Hi i'm 23 and today after a 2 year wait I went in for a diagnosis of autism. My average score on aspergers related tests is around 38/50.
My mum is deceased and siblings were unavailable for the appointment so I just went with my boyfriend who has aspergers.
The questions I was asked were very vague and the format quite similiar to a consuelling session. This scenario is very bad for me because i can't speak out in that format. I never remember what to say and freeze up trying to think what to say.
With all the pressure on me and the vague questions I wasn't able to portray what I wanted to say at all and parts of what I did say were ignored. I was waiting on prompting questions I could say yes and no on and elaborate on but these never happened. There was allot I forgot to say due to the format of it. Infact the problems I faced are the problems associated with the condition. I couldn't explain what I wanted to say to them. They only asked questions about irrelevant information and also didn't bother to ask my boyfriend anything at all eg. How I act, traits I have, etc.
In the end they said I dont have aspergers. I have self esteem issues and a little anxiety. In no way did I see this linked to anything I put forward. Infact they put salt in the wound by saying my eye contact was fine and if I had aspergers it wouldn't be (nonsense because my boyfriend got diagnosed as a child and his is perfect. Even better than mine infact) and I didn't have sensory problems even though in the appointment I described sensory problems I had. To top it off when I was asking about their diagnosis they just replied with why did I want a diagnosis anyway?
To provide some context of my case:
- I have always been weird and considered different by others
- I never made friends in primary school and any friendships haven't maintained. I always have one very close friend if any and no others
- I had to be trained to do correct eye contact. I used to stare at the ceiling while talking to others or looking to the ground
- I went to speech thearpy for a few years
- I avoid conversation with people due to my difficulties understanding them and not knowing what to say/very shy
- I used to copy others behaviour and how they acted. I got comments that I was a different person depending who I was talking to
- I get obssessed easily with things and have done so my whole life. My current obssessions are owls, countries and video games. I get so obssessed I continuly research and collect things to do with the topics.
- I have trouble thinking of what to say to anyone I talk to. I feel I have to mask myself from them. I can't start conversations and I can't do small talk. I freeze up
- I avoid phonecalls because I tend to get the cues wrong and speak at the wrong times
- I have a problem with taking things literally even if in the back of my mind I can say to myself they might be joking
- I am extremly sensitive and easily upset by what people would consider silly things
- If I have a plan in my head and it doesn't happen exactly as I thought of it I get anxious and very upset
- I developed a coping mechinism very young or scrabbing my arms when my senses were overwhelmed as well as rocking back and forth
- I can't keep track of group conversations
- I have been considered naive and been taken advantage of many times in the past by people
- My A-Levels have included Physics, ICT and Maths all of which I excelled at. I'm top of my course in Software Engineering out of over 200 students. So academically bright
- I get sensitive to sounds even if they arent considered loud
- I am also quite sensitive to heat
- I have battled major anxiety and also depression
- I only recently got a boyfriend who was also my best friend for 4 years and also has aspergers. No sort of relationship at all before that
That is most things I can think of and I don't understand how they made the connection to low self esteem and a little anxiety. Please tell me i'm not going mad?
I can't accept this diagnosis at all. Is there anything I can do? Other places I can go to? Please help me. I've been on this journey for 3 years seeking answers and I can't accept the reason i'm so different, struggling every day trying to fit in and socialise is because I have low self esteem!
I don't want to return to the same doctors because I feel hurt and offended and also felt like they weren't listening to me at all. I've been struggling allot lately with myself and hearing something like that has made matters worse. I couldn't believe my ears.
