomfortable too - maybe even part of the reason that he doesn't trust the nursery staff, and by association, his key worker.

    I think you should emphasise to the key worker the things you've written about here that are definitely not just shyness.  In particular, the fact that he has started hitting himself should be looked into.  This can be a sign that dealing with the outside world has become so frustrating that it is overwhelming for him.  Although potentially harmful, the physical discomfort can be a very satisfying way to feel that we're back in a world that we understand and can control.

    Hitting himself could also be a form of what is called "stimming" - stimulating our own senses in a way that makes us feel at home in our own body and mind.  If this is the case, then there's a very good chance that a less harmful form of stimming could be found that would give your son the same satisfaction.  It varies a lot between different people, but sometimes it can be as simple as having a certain texture on our skin, listening to a particular kind of sound, or (one of my favourites!) stretching rubber bands.  Even if a little pain is a necessary part of stimming, as it is for some people, there are ways to get this sensation without the risk of harming ourselves.

    Does your son have any special interests that he is particularly keen on?  I ask, because if he does, you may be able to use it to help him overcome his mistrust of the keyworker.  The keyworker might appear to him to be yet another "confusing" adult who asks "silly" questions that he doesn't understand the relevance of.  So it might be really helpful if the keyworker can interact with him in a way where he gets to decide his own rules, and the worker joins in with activities that he really enjoys.

    Best wishes.