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Friendly advise needed

Helga101

Hi there

I suspect my nephew (by marriage) could be displaying autistic characteristics, however, I am unsure how to approach this with the in-laws or if it is my place at all to say anything. 

As a teacher I started to notice some characteristics in my nephew at 18 months old that I also recognised in some  of my teenage students that are ASD diagnosed. It was just small things to begin with like looks out of the corner of his eyes, walking on his tip toes (admittedly he doesn't do this as much anymore) and not answering to his name. 

He is 3 now, very intelligent, particularly with numbers, has a crazy good attention span and is obsessed with trains.

Most recently he has developed palilalia and will repeat the end sounds of words under his breath e.g. If he said 'train' he might then drift off repeating 'ain' 'ain' 'ain' 

I realise palilalia is an ASD sympton but can be triggered by other things too, it's worth saying he's just welcomed a baby brother that could have caused some emotional upheaval for him.

I could really do with some friendly advice - should I be sharing my concerns or will it do nothing other than possibly cause upset when this will be picked up later if it is the case.

thanks in advance  

  • Intelligence, obsession with numbers and trains, can be seen in typical toddlers and are not in themselves of huge significance. Intelligence does not mean anything. But if he is obsessed with trains to the detriment of everything else and is displaying poor social skills, then I think it would be wise for him to be assessed. The key issue is whether the traits are adversely affecting his life and/or that of his parents. Things should become clearer when he starts school and is forced to interact with others. Tip-toe walking and palilalia can be signs, but can be seen in typical children as well. 

    I would keep a watchful eye on him, and pay close attention to his social development. There is no harm in gently raising the issue with his parents. I think it is best to be honest, but then I am not NT 

  • I don't know any disadvantages to knowing who you are, so I'm a total supporter of diagnosis. I don't ever consider myself 'labeled' as such - everyone can have a label, and if people are prejudiced by labels, it's themselves who need a mirror.

    What I am certain about is that the earlier a person's difficulties are recognised, the better. Reading through many posts on this website could give you some idea of what has happened to people who've had 'late' diagnosis. I'm one of them, I'm far from alone, and it is wholly undesirable.

    Right now, I see some types of parent who are never going to 'get' it. They want to 'normalise' their children and have no understanding of what they're doing to their child as a result. I'd like to tell them, but there's none so blind as those who won't see...

    Naturaly, you have to be careful how you go about this. I can't judge from here, you know the players best. Are they open-minded people, or are they likely to be offended? Indeed, knowing that you 'know' some AS people, are they likely to listen to what you say, or be angered that you're drawing parallels? Indeed, how much do you trust your own judgement on this? I ask because it is very easy to see AS traits in people (some of us share an opinion that everyone has one or more) but they don't add up to the 'difference'.

    I offer you this, though. I know a three year old who's just been presented with a new baby in the family. The parents are particularly poor at parenting, and I see them instilling some desperately sad behaviours in their child. Pardon me for saying this, but they are similar to those that you are observing, but I have no indication that the child is AS. Far from it, and I do trust my own judgement on this.

    R'socks says watch and wait, and I would agree. If you can raise the issue as 'mild interest', and avoid their taking it as some kind of 'disaster (a common and unecessary reaction) that's OK, but in your shoes I might just generaly make some comments in the parents' earshot about AS people and see if it prompts them at all.

    I will always say this: No-one knows a child like a mother does. It's very easy to make judgements about other people's kids, but I'd always defer to Mum's judgement. I can only say that, in my opinion, it's worth it, but I am not in your shoes and seeing what you see.

    It's a sensitive issue at best, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I'm glad, though, that you've come here to discuss it. Whatever you decide, good luck and please do come back if you have any other questions, no need to tussle with this on your own.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    If this child does not have problems then there may be no need to raise the question. There are advantages to not having a diagnosis and a label. There are advantages to diagnosis and labelling if he needs extra help but it brings its own issues. Some parents and schools will handle some autistic children naturally - for example, there are a number of us on the forum that didn't need diagnosis until later life. It may be best for you to watch over his progress and help with guidance and suggestions in the light of your suspicions.